fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2806 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2806 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Five Nights at Freddy's]

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[Star Trek, MCU, Batman Begins]

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[Twilight Saga]

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[Xenosaga]

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[Doctor Who]

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[Great British Bake Off]

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[Law & Order: Criminal Intent]

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[Minecraft]

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[Macklemore]

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

One of my closest friends has fallen into a slump this year and has confided in me that they're pretty depressed. They dislike talking about their emotions and they let it slip during an argument. We were arguing over the fact that they don't spend time with me anymore, and for a long time, they made up excuses and were really dodgy about it.

I feel awful. I noticed a change and I asked them, like, hey are you okay? Personally? And they insisted they were, and they're always on about how I don't believe them about that stuff, so I dropped it. And maybe that was the right decision anyway, because I know having your depression thrown in your face isn't a good way to cope with it. I know firsthand what that can feel like.

But still, I do feel bad, because I've been so upset the past couple of months at my friend. I thought they liked me less, or found me annoying or whatever. And it was like, just drop me already if that's how it's gonna be. I tried to believe them when they said they were fine, so naturally I assumed the problem was me.

My own depression is very specific and not something others can easily help me with, so I can't offer anything from my experience. But I want to try and be there for my friend in a way that they can inherently understand I'm with them through thick and thin. Are there good generic resources I can take a peek at regarding this? Like how to help? I don't know if I can, but at the very least I can show I love them and am there for anything they need me for. I imagine there aren't any magic words for this kind of thing, but any pointers would be good. I feel like I've done a piss poor job at that lately, I mean I know my friend knows I love them, and I definitely understand that my love can't and won't be enough to make everything better. But I want to find ways that might help ease their burden. I'm doing my best, but maybe you guys can offer me advice that I haven't heard of yet.

I hope they already know, no matter how alone they feel, that they really aren't. But I'm doing such a bad job at conveying that. I feel like my presence makes things worse sometimes. Like sometimes I'll slip up and get visibly upset around them when certain things happen (in this case they're going to watch a movie with some friends even though I've been asking for months). So I still feel like their emotions aren't the only factor. I think it's still sort of me, in that regard. So if that's true then I'm doing something that... I could be doing better, I guess. I'm struggling with my own feelings but I refuse to burden my friend. I just want to help them somehow.

There isn't actually anything you can personally do to "help". Period. You can suggest counselling services or psychiatric help, but you as a layperson are not in a position to provide therapy, even if you do want to. Sometimes hearing from an unexpected person that depression is a real medical problem that it is okay to seek professional help for can really be the best thing for a depressed person to hear. Just accepting that a person feels bad without judging or insinuating that it's their fault is often more than most people will do.

What you can do to be a better friend is listen to your friend if they're having trouble. You can occasionally (no, not every time you talk to them) ask how they're feeling and be accepting of their response. You can attempt to not do the wrong thing by suggesting they get over it or suggesting that they are in control of their own feelings.

For depression resources... just google depression. Read the American Psychiatric Association's website. Don't read anything else that suggests it can be cured through diet, crystals, religion, or donations.

I was worried about suggesting medical help because I didn't want them to feel messed up, and medical help was less than helpful for me. I'm worried the same will happen to my friend, and it will set them back. But I'll bring it up with them and see how they feel about it.

I don't mean to sound too harsh, but your sentiments are concerning to me. there are a few things that need to be made extremely clear here:

First and most importantly, your depression is not her depression. What did or didn't work for you has no bearing on what treatment might be helpful or required for her. Please understand this.

Second, and still important, if you try to advise her based on your personal experience you run the risk of exacerbating her problems as well as your own.

I absolutely, positively understand that, far more than anybody else. And knowing my friend, the idea that they will take such a suggestion the wrong way or will not get anything good out of it is very likely, which is why I've been hesitant to suggest it.

I am absolutely not gauging their needs and situation based on mine. I know it sounds like I am based on my wording but there's a specific reason I'm worried that my friend's experience may mimic mine, and it's nothing to do with any assumption that my experience = everyone's. Depression is a different experience for everybody.

I don't know what's going through their head half the time; I can't say I understand their own experience. I don't. Nobody does except them. I'm going to suggest therapy/professional help to them, but I'm aware that the chances of them listening are slim to none.

I'm not sure if you can help with the actual depression, as that's not easy even for professionals.

There's some things you can do, though

-Let your friend know, repeatedly, that you are there for them.
- Let them know you are a safe person to talk to, and let them vent if need be, without being judgmental or passing such personal stuff on to others.
- Encourage them to get help/a support network that is not just you.

Also: please protect yourself. If you are susceptible to depression this might have a toll on you too.

That last bullet is especially helpful. They often tell me I'm really the only person that seems to care about them a lot (which isn't true, but if they feel that way, then of course that can make it worse).

As for the last sentence - it is having a toll on me. But I love them far more than I love myself. I just want them to be okay, and if there's any way I can help ease that along, I'll try my best.

I don't have anything helpful to add (sorry, OP), but this is good advice. I'm not sure there's much else you can do... If your friend has depression, well, depression is tough and as you know, not easily overcome. Suggesting that they get professional help might not work, but in most cases is probably the best course of action. Not much else you can do, I think, other than be there for them when they need you. (Just don't forget to take care of yourself too, because you aren't going to help anyone if you neglect your own health in the meantime.)

To clarify, I know depression is a mental affliction that can't generally be helped by outside parties, no less someone like me without any licensing or training or whatever. I'm not sure if my friend is depressed by the definition of the word, or if they're just very lonely. It's a long story, but I know they ARE lonely sometimes, and they've told me it happens at random and outside of their control, and that thoughts of me can bring them back to complacency. But I don't want to take any risks and assume it's not depression. Idk. I don't really have a full grasp on the situation since my friend keeps these things internal. I just want my presence to be positive for them no matter what.

[ SECRET POST #2806 ]

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