fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4470 ]

[ SECRET POST #4470 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4470 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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OP

She hasn't explicitly told me, but I get that feeling it is, given her personality and the way her family is. I feel like she might not have even admitted it to herself if she has. I do know that she's only ever had two other relationships before her husband, and they were both with guys.

It does make me want to go a little easier on her, because like I said in another comment, it was entirely different for me. My family isn't religious and realizing I liked girls wasn't a big deal for me, so I don't know what she's going through and I don't feel right judging her. I mean, I could easily see her just marrying a man and having kids because she felt like she was supposed to and not really thinking there was any other option. I feel like it has to be scary for her to think of letting go of all of that. I do realize now that she should've figured all of that out before telling me she has feelings for her, but I just can't think of her as a bad person.

OP

Er, that should say "before telling me she has feelings for me"

I'm not saying this to be mean, but... you're already going plenty easy on her. You haven't been harsh with her or about her at all.

My caveat with this is that it's a huge life change for her, and that muddies the waters. It doesn't mean her feelings for you are invalid, just that they're a lot messier than they would be if she'd already traveled that road to the realization that she's not straight. It's like catching someone on the rebound, times a hundred... and there's a reason why most people advise NOT catching someone on the rebound, you know what I mean?

Like the rebound situation, there's a lot she needs to figure out for herself and she cannot do that while simultaneously diving headfirst into another relationship. She needs to get her own house in order first, and you won't be doing her any favors by adding a romantic entanglement to the list of things she has to get sorted out.

OP

I know that. I'm sure my feelings are clouding things, but I just can't think of her as a bad person. While everyone here is making me realizing that the way she's acted in this whole situation isn't right, I truly don't think she ever intended to hurt anyone.

Yeah. I definitely think things are a bit trickier than they would be if she was married to a woman right now, or at least had been in relationships with women in the past.

You're right. I think I need to take a step back right now, and let her figure things out first. Maybe somewhere down the lines maybe things could work, but I realize I also need to accept that they might not ever. And someone else asked how long I'm willing to wait, and that's something I need to figure out because I honestly don't know at this point.

I don't think anyone is saying she's Hitler, but the sad truth is that even people you love can behave in ways that are rather self-interested, oblivious to other peoples' feelings. And one of the best covers for that behavior is "love". Confessing her crush to her co-worker instead of working out her feelings in therapy and/or marriage counseling was self-interested. She doesn't have to do the work of untangling what's going on with her, for starters.

Dumping it in your lap instead can easily be mistaken for romantic - that's how our culture sees confessions of love, after all! It's a Grand Romantic Gesture, the stuff of movies... like crashing someone's wedding and blaring a love ballad to show them how much you love them. It involves you in her problems. And it opens up the tantalizing possibility that even though she hasn't done the work of figuring out what she wants and either sticking with her husband or extricating herself from an unhappy marriage, maybe you will do it for her by initiating a physical affair as well as the emotional one you're already having.

The question isn't just how long are you willing to wait, but how much are you willing to sacrifice for this? You've decided fairly quickly that you're not happy in your own relationship, but that's still a sacrifice. You've expressed the concern about your job, which was a hard earned position in a challenging field. Have you considered the possibility that one of you might have to quit? Or that your employer and colleagues might have issues with seeing two co-workers leave their partners and hook up? Even if you didn't technically cheat, it's going to look seriously dodgy from an outsider's POV. You could both be potentially working in a more hostile environment, and that's a big thing to consider.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. I think stepping way back is a good idea. If your co-worker is the right one for you, she'll still be the right one for you months or even a year down the line. Time is a good indicator of whether or not your feelings (and hers!) are love, or a passing infatuation.

OP

At work now, I have a few minutes before a meeting, so I wanted to reply.

Thank you. I appreciate you (and everyone else here) giving me a bit of a reality check in this whole situation. She definitely has a lot of things to figure out before there's even the possibility of anything between us.

And yeah, I can see how it would seem kind of sudden in the comments, but I haven't been happy in my relationship for awhile now. Everyone's replies here kind of was a wake up call to get me to admit it if that makes sense.

But job-wise, yeah, I'm not sure how that's going to work. We have other people who have met their SOs/spouses here, so it wouldn't be a problem from that aspect, but none of them were married or in relationships with other people when they got together, so it's a bit of a different situation. I think that's something we're just going to have to deal with if/when it happens.

Anyway, thanks again for the comment. She's not coming into work until this afternoon but I'm hoping to be able to find a few minutes in between other stuff to talk to her and tell her she needs to figure out things with her husband/herself first.

Oh, when I said you went quickly to deciding you weren't happy in your relationship, I don't mean that your decision was quick, I mean your realization was quick. It was fairly clear to most commenters here that your relationship must not be in top form if you're thinking about leaving. You began this thread by saying that it was a serious relationship probably heading towards marriage. It usually takes people a lot more than a few comments to wake up to the truth that actually no, they don't want to be on the relationship path they're on. I think it's a good thing, but it's a big life change for you, too.

You know your work environment better than we do. If there's already a precedent of people meeting and getting into relationships there, then that might help. But I suspect that if you want this to work (and it's kind of sounding like you do) and you want a clean transition where neither of your jobs are damaged, a clean break is absolutely necessary for your co-worker before you guys get together. You won't be able to avoid all the gossip about cheating, and it'll be partially true because there's clearly an emotional affair here. But it'll help to keep gossip to a minimum if you're both professional and detached now, while she's figuring out whether or not she really wants to leave her marriage.

To that extent, you may not be able to help her through this much even on a friendship level. That might be hard. I'm hoping your co-worker has good friends outside of work she can lean on during this time.

OP

Ah. Yeah, you're right. It was the kind of thing where I just assumed marriage would come next because we've been together awhile and that's the next step, and that's not a great reason to get married. And I don't know what it was, but after several people in a row were saying the same thing, it was like something just hit me, I don't know how to explain it.

Yeah. There was one couple who, now that I think about it was basically the same as our situation (one in a relationship, one married with kids) but both relationships had been over for quite awhile before they got together. There were rumors at first that there was an affair but they always swore there wasn't, and people eventually got over it. So, yeah, I think it would be okay, but if things ever do go anywhere we'd both need to be single for awhile first.

I know she has a good friend who's a gay guy who had a similar upbringing so I'm hoping he can help her out. I agree that I probably can't help her, and it's probably not a good idea even if I could since I'm too close to the situation.

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[ SECRET POST #4470 ]

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