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⌈ Secret Post #3321 ⌋

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...someone asking the parents' permission before proposing to someone?

Because I find it skeevy as hell but I had to bite my tongue because my best friend's husband did it.

...someone asking the parents' permission before proposing to someone?

It's creepy, unless the person has indicated they want that sort of thing done.

Edited 2016-02-07 01:25 (UTC)

Eh, some people are traditional. I feel the same way about it as I feel about getting married in general, really.

Probably completely unnecessary but it makes some people feel nice to do it so whatever.

In one way I think it's a bit cute, though at the same time my parent's giving a potential husband their permission would mean nothing really. (Or it would make me happy that they accepted my future husband)

It's the "permission" aspect that's a little odd/old-fashioned; as if the SO would comply and not propose if the parents denied them. But if the SO just privately meets with them, lets them know their plan, and has a little chat about how much they like their kid, that's a different thing and fine. This is pretty much what my BIL did.

I dunno, maybe it's more of an issue in relationships between families of more significantly different cultures/religions. My BIL is Japanese-American and my family is Jewish, and that wasn't any kind of barrier for our families coming together, but other combinations and other parents might be more stringent in their regards for matchmaking.

I think it's only creepy if the couple have never had any conversations about it being a serious relationship (ex. exclusivity or thoughts about children).

Or if the way the guy presents it to the parents is 'this is happening' rather than 'are you okay with me becoming part of the family'?

I think it's silly to ask parents' permission before asking the person you're asking for obvious reasons but I think that telling them you're planning on proposing is nice. It's kind of like bonding, I suppose, and shows how close fiance/e and prospective in-laws are.

I don't think it's skeevy because I don't think it's intentionally done in a malicious "you're property" kind of way these days. I do however find it to be an old-fashioned, outdated piece of tradition that is wholly unnecessary (and was only ever necessary because of the demands dictated by society, not because there's anything moral or just in it.)

I don't think its skeevy at all.

I'm a hopeless, old-fashioned romantic.

Also, my parents would know my feelings on the matter, and would actually save the guy (and me) some grief if I'm nowhere near that stage yet.

Alternately, if it's someone I would marry, I think it's a sweet gesture. As someone else said, it's more of a "is it okay for me to join your family?" kind of thing than anything else, at least in my neck of the woods.

Okay but the fact you let your parents dictate your love life is what's fucked up.

What happens if they say no but you want to marry this person? Do you just not get married because Mommy and Daddy say no?

I'm a hopeless, old-fashioned romantic, too. If the man offers my father less than twenty cows for my hand, I know it's not serious. Likewise, I'm moved by the prospect of my family hanging the bloodied bridal sheet out the window to show the village I went to my wedding bed pure.

I'm old-fashioned I guess because I think the tradition is cute, on the same level as the father walking the bride down the aisle. Obviously in the past it had more meaning behind it, but now as a 'I'm about to become a part of this family' kind thing, I don't see a problem.

I personally would like it to happen so my parents could give the guy the heads up that I hate public proposals, so then we don't both get embarrassed.

yeah, i think it's skeevy.

only exception would be if the person being proposed to wanted it done.

and if it was more of a "let's tell the parents before we go ahead and do this" thing, rather than something like: "surprise! i just asked your dad if i could marry you and he said yes. now we're getting married! no take backs!"

I think the asking is a polite gesture.

In the "I'm going to ask as a polite gesture, but if you say no, too bad for you because I and the partner have it planned already" kind of way.

More like asking for a blessing.

I understand that people look on it as a lovely, old-fashioned gesture, but I find it kind of icky myself. I would be annoyed if my fiance (now husband) had done that because hello, it's OUR decision, nobody else's. The evil cow in me wouldn't have held my tongue in your situation. But I would've put on my most innocent, curious face, leaned in and asked them what they would've done if the parents had said "no".

I'm feminist as fuck and I'm a lesbian, and I think it's a sweet gesture.

My family is important to me, and I think that's a good thing - and for me, marriage really will be about bringing two families together, not just two people (assuming my partner is also on good terms with their family).

Obviously it's not a "real" request for proposal permission, but I think my family would be really honored to be told and treated with such respect.

I find almost everything associated with weddings and engagements to be silly at best and unhealthy at worst. Expensive ring, expensive dress, getting down on one knee to propose, it's all bizarre, creepy, and off-putting.

You sound young.

Yeah "asking for permission" is itself an outdated way of referring to this practice. Because very few people ask for permission; they ask for a blessing. It's a way of finding out of the union is going to create strife between the woman and her family.

I asked because I know how important her parents are to my wife. I didn't want to drop a surprise that could drive a wedge between them. And funnily enough, when I asked, they said they had reservations about me, we worked through them, and know I'm closer to my in-laws than I am to some of my blood relatives.

Unless you are marrying the heir to the crown of England, don't bother with it. If you are marrying the heir to the English throne then it is a legal requirement.

[ SECRET POST #3321 ]

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