fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6711 ]

[ SECRET POST #6711 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6711 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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(xxxHolic)

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Would you recognize yourself from 15-20 years ago? How much do you think you've changed and how?

Nope. 20 years ago I was barely functioning, with massively untreated depression and anxiety. Even 15 years ago, I had untreated medical issues that were making life difficult.

Yeah, I've been kind of boring my whole life. Lol, only difference is now I can drive.

A few years ago I dug up my old LJ password because I wanted to save all my journal entries in case the site suddenly disappeared or I lost the ability to log in. Aside from fanfic, most of my entries were personal journals that were locked private to me only. I was shocked to read how bitter, insecure and unhappy the person who wrote those seemed. Was I really so miserable? Then again, I've always used journaling to vent negative emotions, especially petty shit. I think the problem was at that time, I had moved to a new city & state and had no community or pastime apart from lurking around online communities. Now I have real friends and "touch grass" regularly.

Like the Secret OP, I was happy to see that my old fics were better than I remembered. Fluffy as all hell, which is the part that makes me cringe now, but otherwise nothing to be ashamed of!

I am worn down and depressed and a shell of a person. I think me of 20 years ago was a lot more mentally unstable (depression, anxiety, ADHD mix that I hadn't found coping strategies for yet) but I was oddly a lot happier. Oddly because I was pretty suicidal back then.

On the plus, I am way more confident and comfortable with myself these days. I've done some things that would shock younger me (a good imoressed kind of shocked).

Recognize yes, but certainly am not the same exact person. I was a dumb teenager like everyone else was a dumb teenager doing dumb teenager things that I no longer do as an adult.

Like OP, I had a much better sense of humor 20 years ago. I read old saved chat logs and can't believe some of the things I just said out of nowhere. I'd never be able to come up with anything like them now.

But 20 years ago I was a lot MORE stressed out about my life than I am now. I was in college and the worst procrastinator. I made myself sick, like literally physically got fevers, from the stress. So I guess I'll take my job that I like well enough now I'm exchange for my sense of humor.

The rest of how I'm different I'd probably get told to take to the politics section. But let's just say my 20-year-old self was terrified of things that seem pretty okay now. Things I still don't think are good, but if I'd known what was coming, I would have ceased the ability to function. Now I'm too tired to stress about things I can't help.

I would recognize myself, yeah. I think we can almost always change a through line between our younger selves and our current selves. Younger me was a lot cockier and now I'm wiser but my core beliefs haven't changed much.

I think I would, but younger me was very anxious and insecure, especially in regards to hobbies. Older me has zero fucks to give.

It's funny, I would now but a year or two ago I wouldn't. I have been focusing a lot on my mental health and on trying to move on from some bad things in my past and have been getting back in touch with good aspects of myself that got buried under the stress. I thought that I was a whole different person and the me from a long time ago was lost but that person is still inside me, it was just hidden away for awhile. Makes me happy to recognize it.

I don't know if I'd recognize myself, but I am definitely in a different place.
15-20 years ago, I was lost, scared and I felt so incredibly lonely. Terrified to grow up and not even knowing how to do that.

Today, I do feel scared of the world but I understand now that feeling left behind and confused has always been with me. I'd projected it onto my friends when it was more closely associated with my family.

I'd been in pause mode for so long, waiting for something to happen.
Now, I understand that I'm the one in charge of when I get to hit pause and when I can hit play.

I'm sure I'd recognize myself. I was at the start of... being less of an ignorant dumbass? Not a great description, I know.

But you know how you're a lot more resilient when you're younger? Your parts haven't taken a beating for as long (take that however you will) and you're still bouncing back despite some awful shit. I'm a lot more worn down these days, and have to work harder to get to state of neutral. Yes, it's called getting old. But optimistic me thought we'd all be in a better place at this point. Too much stress on top of what's already an aging body and aging mind. I think I'm more "woke" compared to 20 years ago and as much as I wish a better life for all, it's getting harder to relate to humans or even trust them.

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[ SECRET POST #6711 ]

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