fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3653 ]

[ SECRET POST #3653 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3653 ⌋

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I don't know if this will make a lot of sense but I don't have any place else to put this. I'm not sure how I feel, if I'm relieved or upset, and I think I just need to tell someone who isn't part of the drama.

I have a friend who is really a frenemy. Met several decades ago in RL through a common fandom, had a complicated on-again, off-again friendship through out that whole time, and finally broke it all off about 12 years ago. I've dreaded the possibility that this person would somehow pop up in my life someday and skew all the growth and changes I've made. Every time they've been in my life, I've caved to their stronger, more demanding personality and I've ended up eviscerated when they shredded me as they were leaving.

Then, just a few days ago, I learned that my frenemy died right before Christmas.

It wasn't a sudden death either. I am friends with her daughter on social media and nothing was said at any point or posted or hinted at during her illness. My friend's husband contacted me and told me she was dead. She contracted cancer, diagnosed in March and dead by Christmas.

I don't know how I feel. I can't tell if I'm grateful to have been kept out of the loop, mystified that she and her family kept everything secret, or... what? Why tell me after the fact? If she hated me, surely she wouldn't care if I ever found out about her death. I can't figure out why I was informed at all when she and her husband have had no real contact in 12 years. I feel like it's the most fucked up thing I've had to deal with since the last time she broke off our friendship.I just can't figure out how to process this, how to put it behind me and let it go.

If you got to this point, thanks for reading. I just don't have a disinterested or non-involved person to tell this to. I appreciate your being there. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to you too D:

I lost someone a couple weeks ago. Also kind of a friend, kind of not. I don't really have any advice for you on sorting out your feelings. I think it's okay to be relieved and upset and also not sure, though. You don't have to figure out how you feel at all, if that makes sense. It's okay to just be like "okay, this was a thing" and move on.

Do you know she hated you? 12 years is a long time to hold a grudge, and even if she did still harbor some sort of negative feelings, I can't imagine that extending to her caring if you knew about her death. I would think they probably just wanted to keep the medical drama within the family, especially if the diagnosis was so grim.

The family is probably just working on tying up lose ends by informing people of her passing. Since you were once friends, and you're still friends with her daughter, it only makes sense that they would let you know.

OP

I'm sorry for your loss, soldatsasha. Thank you for your comments. I think a large part of my conflict comes from the fact that this is the first person in my circle of contemporaries to die. She was only a couple of years older than I am. Maybe I'm just confronting my own sense of mortality and it's adding to the confusion of how I feel.

I exchanged emails with her husband within the past year, during the time of her illness, on some superficial topic so we were... IDK, civil? If he thought I should know, I don't know why he didn't tell me then that she was as sick as she was.

She was complicated. She could be fun and generous, she was equally capable of shredding my self-esteem when it suited her. She would be my friend for a few years then break off with a letter or a scene that left me shattered for years. I got some therapy, I got some schooling, I got a little older and wiser during one break. When she tried to reconnect, I finally told her how she'd hurt me thoughtlessly over the years and that I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. We needed to start over if we were ever going to have a real friendship. She chose to end all contact for a few more years. When she tried to contact me again, I was cautious and reiterated my boundaries. She went ballistic and it was over.

When she was "on" with our friendship, we had a lot of good history and shared experiences. When she was "off" again, she made me feel lower than dirt. She had a lot of the issues that she accused me of and she was self-destructive. I think she hated me almost as much as she hated herself when we broke the friendship and that's the best way I can find to explain our relationship at the end of it.

"If he thought I should know, I don't know why he didn't tell me then that she was as sick as she was."</b? nayrt but if I got diagnosed with cancer, I'm not going to keep casual acquaintances "in the loop". Why? It's not their business, it's mine. I would tell family and very close friends, and that's all. Telling people about a loved one's passing isn't the same thing as keeping them up to date on the progression of their cancer. The former is a brief announcement. The latter means months and months of painful conversations with well meaning people when you're already sad and exhausted from dealing with the loved one's illness and possible death. I don't think you should be surprised that the husband declined to do the latter, but was okay with the former.

OP-

I suppose that I never considered our friendship a casual one so I haven't classified myself as such. On further reflection, perhaps I should.

Thank you for your insights.

I suspect you're waaaaay overthinking this. Not everyone posts about serious illness to social media, particularly if it's terminal. It's not as though people are deliberately keeping you and everyone else in the dark, it's just that illness (particularly a serious or terminal case) is exhausting and many people prefer to keep things private.

Your friend's husband was probably notifying people who knew his wife, just as a matter of courtesy. It's unlikely he was doing it to get your goat. I don't mean to be unkind here, but you're viewing all this through the You Filter, when it's not really about you. This person you knew got diagnosed with cancer, either a really deadly one or one that was caught at too late of a stage to treat it properly. She and her family have likely been busy doing what they can to help her, or perhaps putting her affairs in order, grieving, and trying to deal with an unexpected health crisis.

Again, it's highly unlikely they're thinking about you and your rocky friendship at all. I'm only saying this because I think maybe putting things into perspective might help you move on. This is a thing that happened to someone you used to be close to. Grieve if you need to. It might take a while to unpack the complicated feelings behind knowing that for better or worse, this whole frenemy business is over. It's okay to feel relieved that you don't have to deal with it (or her) ever again.

OP--

You make several excellent points. Thank you.

I am quite prone to overthinking everything,which is not helpful in the least when I am emotionally or cognitively overextended.
I don't have perspective right now and no one I really believe will tell it to me straight or wasn't involved in the toxic mess that our friendship became.
I'm always afraid I'll be gaslighted again by someone who professes I can trust them so I question every angle of a thing until I tie myself into knots.
Add to that the emotional confusion that I'm feeling and, yeah, it's pretty obvious that I need to take time to feel my way out of this and to realize it's really over. I don't have to worry about any confrontations anymore, I just have to accept that it is what it is and it isn't going to change anymore.

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[ SECRET POST #3653 ]

Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.

Re: Frenemies--I just have no idea how to deal.