[ SECRET POST #3365 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3365 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #481.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

in a sexual relationship, is it ever ok for one party to go along with sex just because the other one wants is, even if the first partner isn't really in the mood? cause that sounds creepy to me, but apparently I'm in one of those relationships.

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah. That is what people in relationships do sometimes. Sometimes you don't feel completely up for sex, but your partner is so you go ahead and do it. And sometimes they are not up for sex, but you are and they do it anyways.

Adult relationships are filled with compromise!

[(Anonymous)]

This. Sometimes you watch a movie you're not that into because your beloved really likes it, sometimes you go to the restaurant you're not enthused about because it has their favorite dish, and sometimes you take the extra few minutes to make them come so hard they scream, even if you wouldn't otherwise have felt like it. In all cases, it's because what you really want is to make your beloved happy. And as long as that's a two-way street, no problem.

[a_potato]

It can be, but it depends. The question to ask is: is the person who's going along with it making that choice because they just genuinely want to do something to make their partner happy, or are they doing it because they feel pressured or coerced?

It has to do with the larger dynamic of the relationship and the way that sex is being approached. I've had sex when I haven't really been in the mood, but it's in the context of a relationship where my feelings are respected, my needs are met, and I know that it's totally okay for me to say "no." If someone is having sex because they don't feel like they'll be respected otherwise, or because they don't feel like they can say "no," then that's a big problem.

[(Anonymous)]

"The question to ask is: is the person who's going along with it making that choice because they just genuinely want to do something to make their partner happy, or are they doing it because they feel pressured or coerced?"

+1

It can be fine. It can be not fine. It can be fine and not fine at different points in the same relationship.

[kamino_neko]

I agree with everything the spud said.

[(Anonymous)]

This. There have been a few times where I was like "hey man, go for it" when I was not particularly in the mood and it was fine. It wasn't traumatic or anything like that and I was even the one who made the initial offer. Like you said though, it would be a completely different story if I was in a relationship where I felt coerced into having sex for whatever reason.

[making_excuses]

Sure why not, I've had sex countless times with my exes when I haven't really been in the mood. I was quite happy to do it for them, because it made them happy or because even if I'm not in the mood for sex it's not a bad experience for me. I've always thought having sex when I wasn't really in the mood for it in just the same category as when my partners have done things with me that they really haven't been in the mood for or interested in. Relationships are among millions of other things about compromises.

It only turns creepy or abusive the moment you feel you have to say yes to sex no matter what because your partner will react badly to you saying no.

[(Anonymous)]

Depends on the person/relationship imo. It also depends on what you mean by "not in the mood." Sometimes I've had sex with my partner when I'm not in the mood, meaning I'm hardly upset at the idea of having sex but it isn't something I would have suggested in the moment but okay I guess.

But sometimes I'm "not in the mood" meaning I'm not feeling well (physically or emotionally) and don't want to have sex, and I think if my partner expected me to just go along with it when I was I feeling like that it would be rude.

So I guess my answer is, it can be okay, but that doesn't mean its always okay. Its all about compromise. But sex is a super personal thing, so if you have different opinions, talk them out with your partner. Communication is key.

[diet_poison]

If they want to they can? It's their choice. As long as it actually IS their choice and they're not being coerced then they have the right to make that choice.

[aenrhien]

It depends? If the partner who wants sex is being pushy and insisting/trying to initiate even after you've told them you aren't in the mood, then no, that's not okay and you should probably have a long talk with your partner about respecting your boundaries.

But if your partner isn't being pushy or you just aren't telling them you're not in the mood, then I'd suggest speaking up about it, because chances are they'd be willing to find other forms of intimacy if you aren't feeling like bumping uglies right then.

[(Anonymous)]

It's actually a mitzvah in some religions!

[(Anonymous)]

if the partner is okay with having sex just to make their partner happy, then okay it's their decision. but if they think saying no would cause problems, there is a problem.

if this is a constant ongoing thing, that's also a huge issue. a relationship shouldn't consist of one person doing things they don't want just for the other person.

and if you're the person who's learned that you're partner doesn't want and is just doing for you, i can understand being upset by that too, especially if they've never expressed what was going on before.

but it doesn't sound too good to me

[(Anonymous)]

Yes.

It's not okay to badger or coerce your partner into having sex if they're not in the mood, but if they decide on their own to indulge you even if they're not really feeling it (sex in general, or a particular act) right now, that's fine.

[(Anonymous)]

it's totally ok in mine. sometimes I don't feel like pasta, but if he really has a craving, I'll just suck it up and we'll cook pasta. same for sex. many relationships have a slight imbalance of libido, so theswe things will happen and you'll have to find a way to cope, because a healthy sex life is part of a healthy sexual relationship.