fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4579 ]

[ SECRET POST #4579 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4579 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Vincenzo's Plate youtube channel]

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03.

[Terry Pratchett, Discworld]

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04.

[David Tennant in Good Omens]

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05.

[Black Mirror, "San Junipero"]

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06.

[Crazyhead]

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07.

[Love and Fortune]

Notes:

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Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
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No specifics in case she reads this, but I have a friend with absolutely no life that doesn't involve her husband or her kids. She constantly signs up for new things, then she says she's stressed and wish she had more free time. She'll sometimes say she wants to see her other friends more, but her kids. (Who are all more than old enough to do things on their own.)

I've hinted a few times that she can just not do everything, or take time for herself, with no response. The last time she lamented that she couldn't see a friend, I asked why her husband couldn't stay home with them. Nothing. Should I shut up about it? On one hand, I worry that she's forgetting she's allowed to have her own life that has nothing to do with her kids or, for that matter, her husband. On the other hand, maybe it's unfair for me to project my single, childfree existence onto her. Especially when even my own family was never like that - we were always very close, but everyone did their own thing some of the time, as opposed to every activity being a package deal.

Anyone?

To be honest, I think the most likely explanation is that she just values spending time with her family more than she values the other things she could be doing with her time. That might be that result of expectations that she's putting on herself that might not be healthy - it might be the case that the husband could do a lot more than he's doing, for example - but it's also the kind of thing you're probably not going to convince her out of.

This is unfortunate, but keep this in mind: Barring the possibility that someone is forcefully isolating her, your friend's life is exactly how she wants it to be.

As you've noted, she has the power to change that balance, if she wants to. Her kids are not impossible obstacles to having outside interests, if she wants to. It sounds likely that she's their primary caregiver and that her husband either doesn't pull his weight or she won't let him - but neither of that is on you, and it's 100% her problem to address with him.

Your friend like to use those excuses for why she doesn't do things, probably because they garner a lot of sympathy and attention and the ability to play the selfless martyr. More so than simply admitting that she's bad at managing her time, or that she's choosing to focus on her family and kids to the exclusion of friends and hobbies. THAT'S why your suggestions are being ignored. She doesn't want to do things your way because she likes being able to live her life exactly as she's living it AND complain about the bed she made and now has to lie in.

I'd quit bugging her about it. But I'd also go spend time with friends who choose to be available, or at least who don't complain about things that are within their power to change.

in addition to above anon, consider that she probably regrets ending up where she is but unlike some choices, a family - kids especially - are not something you can change. you can't just drop them or do something else, you're stuck with them. or, less pessimistically, she thinks your perfectly reasonable solutions are not very easy to carry out realistically so it's better to ignore or deny than to put in the effort to make it happen.

I've got a couple friends who pulled the same thing when they had kids. one doubled down and insisted there was no way she could ever regain her own life, and she pulled away and we never see her anymore. she had no regrets but she did have a very difficult family situation and decided it was too hard to make outside friends a thing when it was easier to just moan about her kids and her husband. the other was more realistic about it, and now that her kids are older she's drifting back to her friend group at her own pace. Either way, it's on them anon, not you. It's on them to decide if a friendship is worth putting in some effort and seeking balanced solutions, or if they're okay losing friends and sitting around bemoaning their fate instead.

I don't think anyone was suggesting that she just drop her kids. But parents aren't locked in to being parents and never doing anything else - it's about managing that balance and scheduling time for yourself. Which honestly, people should be doing regardless.

This. I have a bunch of friends who are parents, and while it's true that you aren't going to have much of a life outside the kids when they're still really little, once they get old enough that you can leave them with your husband/a relative/a babysitter for a little while, there's no reason that you can't still have a social life outside of them. Obviously the friends with kids don't come to every single get-together, but they do make a point to make it at least once a month because they want to be able to have fun and socialize too.

Yes, you should shut up about it. Unless you have reason to believe that she's being abused and isolated, this is something she needs to sort out for herself, and nagging her about how she manages her family affairs is only going to drive her further away.

I think you mean "Anon's friend should shut up about it", because it's not Anon who's bitching endlessly about a problem they refuse to solve.

No, I mean anon should shut up about it, since she's the one asking for advice on whether or not she should push her friend to change her family arrangements.

If you haven't already, you could suggest doing things together that can be done with the kids in tow (trip to the zoo, science museum, picnic...) or even just hanging out at her home so she doesn't have to get the kids ready to go anywhere. Maybe you can watch a DVD or do a potable craft or just sit and talk over coffee. Maybe offer to come over and help her with some household project. If that doesn't work, then I agree with people saying just let it go.

She sounds like she might feel responsible for being "the planner" of the family. If signing up for things is for her kids, she might be chauffeuring them around too, then (though if there's carpooling/public transit she could take more advantage of if they're old enough for that, then maybe that's a suggestion).

You could also be direct, once, instead of hinting. Along the lines of you're concerned that she's saying she's stressed out but not giving herself the time or space she needs to de-stress. And unless there are extraneous factors, based on what she's shared with you, it would mean re-balancing what the kids and husband do. Assuming you want to give support or advice if she ever asks you for some (then or in the future), let her know that, but until then she knows what you think.

Another thought is: would just inviting her to a short, low-key get-together be a possibility, sans kids? Like an hour for a coffee or walk or a drop-in class, or other activity she likes that limits conversational drift to family - and you handle base logistics so she's not Making Another Plan.

I'd stop with the advice, yeah. Your friend's reaction strongly suggests that she isn't asking for your advice, she just wants someone to vent to. You pointing out actual solutions makes it awkward for her, because she does not want to take them... she just wants to keep doing what she's doing, but complain about the results. Very frustrating for you, I know. But save your concern for someone else. Your friend doesn't really want help.

Yeah, sounds like she doesn't actually want advice, just wants to vent.

I don't blame you if you're tired of hearing her repeat the same complaints though there's no easy way to broach it. But it's really easy to get burned out in this situation.

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