fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3165 ]

[ SECRET POST #3165 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3165 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

[Miranda]

__________________________________________________

03.

[Dramatical Murder]

__________________________________________________

04.

[Mortal Kombat (1995)]

__________________________________________________

05.

[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]

__________________________________________________

06.

[Berserk]

__________________________________________________

07.

[Ace Attorney/Metal Gear Solid]

__________________________________________________

08.

[Final Fantasy XII]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 008 secrets from Secret Submission Post #452.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What do you call fake spaghetti?

AN IMPASTA

It makes me laugh at least...

My little sister has been cracking up over this joke all summer. *facepalm*

On exactly the same level: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

Q: Where does George Washington keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.

Holy crap, I laughed way too hard at that.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

Oh, I like this one.

This is awesome :D

What's ET short for?

He's got little legs.

That's adorable.

I like anti-jokes.

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 00:29 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 16:14 (UTC) - Expand

Okay, this one probably won't make sense unless you're aware of a certain internet meme, but it made me crack up, so...

-----

Yes, of course I’ve heard what the superstitious locals say: “Stay out of the mountains! There’s no shelter on those harsh peaks, and every last combe and glen is infested with killer spiders!”. They say there’s no way to safely cross that mountain range - anyone trying to rest high up on the peaks will die of exposure, lashed by cruel icy winds. Better that, though, than to risk seeking shelter in the forested vales.

The Crawling Death, they call it. Great glossy black eight-legged fiends, some small enough to creep between the rings of your maille, some large as a splayed hand and quick as a cat, and some - so they say - the size of dogs. Or swine. Or cart-horses. The tales have been exaggerated in the telling, of course, since hardly anyone dares venture far into the gullies and ravines that lace between the majestic peaks (most certainly not at night, when the Crawling Death make their appearance, silent as a shadow).

Even if they’re not quite as large as people say, they’re certainly no less deadly. The king’s physicians, who had the unenviable task of tending to the survivors of the last failed expedition, wrote down in stomach-turning detail the precise symptoms of that merciless venom. Erupting blisters the size of a hen’s egg. Flesh blackening, rotting, and sloughing away from the bone. Sweating, drooling, trembling, nausea, vomiting, ranting and raving and spasming like a creature possessed until death seems like a mercy. Others were gripped with a pain unmatched by any wound of war, paired (curiously) with an erection hard as any standing stone.

And yet, in spite of all this, I’m planning an expedition into the mountains. It’s true, I haven’t the equipment with me to safely shelter from the bitter cold above the tree-line, out of the reach of skittering legs and poison-slick fangs. I have no blessing from the gods, and no miracle of alchemy intended to keep the Crawling Death at bay. What I do have, though, is a map. A map from a past age, a more enlightened age, where the cartographers had a decent understanding of the sciences, rather than the encyclopaedic knowledge of rumour and superstition that seems to be the requirement for a mapmaker these days. And from this map - and the journals that I found with it - I have deduced one particularly salient fact, that I am convinced will allow me to make the journey through the supposedly arachnid-infested ravines in perfect safety.

The superstitious peasants might say every last one of those valleys is crawling with deadly poisonous creatures, but in fact, most of them are utterly empty and safe! However, my map has revealed the source of this rumour: Spiders Gorge, which contains over ten thousand spiders, is an outlier adn should not have been counted.

Why did the racist choke on his yogurt?

There was a foreign culture in it.

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

hamimi_fk - 2015-09-04 00:02 (UTC) - Expand

A guy walks into a bar. OUCH!

If I may add on to that...

sky_queen3 - 2015-09-04 15:22 (UTC) - Expand

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump!

Re: It works better if you tell it out loud, but...

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 03:50 (UTC) - Expand

How did the hipster burn his hand?

He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

hwc - 2015-09-04 00:54 (UTC) - Expand

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 00:45 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 06:58 (UTC) - Expand

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

solticisekf - 2015-09-04 03:22 (UTC) - Expand

Neon walks into a bar.

The bartender gives him a dirty look. "Sorry, we don't serve Noble Gases here."

Neon doesn't react.

Two cats, one British, the other French, swam over the English Channel. The British cat was called One-Two-Three Cat, while the French was named Une-Deux-Trois Cat. Which of the two cats managed to get across?

One-Two-Three Cat, because Un-Deux-Trois Cat sank.

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

inkdust - 2015-09-04 00:54 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 05:27 (UTC) - Expand

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 05:37 (UTC) - Expand

i just really like sven and ole jokes okay

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No you idiots, I'm the ice rink attendant!"

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I was only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I was only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue with Ole when he's been drinking."

One Sunday, one of Ole and Lena's neighbors notices that their son hasn't been at church with them for a few weeks, and asks what happened. Ole replies, sheepishly, "Oh, he vent off to Yale."
The neighbor is pretty surprised by this, since it's well known around town that Ole's son is as dumb as two posts put together, and says, "Well! I would never have thought. Aren't you proud of him?"
Ole looks even more sheepish, and Lena, scowling, interjects. "He's using the Svedish pronunciation."

Ole died. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print the death notice.
The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?”
“Ole died.”
The clerk looks up. “What else?”
“Nothing else.”
“But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?”
“Nope.”
The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.”
“Ten words, and it won’t cost extra?” she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.”

Re: What is the cleanest, least offensive, FUNNY joke you know?

(Anonymous) - 2015-09-04 07:12 (UTC) - Expand

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's pop corn?"

An old lady is driving her car while knitting. A motorcycle cop overtakes her and calls, "Pull over!"

"No, cardigan."

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Let me look that up for you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only