[ SECRET POST #3739 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #3739 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 01 pages, 07 secrets from Secret Submission Post #533.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Ethical dilemma...

[(Anonymous)]

Kinder just to let it go. In my experience people need to want help and it sounds like they don't. I know someone who spent months working with a narcissistic relative who kept claiming she just needed some clue as to what others wanted. Friend would send detailed lists of "Here is what I want you to do." and the relative would ignore them all while still constantly crying that she was so heeeelpless and confused and she wanted to make things right with people but no one would ever just teeeeeell her what she needed, it was all their fault for just never telling her. She was so lost and confused and none of it was her fault.

In short, if relative really wanted to reconnect with the people they'd hurt they'd talk to the people involved, listen to what they had to say, and respect them. It sounds like they don't really want to do that, so.... nothing you can do.

Re: Ethical dilemma...

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, that is... really close to what she does. I mean nobody's ever given her a detailed list but this is usually how the cycle goes:

1. She says or does something horrible to someone.
2. That person is angry, sad, upset, offended and says so.
3. She gets defensive and angry, either denying she said the thing (despite witnesses or e-mails as proof), or claiming that she didn't mean it that way, making up excuses and generally not acknowledging she messed up.
4. If you don't back down and agree, she'll tell you how sad and upset you're making her and that she doesn't understand what she did wrong, even if you just told her in detail.
5. If you still don't accept her version of the story, she will sometimes go even further and make a point of saying how she's old and lonely and she tries SO HARD to think before she speaks but she just can't do it. It's impossible for her. She'll also hint that YOU'RE the mean, unreasonable one for expecting her to do this.
6. Lots of "I LOVE YOU"s and "I AM SORRY" with lots of capitalized words.
7. She's going to try to work on the issue and talk to her therapist about this.
8. Silent treatment for weeks or months.
9. Comes back like nothing ever happened, she's all chirpy and determined to pretend like everything's fine. If you mention the incident, she'll claim she doesn't remember, doesn't understand why you were mad, and implies that it was some trivial squabble where you were both equally to blame.

I should add that she's totally willing to reconnect with her kids, but neither of them want anything to do with her. When she says reconnect though, what she means is act like one big happy family without addressing what went wrong or changing her behavior. That's why her kids stopped returning her calls years ago.

Re: Ethical dilemma...

[(Anonymous)]

That sounds narcissistic to me, though I am no armchair shrink. I have heard, sadly, the price you pay for any sort of a relationship with a narcissist is accepting their version of events as 'true', all of the time. It means having to constantly suck up and just accept that the only reality they're willing to acknowledge is the one they've made up.

For many people this price is way too high and I don't blame them for cutting contact.

Re: Ethical dilemma...

[were_lemur]

Wow. That is some textbook gaslighting right there.

In order for someone to change, they first have to WANT to change. It sounds like she wants everyone else to just accept her bad behavior.

She's emotionally abusive and manipulative. In order to change her behavior, she would first have to own that. While it's possible, I don't think it's very likely.

Re: Ethical dilemma...

[(Anonymous)]

It honestly sounds like her kids (the ones who want nothing to do with her) have the right idea. I mean, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds, but it sounds pretty bad. It sounds like distancing yourself from her as much as possible is probably a good idea.

Like, are her kids assholes? Because unless her kids are assholes, it probably says quite a lot that they want nothing to do with her. In my experience, people usually find it pretty difficult to be completely estranged from a parent. So if someone is completely estranged from one of their parents, it's usually an indicator that the parent gave them a very good reason to stay away. And if someone has an extremely toxic relationship with their kids...I just don't think it bodes well for other people in their lives, especially other family members.