fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2811 ]

[ SECRET POST #2811 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2811 ⌋

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So when I was a kid, I wanted a dog really badly. We got one, but we ended up doing a few things that I'm sure qualified as animal abuse or neglect. One of the things that sticks out in my mind is the first night when the puppy defecated all over my room. After I cleaned it up, my mom went into some hour-long lecture and rant about how I didn't have what it took to take care of a dog, and how it was "worse than a baby" and I knew nothing. Meanwhile, the next day, still mad about the poop, she kicked an empty bag at its face, scaring it. When I called her on it, she was dismissive and acted like it was okay because "it's not hurting the dog." When we took it to training, the puppy cowered before the trainer (dogs cower when hit or frequently frightened). The puppy cried at night in the crate, and sometimes my mom would chain it outside, where it would bark like crazy. Finally, it died at 11 months old when my mom decided to be one of those owners that let their dogs loose in the city, and it got hit by a car.

This has haunted me for over twenty years. I'm sure there were some good moments in there, but I can barely remember any of them. When I was lectured that first night, I felt like such a piece of shit for ever daring to want a dog, that I transferred my resentment to the dog, as though it were responsible for ruining my life. Later on, I realized it wasn't. Instead of resenting that dog, I should have been doing more to protect it, or at least looking for another home where it would have received the love it deserved. Instead, I let it die.

I'm pretty sure the trainer and some of the neighbors caught on to the fact that something wasn't right, but I don't know how bad they knew it was.

This has affected me so much through my teenage years into my adult life. It may be why I'm scared as shit to ever take command of anything. I'm too stupid and incompetent to take care of a helpless animal, and I lack the judgment or resolve to do my part in preventing or stopping abusive behavior. I'm so unsure about everything in the world, and a lot of ambitions have been left alone. It may be a reason (not the only, obviously) I don't really have any friends. It sounds stupid, but I never know who or what I'm going to hurt just by being myself, that I'm just too oblivious to others that I'll never come across as anything but a complete jerk to them.

I'm writing this now because for the first time in a long while, I'm getting doggy fever again. Obviously, I'm not going to jump into any decisions even if I wasn't conflicted. There are a lot of things I need to do to prepare, and I've been doing some little by little. Fortunately, I live by myself now, so there's no chance of some asshole screaming I have no ability to care for an animal, and no chance of someone else abusing the animal on my watch. But this incident is always there in the back of my mind... no amount of dog education books and videos on breed behaviors, health, training and compatibility will erase the fact that some little dog that was supposed to be in my care ended up dying. Even when I finally have everything together, and feel as prepared as I can ever be, I don't know if I'm going to do something stupid that I shouldn't, and should've known about, or worse, flip my shit over something so incredibly trivial and be no better than my mother. I know pets are a lot of responsibility. I know that. A lot of days, I think I should just give up this "dream" of having a couple of dogs, and just watch Youtube videos and enjoy other people's animals. At times, I think about volunteering at the shelter, but then I worry I'm too incompetent to do that. And at this point, I can't be sure if I'm interested in getting a dog for the right reasons, or just trying to do so to "prove" I can handle one.

I'm not asking anyone's forgiveness. I just want someone to listen.

Honestly anon…

This sounds like child abuse as much as animal abuse on your parent's part.

I don't disagree with that. But I still feel responsible for my part in it, and my inaction.

You were a kid, anon. That alone reduces your responsibility. And when you have a parent that's giving you only toxic behavior to learn from, you're not responsible for not understanding the full scale of your actions at the time.

You've clearly learned from it.

I would say that the fact that you feel guilt -- even for something that's demonstrably not your fault -- shows how deeply you empathized and loved that dog. And that's why you'd would create a great home for a new, furry member of your family.

My advice: seek out information. Educate yourself on dog behavior and seek out as much professional advice as you feasibly can. I think it will help you feel more secure.

You aren't a bad person, anon. You internalized a lot of negativity from your parents, I would imagine, because it seems like your mom treated you the same way she treated your puppy

Note how quick she was to blame both you and your pup for things you couldn't help -- that were the result of youth and inexperience. Your dog was young and had an accident. You were young and might not have understood exactly what having a dog would mean (completely understandable). And yet your mom blamed both of you for making normal mistakes instead of being patient and trying to help.

You seem like you'd be patient with a dog and do what's best for them. Don't let other people's faults keep you from being happy, okay?

Thank you.

I have been doing research on dog behavior, to be honest. Not all of it has stuck (so far), but at least I can see things like socialization and lifestyle compatibility are just as important as training and caring for Fido.

(reply from suspended user)

I definitely did transfer some resentment, though. I went from "yay! Having a dog is AWESOME!" to "fuck this, I don't want this fucking dog anymore, it's ruined my life and I can't do anything fun anymore."

But thank you.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. *HUGS*

One thing I noticed you were saying...you kept saying "WE" but the one who was mistreating the dog was your mother. Not you. Don't take on the responsibility for HER actions. You didn't do anything wrong. All you wanted was an animal to love - she was the one who mistreated it.

NOT. YOU.

And you were a child - you could not have saved the dog, you could not have protected it. Not without risking what looks like having that ill treatment that your mother was aiming at the dog to be taken out on YOU.

Not your fault. Never was. Isn't now.

My parents would occasionally mistreat the animals I grew up with. And today? It's made me a ferociously protective, loving, and caring pet owner. Don't be afraid. It sounds like you've got so much love in you - don't be afraid of blessing some animal who needs it with that love.

Thank you.

I know I can't control my mother's actions. It took me a long time to realize this.

But when I say "we" mistreated the dog, I'm referring to some of the things we were supposed to practice in training... things that involved choke collars. It went fine during training, but I could never quite get it right at home. After a couple of times trying to train the dog with a choke collar at home, I just gave up. The poor little thing kept shrieking every time I used it and I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't intentional, but I still had a hand in the mistreatment. I know I can't change the past, though.

Choke collars can actually be a good training tool, especially if you are dealing with an excitable or aggressive animal that would wind up injuring itself or others. In general, the idea is to train the animal just long enough to not need the choke collar anymore. So attempting to use that collar doesn't make you a bad person.

And even in this case, I'd still put the blame on your mother, who obviously had little to no interest in helping you care for this animal. This is why good parents understand that when they get a pet for their child, THEY are also getting a pet. Children aren't generally able to train and care for a dog all by themselves.

This really, really wasn't your fault.

*hugs* I agree with everyone else that it was your mother who was the toxic one in this situation, and you shouldn't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault.

Also, volunteering at a shelter might not be a bad idea. Reading books and articles on dog care and training is definitely a good thing, but the addition of first-hand experience can significantly boost the learning process.

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[ SECRET POST #2811 ]

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