fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3116 ]

[ SECRET POST #3116 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3116 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Fire Emblem: Fates]

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[Rebecca Black, Friday]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 027 secrets from Secret Submission Post #445.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's strange. I work with patients who are depressed, sometimes suicidal. I've had certain health problems due to genetics and injuries for the last couple years. But being made to feel like a liar, like I'm useless, like I am wasting 'resources' makes me understand why some people take their own lives. I've struggled a lot and worked really hard to get to where I am today career-wise and to the point where I feel like I know who I am and what I want. Yet this year...everything seems to have gone wrong.
I get judged for being too pretty, or being too quiet, or for not being nerdy enough I am rejected occasionally. That never bothered me, I figured, screw them.

I have only a few friends I can trust, though I am grateful to have some friends at all. I have a strained relationship with my parents, and my worsening health has made them resentful of me. I'm not young, I'm 29 years old so there are things I'm supposed to be taking care of on my own. But these health problems are becoming tiresome and depressing. I met up again with someone i loved and cherished a long time ago and was recently dumped more or less by him. He has his own problems and definitely wouldn't be able to support me even periferally and I never wanted to burden him with my issues, so I tried to be extra nice. He just wasn't ready or all that interested. My body is falling apart. I can only eat certain things and I have to take medications and be wary of interactions with my injuries and other preexisting conditions. I was generally healthy before that, but now it's not much more. I go to the doctors and they don't believe me because I look young and don't take me seriously. I have seen a psychologist before, long ago and I do appreciate what they do for you (it is also my area of interest) It may help me to go to one. I am working several jobs and looking for a new one so that I can continue to live independently. My health is putting all this in jeopardy. I still do the things I love, but more and more I feel like my body is falling apart and it needs rest and I just can't do that right now. I am taking classes for a master's program and am maintaining my 4.0 so that I can get into a phd program. I have a lot to prove because I was fired from a job I loved last year.

For the first time in my life, since I was a teenager, I think I truly understand what it is to contemplate suicide. I feel trapped, by my body and my health and I feel bad for being a burden on my parents. I need help from others and this makes me feel ashamed since I was able to live on my own for a while. I feel like everything is falling apart right now and I worry about so many things. I will still have a future if I don't get into graduate school, but I wonder if I will be truly happy doing that.

I just want to be well and to be able to live normally again.

I told my dad, "maybe I will die before you". and he said "good, then I will get the insurance money." That kind of set me off.

That's terrible, Jesus, I'm sorry

Also I don't have any real advice but that sounds awful and I don't think you should feel bad for feeling crappy and I hope you feel better

hugs if wanted

thank you.

Everyone needs help at some point in their lives. Everyone.

It doesn't make you a lesser person for needing/seeking help.

Don't focus so much on what's supposed to be normal, or what's gonna happen in the future. You're in no position to do that, and to pretend otherwise is cruel. Figure out what's best for you right now. You've got the rest of your life to figure out what happens after.
And if someone's judging you? "Bitches say shit but they ain't say nothing."

I'm sending you internet hugs.

"Bitches say shit but they ain't say nothing."

hehe, thanks that cheers me up.

A chronically ill anon here, but... Sometimes it's okay to admit you can't do something. Yeah, I get it, the narrative of "BUT YOU SHOULD CONTRIBUTE" sucks. But it's bullshit. Your health is more important. If you run yourself into the ground, you WILL fall apart. It will make all your health problems worse. It won't be pretty, either.

That is true.

I feel you on the whole people not taking you seriously when you need medical treatment thing. I often get interrupted by doctors when I try to tell them about things to be asked stuff like "how is your mental health?" and shit. The thing is, I know my mental health isn't great so it is a valid concern, but at the same time, I feel like my physical problems are being brushed off because I'm stressed. I know for me at least, feeling anxious or depressed can have an impact on my physical health, and even when I'm feeling good mentally, having a bad pain day can make me feel really low.
Sometimes it's really a fight to get people to see that both sides of it need to be treated and managed. You don't have to put up with the doctors that won't even listen or try to help. You deserve to be as healthy and happy as you can be.

It sounds like you're putting a fair bit of pressure on yourself to maintain your grades and you have what could be a pretty stressful job. Mental health care can burn you out, so I hope you're being kind to yourself and you've got good support with your work and study. Maybe look into that if you're not taking advantage of it? You are not wasting resources. You are using them in the way they are intended to be used and you have just as much right to use them as anyone. That's what you'd tell any of the patients you work with, right?

It's hard when what's going on with you isn't obvious because you feel more pressure to make light of it, and you think that people are never going to take it seriously, or there are people who are worse off who are more deserving of help, but these are the things that hold you back from getting help and getting out of the slump when your health takes a dive. Trust me on this one, because I have to work really hard not to get overwhelmed by all that crap in my head, too. I know it's not a magic fix, but you can look into cognitive behaviour therapy. I feel like it's a load of garbage when I'm sitting in a shrink's office talking about it, but I have felt slightly better about some things when my thoughts get too dark.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. I know having chronic health issues can be rough. I try to focus on what I can do to better manage things rather than wishing it was all gone. My good days may never be as good as the ones healthy people with no history of mental or physical illness have, but I've decided to enjoy them.

If you expended the same amount of energy and effort into being good to yourself and looking into ways to help yourself that you did on your grades, you might be feeling a little different. Just something to think about! Hang in there, anon.

Thanks. I was kind of afraid to look at my post because I was sort of embarrassed. Some days are still kind of rough, especially when it comes to interacting with certain people, but I know it isn't all bad. My health was getting better, when all of a sudden a whole slew of new things cropped up one after another. It's not been good.

I saw a Psychiatrist when I was in HS and I didn't really have any diagnosable problems, but it really did help me when I got to sit down and talk to her about everything I was feeling and crying about it pretty much every session. I'm still thinking about it, my doctor doesn't think I need to see one, and my insurance may not cover it, but it is something that makes me feel more secure, knowing that I can always see someone. You are right, it is a resource that is meant to be used. Maybe I will look around for a counselor or something.

I still feel really sad about my last relationship. It's hard because he didn't quite break it off, and he wouldn't say that he didn't like me. Sucks when people try to break it off without making themselves feel guilty. He was avoiding me for a while too and it was weird because it happened so suddenly. But I know he wasn't ready. Just...I really liked him a lot. Maybe it was childish, but I still had special feelings for him.

Work has been good for me, at least the one job I like. I'm still frustrated about not finding that additional job though. I'm definitely taking advantage of my free time to rest since my pain started flaring up again big time today. That seemed to help a lot. It seems like you went through a lot too and I really appreciate your advice and empathy. I talked to a nurse recently who I work with/under and she was very encouraging too, which helped. She told me I should also look out for my health and find the physicians I can communicate with. I feel lucky to be able to work with several smart and kind people in the medical industry.

Hey, it's all good. I get embarrassed after I talk about stuff too sometimes. I won't talk about it, and then it all comes out at once and it's all emotional and weird, and then I can't take it back.

Look, if you have stuff you want to talk over, then absolutely go talk to someone. It's especially important if you feel there's a possibility of you feeling worse rather than better in the future. I don't think it matters much what degree someone has if you're just looking to talk and get some perspective, finding someone you feel comfortable with is more important.

Ah that sucks about the guy. It's not childish at all, but maybe you are feeling it more because of everyone else that's going on? I've definitely felt more connected to certain people when I've been going through rough patches and it must be hard to just be dropped like that. It's not very fair of him to not be clear with you, too.

I'm glad work has been good for you. That's a positive to focus on at least. It's probably a good idea to listen to your body when you have a bad pain day. I don't always take my own advice there, but I'm glad you are getting some rest.

You're most welcome. I feel like I've been slowly getting better at handling different things, so when people post stuff lately and they sound like I did when I wasn't looking after myself and I was really pushing the limits with my health, I feel like if I can share what helped me, maybe someone else might benefit from it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm sorry if anything I've said was preachy or patronising. I really do empathise, and it's great you have a nice coworker looking out for you.

Best of luck with everything!

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[ SECRET POST #3116 ]

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