fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #3901 ]

[ SECRET POST #3901 ]

⌈ Secret Post #3901 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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03. http://i.imgur.com/YVM0ZQW.png
[link for nudity/porn (illustrated)]

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04. [SPOILERS for Tokyo Ghoul]

[Tokyo Ghoul, character is Kureo Mado]

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05. [SPOILERS for Persona 5]

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06. [SPOILERS for Defenders]

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07. [WARNING for non-con maybe? I am not sure]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 00 secrets from Secret Submission Post #557.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Ask for your own advice here! Collapsed for length.

So I have had a relationship for three years, the first two long-distance until we decided to move in together. Through the last year, while we've had our ups and downs, we have shown to consistently collaborate, work together, we have a lovely flat which we reformed from zero, and we have a dog.

The thing is... sex is really, really not working. My partner has rejected my advances so many times that I don't feel comfortable initiating anymore, even though we seem to have otherwise good communication skills as a couple and he insists that he thinks I am attractive. I know these things don't match, but my guess is as good as yours. Every time I bring this topic on the table, he says there are other things that are stressing him about me and I always do my best to solve them, but the sex is still simply not there.

I started at a new job in July and get a very, let's say, positive response from both men and women because it's a job that requires looking good, being nice to people, etc. But pretty people hitting on me is not the problem. The problem is meeting interesting personalities who I seem to "click" with, and make me go through the whole hurricane of feelings from the beginning. Looking forward to seeing each other, smiling, getting to know each other slowly... I feel all to attracted to one person from my work and part of me feels guilty for it, but another part of me also knows that I have deep needs which are, within my relationship, not satisfied. It's also not only about being sexually attracted to someone, it's the "whole package", if you might.

On the other hand, I know sexual exclusivity was, from the first moment, negotiable in the relationship... but I also don't want to patch up a problem that seems super inherent to us by slapping the "open relationship" label on it, and either way I know I don't want to leave my partner, and I don't want to cheat on him.

Just typing all this up and posting it somewhere makes me feel better. I have a very good friend who already chimed in, but... thoughts? Maybe?

Obviously I don't have all the details, but you mentioned things that are stressing him about you. Are there other things stressing him? Does he seem happy? Could it be the classic depression-kills-libido situation?

What happens if you ask your partner if sex will ever be on the table and he says no? Would he flip out if you asked if maybe he was asexual? It seems wrong that he'd go so far as to say that "things are stressing him" about you and use that as a reason to avoid sex, but then not say what they were. Why can't he tell you? I dunno, anon. His comment just seems cruel, but I get not wanting to pressure him.

Hope I'm not prying too much, but I keep going over the "things that are stressing him about you" part. So it isn't just general/work-related stress that he cites as the reason? Has he brought up anything specifically? Also has the lack of sexual contact always been a thing since you started living together, or has it only come up recently?

Either way, I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it, anon. Relationship troubles are never fun. I hope you find some advice here that helps you get to a better place. x

May I suggest

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

"A support group for Redditors who are coping with a relationship that is seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. Advice is always appreciated, just don't be surprised if we've heard it all."

Even if you don't want to post, there are lots of links in the sidebar.

Would the two of you be able to stay friends if you broke up and you pursued a relationship with someone more compatible? It sounds like you really care about each other but certain parts of the relationship don't work. Long distance worked...without much if any of a sexual component I presume? Maybe you're meant to be friends?

IDK. I'm asexual myself. I certainly wouldn't tell someone it was stress keeping me from wanting sex.

I don't know what to tell you. But I can say that I think it's best to confront the problem head-on. On the one hand, if you want to see if this relationship can get better, you need to acknowledge that it needs work and communication to be fixed. And second, there might not be any perfect outcome here that satisfies all your preferred objectives, and it might end up being a case where you have to choose between those things.

If it's a problem now it will only become more so in the future. If you can'twork it out between you then I'd say leave him. Don't stay.in a relationship with someone you will grow to resent.

I have. And now we're married and all of our friends are mutual. And I am trapped.

Damn, that sucks, I'm sorry.

there are other things that are stressing him about me

This is such a weird thing to say.

A year is a long time to put someone off like this. Whatever is keeping him from having sex with you, it's not minor. Could be depression, or a medical problem, or he's not actually into you sexually, or not into sex at all... It's not likely something that's just going to go away or get better.

I don't have any good solutions for you, other than just trying to confront the problem. Couples counseling might not be a bad idea, if he'll go. Maybe try seriously floating the idea of an open relationship with him? I agree that it feels like it would just be a "patch" but it might demonstrate that you're serious and, if it goes through, give you a chance to explore a relationship where you are sexually satisfied? Just a possibility. This sounds like one of those situations where nothing will change if you don't take action to change it and like someone else said, you're probably going to come to a point where you have to make a hard decision.

I just feel so much less likable and worthwhile and human than everyone else around lately and it really sucks and I don't like it at all

It's a shitty feeling, isn't it? One thing I've learned is that it's a bad time to go shopping. Studies prove the worse you feel about yourself the more willing you are to spend money. IDK, maybe it has to do with soothing depression, or just thinking you don't have much value, but it's easy to overspend when feeling this way. Anyway that's what I've read, and it seems true in my own life regrettably...

Being likable is so hard to judge. I've had people tell me I'm very likable but it doesn't always feel true. Being worthwhile is more concrete, as every human being has value, and you are (I presume) a human. Therefore, you ARE valuable. Even if you have a disability, don't earn a lot of money, etc.

Too often in the western world people's perceived value to society and to themselves seems to be dictated by economic value, or what they cost, etc., but that's really a shitty way to look at things. It's one of the main ways capitalism fails, IMO: equating economic output with value. What bullshit. Anyway, yes, you do have value. And nobody is likable all the time (or unlikable all the time, either).

:)

DA And nobody is likable all the time

THANK YOU

Yep, been in that hole before. Hell, in some ways I'm still there. It sucks, doesn't it? But lately when I feel this way I tell myself Trump and his cabinet o' cronies exist and there's no way they're better than I am. I'm not fantastic, but it's not my life's work to shit on other people or the world. My response to my own inability to make friends or form romantic relationships was to go "oh well, lots to learn and at least you're not hurting anyone." Trump thinks everyone who dislikes him is a loser. So at least I'm not like him, and nor are you.

Feel better, OP.

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[ SECRET POST #3901 ]

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