fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #528 ]

⌈ Secret Post #528 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

A little early because I'm really tired...

Secrets Left to Post: 11 pages, 266 secrets from Secret Submission Post #076.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 1 - template ], [ 1 2 3 - repeat ], [ 1 - empty comment ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

158. Does this mean that all fangirls who claim to be straight on the internets are, in fact, simply homely lesbians who can't get a girlfriend, so they shoot straight for the nearest pimply Wookie with a schlong, who makes them eat cock all night long next to his collection of Star Wars and Warhammer figurines, when in fact all they really want is succulent wet pussy?

As a corollary, are all people who claim to be asexual on the internets in fact bisexual, yet so revolting to both genders that they must turn to inanimate objects which can neither give consent nor refuse, thus resulting in furious and delicious nerd-on-vibrator dubcon, when all they really want is to lick carpet whilst being pounded relentless by throbbing dick?

And are bisexual people in fact asexual, yet so utterly revolting inanimate objects that said objects flee in terror of their corpulent forms and they turn instead in shame to both men and women, pressed in on all sides by muscular pecs are heaving bosoms, when all they really want is the soothing, buzzing solace of a reliable hard plastic sex toy, slightly warmed in the microwave and lovingly slicked by water-based lubricant?

are all of you people fucking retarded?

here is the secret, in moron, just for you:

'THIS IS YOU:
"I'm a lesbian! But um, I only watch animes and shows with hot guys. And I only write yaoi. And I only draw hot boys. And all my icons are of these same hot guys. But I'm totally into women!"
NOT LESBIAN.'

fuck that shit. IF YOU ONLY WRITE/DRAW YAOI, AND YOU DON'T EVEN SO MUCH AS FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE FEMALES IN THOSE SHOWS YOU LOVE SO MUCH, YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMN LESBIAN.

Right, because not caring about creating about fanstuff about ficitional women is a good indicator that you're not lesbian.

:|

By your protests, I can tell that you are:

1) A closeted straight
2) Desperately lonely for the healing solace that only a penis may bring
3) So surrounded by the rolls of your own flesh you have not left your computer chair in days, except to:
4) Lick the clitoris of your internet girlfriend, which you dislike

Now weep, nay, wail in despair in the face of my infallible perception.

Unlike you, I have an icon of a woman, and thus truly enjoy fisting the moist vaginas of other women.

D: Wait, I'm a closeted straight? But I thought I was straight this whole time! Am I lying to myself or I'm being truthful?

Sexuality is so confusing, dammit!

All of your sexualities are lies to conceal the fact that you are fat and no one will ever love you.

;_; I'll go eat some cake now until I become morbidly obese and heel over from diabetes.

what

No, no, I completely understood and agree with your brilliant insight. I'm merely following it to its logical conclusion; girls on the internet who make icons of fictional men and write erotic fiction about them are all straight Jabba-esque semi-humans who jerk off to shotacon with one can whilst sucking Nutella off of their sausage-like fingers with the other. No one can truly desire such a loathesome creature, neither man nor internet girlfriend.

...But, by extension, are all fanboys who have icons only of large, virile men, most likely in power armor or other militaristic uniforms which display their ample bulging muscles to best effect, surrounded only by other men, in fact secretly gay despite their claims to the opposite? If all of their fiction revolves around such men entwined in desperate, sweaty, life-or-death combat, to the extent that it neglects that the girlfriend of said men are having tea parties in the interim, does that mean they secretly long for a female-free world in which their furry, porcine bodies would be loved and embraced at last as they lapped the tender anal orifices of fellow men?

Actually, I think it's a variable of attraction to real-life cock versus real-life pussy that makes one either straight, a lesbian, bisexual, or asexual. But maybe that's just me.

lawlawlalwlawlawlawl YOU ARE MY HERO. Please have many internets.

...You are amazing.

That is all.

BUT YOU DIDN'T MENTION CAKE! WHERE DOES MY CAKESEXUALITY FIT IN?

First, you win at the Internet.
Second, what about those of us who'd rather have tentacled loving than either variety of human sex organ?

lol! XD

[ SECRET POST #528 ]

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