fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3768 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3768 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Goodbye to Halos]

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[Great British Bake Off]

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11. [SPOILERS for Yuri on Ice]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #538.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 - I am not sure if this is a troll or not ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What I don't understand is that my mental health has improved exponentially in most ways - my moods are more stable, I'm doing better at work, I'm actually getting things accomplished for once - but I simply have no patience for other people anymore. I don't feel a real need to interact with others most of the time, and it bothers me that fact doesn't really bother me. I know this isn't good, but I don't know where this is coming from to help fix it.

today I sat at my computer all day, starting at 8am. 10 hours of refreshing tumblr. I got dressed and got ready to go out at noon and then I got distracted again. I didn't eat or drink anything. I didn't have coffee and now if I do I wont be able to sleep but if I don't I'll probably get a headache. is this is internet addiction?

Sounds like a lazy day to me. Did you have work to do?

It wasn't my day off. I'm unemployed and have a lot of stuff I should be doing.

First of all, have you had anything to eat or drink by now?

Second of all, is this something that happens often or is today unusual?

I had some soup and some chocolate. I think I'm going outside for a walk.

This is unusual in degree, but not in kind :(

Oh boy (warning for talk of self harm and suicidal ideation)

I posted about it briefly on here before, but unfortunately, while I wished it would do the opposite, getting a job has coincided with a serious downturn in my mental health. I'm barely keeping it together, my suicidal ideation is worse, my self harm has ramped up again, I cry frequently. Worst of all - I feel like I'm doing bad at my job. Its a retail job, and I have very bad social anxiety I fight with every day. I have been doing my goddamn level best to fight through it, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing good enough - not talking to customers enough or being helpful enough or whatever...... I'm not being scheduled very much and I'm worried its cause I'm not doing as well as everyone else. And if I can't excel at this job, what can I excel at? Why am I so useless?

tl;dr: I feel like I'm a bad employee and its making me unstable (or maybe I'm a bad employee cause I'm unstable - either way it makes me wanna die)

This honestly may be a point where you need to speak with a case worker about whether or not you'd qualify for disability. It's highly likely you won't be, but if your anxiety is so crippling that you're self-harming and having consistent suicidal ideation, then it's at least worth trying.

Are you being treated for your anxiety?

I don't have the money for treatment right now - I moved semi-recently to be closer to my family and that took a huge chunk of my money so I barely have the money for rent+groceries. If I can save enough money with this job I can probably afford treatment in maybe a month, but right now... :c

Not everyone is cut out for retail. Hell, a lot of people aren't cut for retail. Just because you may or may not be successful at this particular job is not an indicator that you're useless. Try looking for a different job. Think about what situation would make your anxiety lessen or give you some sort of comfort, and go for that. Assuming you're looking for entry level, there are actually quite a few options out there.

I've been trying to look for other options, but I can't commute rn (still learning to drive, its a whole thing) so my options are limited where I live. I want to avoid food service if I can (most people I know had really bad experiences with it), but I don't know if I'm really qualified for anything else... I don't even know what to look for at this point, I just feel defeated.

Warehouse work, data entry, childcare, phone bank type thing. Basically go to indeed.com or a job search site and put in "entry level" and you'll get some ideas of what you can do.

Another option that might help your anxiety is a temp service. If you have an end date in mind, and know it's just a temporary situation you may find yourself less stressed about it and easier to deal. Just an idea, obviously I don't know you or how your anxiety works/manifests.

Good luck on the driving thing! Do you have uber or taxis or public transport or anything as another option temporarily?

I've been taking the bus, but where I live there is not a whole lot except for a mall (where I am currently working) so like, a lot of people I know commute, which is why I am trying to learn how to drive.

Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'm qualified for warehouse jobs (a lot of the ones I've looked at require the ability to lift 50-60 pounds which I can't do, or the ability to drive a forklift, which I can't do cause of the whole driving thing) but I will look into the others.

I just wish I was good at the job I have though...

+1. Not even kidding: warehouse work was a million times better than retail, specifically because the only people I had to deal with was coworkers. I was fortunate that my coworkers were all pretty cool and decently antisocial themselves, so we were all congenial but didn't get into each other's way. I mostly did labeling of shit, though occasionally got to drive/operate the forklift. It really wasn't a bad job at all.

Data entry's always a choice, too. Tedious, from what I hear, but you also very rarely need to deal with anyone on the other end.

Well, feeling pretty down right now.

This is and isn't about my mental health. I'm too tired to go through the usual explaining and comforting routines I normally use when interacting with my relative who has paranoid delusions. I feel bad about it but I just can't take being accused of things constantly.

Honestly, I feel like I'm just jumping from one disappointment to the next and it's wearing on me. I kind of hate myself for thinking up stupid shit and getting my hopes up all while warning myself to not get my hopes up, but I never learn.

Not great.
I found out my mom has Stage 1 cancer in her uterus and will be getting a hysterectomy. She's also getting a knee replacement soon.

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