fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3834 ]

[ SECRET POST #3834 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3834 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I got into an awkward discussion with a distant cousin at a family reunion type event that started with them talking about another one of our distant family members who's actually much younger behaving in ways that the cousin found 'shameful' (it was really something fucking harmless tbh) and embarrassing in their opinion.

And now I'm debating with this person about why people who bug them don't deserve to be "taught better" through making fun of them until they change. This just seems something so basic but no matter how many times I've gone round with them they don't seem to see why they don't have some right to change every person who irritates them. Even if I try the "how would you like it?" route, which they seem to think is irrelevant. And now I kind of dread seeing them tomorrow

Why do some people think like this?

I think a lot of this kind of stuff is just... age and maturity.

You're doing good work trying to bang it into their heads, though, that definitely is important as well.

NAYRT

That kind of depends. If the cousin is a teenager, sure. If the cousin is 30something, something is wrong.

They are older which makes it worse, because they're pulling the whole 'wise older person talking to a young person" thing.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

yeah I haven't spent much time with this person but that is certainly a possibility

Probably because they've grown up around people who's default 'teaching' is shaming, and there are certain people (especially at certain ages) who aren't going to be swayed that how they're doing something isn't the best answer.

Yeah

They pull the whole "some people need a little 'bullying' to set them straight" bullshit. Which has me completely speechless. They don't even recognize their behavior as bullying and are huffy that I do.

This just seems something so basic but no matter how many times I've gone round with them they don't seem to see why they don't have some right to change every person who irritates them. Even if I try the "how would you like it?" route, which they seem to think is irrelevant. And now I kind of dread seeing them tomorrow

It sounds like you're wasting your time.

Probably.

If they really can't grasp that it's condescending and irritating to police other peoples' actions when those actions don't affect them (and being "embarrassed" doesn't count), then there's no reasoning with this person. I hope for their sake that they're young and dumb and will grow out of it.

But YOU don't need to be the person who sets them on the right path. Be cool and civil, but distant to them in person. If they ask why, be honest that their judgmental attitude makes you uncomfortable and you'd rather not be around someone like that. Don't worry about hurting their feelings. LET THEM feel the very natural, normal consequences to their actions.

We get irritated by people who have traits we hate about ourselves. That's why they annoy us, because we annoy ourselves with the same things.

Basically, tell this nasty cousin they need to work on themselves instead of projecting onto somebody else.

This!

We get irritated by people who have traits we hate about ourselves.

Or maybe some people are just shitty bigots for no reason! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We get irritated by people who have traits we hate about ourselves. That's why they annoy us, because we annoy ourselves with the same things.

That might be true sometimes, but it's far too simplistic to apply so generally,like claiming that all homophobes are really closeted self loathing homosexuals.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #3834 ]

How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

OP of comment.

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Re: How do you explain basic decency?

Something my grandma taught me...

Re: Something my grandma taught me...

Re: Something my grandma taught me...

Re: Something my grandma taught me...