fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2946 ]

[ SECRET POST #2946 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2946 ⌋

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I hate to perpetuate stereotypes, but I must admit that I am confused about being bisexual. Like sometimes I think "maybe you're not actually attracted to girls; maybe it's just admiration; maybe you don't want to do them but want to be them."

Are you aroused at the idea of girls touching you or touching other girls?

If you are, then you're bisexual.

I can look at a girl and think "Wow, she's gorgeous." I can look at a lesbian couple and think "They're so sweet together."

But as soon as the thought of touching another girl sexually or having a girl touch me in a sexual way enters my mind, I'm completely and utterly turned off. Like, I almost physically recoil.

That's my advice to you as someone who is, sadly, very very straight.

AYRT

I don't know. I like watching lesbian porn and reading femslash and I fantasize about other women touching me sexually. (Just last night I had a sex dream about a female friend which was very confusing because she's a friend, a gorgeous, amazing woman, but just a friend.) But the thought of touching another woman sexually scares me a bit. It's not exactly repulsive but more "what the hell am I supposed to do?"

But I can't remember if I was feeling the same way about men before I first had sex with one. I identify as bisexual, but I feel like I need to have experience with women first to really count.

DA:

You don't have to have experience for it to count, but it sounds like it might help you with your confusion, since it seems to come from a "what am I supposed to do" worry.

And don't worry about stereotypes - people from all orientations have experienced uncertainty. I waffled about my bisexuality for some years until I was sure of it.

I identify as bisexual, but I feel like I need to have experience with women first to really count.

What did you think you counted as before you had sex with a man, then?

AYRT

Please note that I'm not saying (general) you need to have had experience to define your sexual orientation, I'm only talking about my personal irrational feeling.

But to answer your question I honestly don't remember. I think I accepted heterosexuality as default for myself simply because that's what you're supposed to be, but as I said I have no idea if I used to have the same self-doubt about being attracted to men and acting on that attraction.

If you feel you're bisexual, then you're bisexual. I'd say "real" but so many people think we aren't...we're almost like unicorns. :)

We don't really put that restriction on heterosexuals who are virgins/lack experience, do we? "Oh, you can't really be het cus you haven't had any experience with a person of the opposite gender yet." They still know they're het. (I realise that you're talking about internal, not external pressure, but this is just another way to look at it, not sure if it'll help or not.)

Me too. And sometimes I think maybe I don't really want to do them, I've just internalized media messages about women as things to be fucked.

ARYT

Yes, this. Maybe I'm just checking out this women's breast because she's posed so that her breast are the most noticeable feature in the picture.

I used to think that too but I will never find anything I am better at than I was at denying my orientation. But anyway, I've talked to enough bisexual women to know that this is a pretty common problem.

That's honestly something you can only work out for yourself there, anon. It's what experimentation is good for. Sometimes if you don't really have strong preferences one way or another and you're not the most sexual being on the planet, ideas about how to identify sexually don't come easily.

Heck, this describes how I felt about my sexuality for a long time too until I just bit the bullet and found out I feel approximately equal about sex with men and sex with women.

But then I realize that not a lot of other people find the idea of being with someone of the same gender sexy, and in fact feel gross at the VERY IDEA of it. (Which isn't necessarily homophobic, just their preference - a deep abiding "DO NOT WANT.")

There's a certain point where you go: "Actually... yeah, that's hella gay. Why did I ever think I was straight?"

ARYT

I keep forgetting that and tbh I can't really wrap my head around it. My deal is more that I go "maybe straight girls also sometimes think about sex with other women/check out other girls/watch lesbian porn; maybe this is a completely straight thing to do?"

I thought this too, but then I realized - no. They don't.

And then I was like: "Shit, maybe I really AM bisexual. Goddamit, why me?!"

That's really all the advice I can offer, unfortunately. :/

I know one who does. She thought she was gay most of her life because of it until she started having sex with women and didn't care for it, then tried it with men and loved it. But she says she still lusts mainly after women from afar.

They don't. I promise you, they don't. Just like I, a lesbian, only had to FORCE myself to think about sex with a man--and was disgusted by it.

DA

Well...I don't check girls out (the only one I ever found myself sort-of doing that for bore a striking resemblance to a guy I liked), but I used to check out lesbian porn...I can't really imagine myself with a girl...And I consider myself straight. So...Yeah. I hope you figure out your orientation/identity, good luck!

I check out other girls, but lesbian porn does nothing for me and when I think about sex with other women, it's not so much gross as just "meh." The idea just feels really, really dull to me. I would rather be scouring the bathtub or sorting lint by color. (I sometimes wonder if that's how asexual people feel, except towards everyone and not just one gender.) The checking-out is more like "You're body is aesthetically pleasing and interesting to look at and I would like to stare at it for a while" while with men it's like that but with an added layer of "...and also do naughty things with it."

This used to be me. I honestly thought it was just admiration or just random fantasy and that I was completely straight. Only I finally figured out that yes, I want to have sex with girls and yes I'm attracted to them sexually. And yes, I can imagine myself dating and even married to a girl. Maybe not quite as much. I'm like a 60/40 bisexual if that is a thing.

AYRT

I can totally see myself dating and marrying a woman. I'm about 99% sure that I'm biromantic, it's just the sex part I'm not entirely sure of yet.

Then experiment, OP. Experimenting has a bad reputation these days, people just want everyone to be sure since they were teens, but it's a long used form of self-discovery.

Ah. I don't make that distinction for me personally because I can't ever see myself marrying or even seriously dating someone I didn't want to have sex with. For me, without sex it is just a friendship.

Eh, the thing is that some people DO skew more to one side than the other and that's okay.

Remember you don't HAVE to label yourself, or put yourself in a box. If it helps you, then obviously labels are helpful. But is they restrict you - forget them for a while.

It's oka to experiment, it's okay to doubt, and it's okay to find out our sexualit wasn't what ou thought it was (either way).

For me, the penny really dropped when I realized that I'd fallen in love with a female friend. As in "if she were a guy, I would marry her" type of love. But that was back before gay marriage was even talked about, much less actually having laws passed allowing it. Then I traced back through my history and went "well dang!". I was convinced for the first quarter century of my life I was straight. I just thought I was "broken" somehow because when other girls would squeak and squeal about hot guys, I honestly couldn't understand. Why? Because I felt the same whether I would looking at a cute guy, or a cute girl, so I just thought I didn't understand what attraction was.

Now that I've embraced my orientation, I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I can comfortably drool over Lucy Lawless and Tilda Swinton as much as I do over Colin Firth and David Bowie. In fact, my first real inkling that there was a wider world out there WAS seeing Bowie on "Labyrinth". Pretty like a girl and wearing make-up, but with a bulge? Some really funny feelings were going on there, I'll tell ya!

Anyway, I don't know if any of this will help. And bisexuality is a spectrum. I'm a smack-dab-in-the-middle type. Some lean more heavily toward the straight side, others toward the gay side. There is no right or wrong way to be bisexual. Or so I think. :)

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[ SECRET POST #2946 ]

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