fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2906 ]

[ SECRET POST #2906 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2906 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

But that has happened to me. I told an anon above, I was cheated on by a long-term boyfriend, and "hurt" didn't really come up. I mean, I was a little sad because obviously we weren't working anymore, but I wasn't even close to devastated. I was just sort of annoyed that he didn't say anything.

you sound emotionally stunted ngl

You're not the first person to think so, haha. But I fall in love and form romantic relationships with no issues. I have close friends that I love a lot. My relationships with my family members are all great. I just...care a lot about myself too, I suppose? There's no way to say that where it doesn't sound selfish, but I've always thought it was really important to be your own person first and foremost, so romance is just kind of an extra bonus.

I have to agree. I have never been a person who is 'joined at the hip' and lives and dies on my SO's words/emotions/whatever. I don't *neeeeeed* that person to make me happy, fulfilled, whatever - they're an amazing bonus, but they're not what defines me or anything. People who fall apart when their SO goes away for a long weekend or something make we wonder wtf is up with them because - really? You can't do three days on your own?

So, yeah, i get where you're coming from. And i don't think 'emotionally stunted' is a good description at all.

That's... really not why most people get upset over cheating, though. I mean, it's natural to be hurt if someone you love hurts you, but for most people I think it's the betrayal aspect that upsets them the most. You trusted this person and they turned around and purposely did something to break that trust and hurt you.

I guess if you really think that people are naturally and permanently monogamous, but i don't actually think you can get *everything* you need from *one person*. Otherwise, why would any one have friends? You need other people in your life to fulfill different needs - my SO doesn't care about fandom or writing or the books/genres/authors i'm into, so i don't bother him with that stuff.

I guess if sex = passionate, soul-binding emotional whatever to you, then it's a bigger deal, but to me, sex is...sex. Physically satisfying, but not something i'd live or die over. If the sex isn't satisfying/we don't share the same kinks/needs, then - why not get some somewhere else? It makes sense to me.
*shrug*

ok, so

the thing is that some people ARE naturally and permanently monogamous

also some people who aren't permanently monogamous prefer to be monogamous when they are in relationships, even if they're not looking for a long-term or permanent partner

and usually this is discussed

again, as I said to someone else - if you have an understanding that your relationship isn't closed, it's not cheating. if you have an understanding that your relationship isn't monogamous, it's not cheating for your partner to see someone else at the same time (there may or may not be a clause about whether this has to be discussed first - people do it differently)

there are people who want multiple partners to be satisfied. there are also people who don't. and that's okay. if you aren't going to be satisfied with just one person, it's really unfair to not say anything about it when you get into a relationship and then cheat with the idea that "oh I'm just getting my other needs met" (general you, I'm not assuming you have ever done this). People need to TALK about shit. because just because cheating may seem like NBD to some people, it can be totally devastating to others, and this doesn't necessarily make them bad people, or "too emotional" or "too attached" or whatever.

Edited 2014-12-18 05:02 (UTC)

I never said it did. I just don't get people who *are*, much like OP, because it seems to me that expecting one person to meet your every physical, spiritual and emotional need forever and ever amen is weird.

Not saying they are bad, or stupid, or fucked up, i just find that mind-set weird.

You need other people in your life to fulfill different needs

It definitely sounded like you were applying that generally to people.

But if what you mean is that's what works for you, then yeah, I get that. We all have different experiences, and so forth.

You're completely missing the point. It's not about sex or being monogamous, it's about the breach of trust involved and the fact that your partner made a deliberate choice to act as if your feelings are worthless. If you make a decision to be in a monogamous relationship and then turn around and cheat, you're being a shitty person because your partner expects and believes that you are going to be faithful to them.

Being in an open relationship is just fine as long as both people agree to it. Cheating is not fine because it is done behind the back of one of the people involved.

there is an emotional middle ground between being only mildly irritated at cheating, and falling apart because your SO took a vacation without you

a really, really big middle ground

Uh...i didn't say there wasn't?

No, you didn't say it explicitly, but it was rather implied.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

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