He's had cancer for a few years now, but he seemed to be fighting it well. Just....not anymore, I guess. Latest test are not good, and he's also not eating well, and seems just generally fragile.

My relationship with my dad has been complex over the years, but now I can't get over the idea we might already have had a last birthday, or last Christmas, and if that's the case...well i don't think i'm ready to let go. And while he is actually older now than most his male relatives got to be...I still tend to associate death of a parents with people older than me, especially in this day and age. I mean there was this girl in college, and my ex's dad died young, but those were generally outliers. It doesn't ever seem real you'll be one of them. I already lost a friend and an aunt to cancer last year. everything is wearing me down.

And the shitty thing is I'd been doing well the last three month. I got out of a toxic job, been seeing friends again, being less depressed. But it just really seems like doesn't like me catching a break.

Sorry for the rant, but it feels like I needed to.