I sometimes worry that I'm not justified in feeling that I've been through a lot, like on some objective level that I'm just over thinking. I wish I could reach out, and I wish people would want to hear about it.
But it's hard for me to share the kinds of stuff I've done and seen, because I'm afraid what people will think of me when I tell them, and because I don't want to hurt people by telling them what I've been through.
I've spent so long living in shitty conditions that it's what I've come to expect, and I've toughened to survive them. But because I've acclimated to it, and I don't talk to other people about it, I have few ways of comparing about what I've been through, and how I'm reacting to it. I feel like what I've done and seen has hardened me.
I feel ridiculous in the fluttering sense of recognition when I see or hear a fictional character mimic what I feel or do. I don't feel like it's a normal way to absorb what I've done and seen-- it's treated as extraordinary in fictional media, but does that mean it's extraordinary in real life? Does that mean most other people find that kind of experience strange, or dangerous, or whatever?
I think that I'm coping with the shit that I've been through by writing fic through the perspective of characters I identify with. I say I think, because I didn't set out to do it, and most days I don't even acknowledge what I've been through, let alone how to deal with it.
I wish I could reach out and talk to someone, and tell some of my story, and get their perspective. I've spent so long being quiet about it, and living inside of it, that it's hard to know what to think about it, or how I feel about it.
Trauma (?) and perspective
But it's hard for me to share the kinds of stuff I've done and seen, because I'm afraid what people will think of me when I tell them, and because I don't want to hurt people by telling them what I've been through.
I've spent so long living in shitty conditions that it's what I've come to expect, and I've toughened to survive them. But because I've acclimated to it, and I don't talk to other people about it, I have few ways of comparing about what I've been through, and how I'm reacting to it. I feel like what I've done and seen has hardened me.
I feel ridiculous in the fluttering sense of recognition when I see or hear a fictional character mimic what I feel or do. I don't feel like it's a normal way to absorb what I've done and seen-- it's treated as extraordinary in fictional media, but does that mean it's extraordinary in real life? Does that mean most other people find that kind of experience strange, or dangerous, or whatever?
I think that I'm coping with the shit that I've been through by writing fic through the perspective of characters I identify with. I say I think, because I didn't set out to do it, and most days I don't even acknowledge what I've been through, let alone how to deal with it.
I wish I could reach out and talk to someone, and tell some of my story, and get their perspective. I've spent so long being quiet about it, and living inside of it, that it's hard to know what to think about it, or how I feel about it.