fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4579 ]

Exactly. I could maybe view this as being tactless but meaning we'll, EXCEPT that he had the goddamn nerve to act like it's op's fault for being uncomfortable with the fact that her own husband just made a point of bringing up his hot co-worker, right out of the blue. That's not just being dumb, that's cruel and kind of gaslighting.

OP It’s an existing problem. Any time I have an issue in our relationship he reacts in the same way. At the beginning of our relationship he kissed his ex at a party and when I asked him about it he told me he didn't know why. Over time that became that he didn't remember. Then why was I bringing up old shit? And how dare I not trust him when he's trying so hard to be trustworthy.

It's so fecking complicated because he has tried. But it's also incredibly hard to move on when someone won't tell you why they did something and you can never get closure on it.

Frankly if I had been as savvy then as I am now I would have dumped his ass then and there. But I was young and naive.

SA ...and that turned into a rant. I think I'd better leave it there and try and talk to him again. Really appreciated everyone's input though.

That's a lot of red flags, OP. Like your current situation, the initial event that started it (I, e, kissing his ex) was bad enough. What's worse - sooooo much worse! - is that when he's confronted about it, not only is he NOT sorry, NOT in the least but concerned or remorseful about the hurt he's caused you, he actually TURNS IT AROUND AND BLAMES YOU FOR HIS SHITTY BEHAVIOR. That's a red flag the size of Texas.

The "why" part of kissing his ex isn't as alarming as his refusal to take responsibility for his own actions. I get why you want to know what was going through his head at the time. But honestly, the answer won't mitigate the error, and the simple answer is "because he wanted to". I don't think it'd give you closure the way you seem to hope for. It's not the mystery of the ex that's the issue, it's that your husband isn't particularly honest or open with you, and that he deflects uncomfortable questions by attacking you.

There's an applicable acronym that is common among people who deal with narcissistic people, it's called DARVO:

Defend
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/DARVO

That's precisely what your husband is doing.

That's a lot of red flags, OP. Like your current situation, the initial event that started it (I, e, kissing his ex) was bad enough. What's worse - sooooo much worse! - is that when he's confronted about it, not only is he NOT sorry, NOT in the least but concerned or remorseful about the hurt he's caused you, he actually TURNS IT AROUND AND BLAMES YOU FOR HIS SHITTY BEHAVIOR. That's a red flag the size of Texas.

The "why" part of kissing his ex isn't as alarming as his refusal to take responsibility for his own actions. I get why you want to know what was going through his head at the time. But honestly, the answer won't mitigate the error, and the simple answer is "because he wanted to". I don't think it'd give you closure the way you seem to hope for. It's not the mystery of the ex that's the issue, it's that your husband isn't particularly honest or open with you, and that he deflects uncomfortable questions by attacking you.

There's an applicable acronym that is common among people who deal with narcissistic people, it's called DARVO:

Defend
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/DARVO

That's precisely what your husband is doing. I'd bet good money that if you think hard, you'll come up with other examples of this in his history, too.

I'm ngl, this has occurred to me before. But at the same time he has been by my side through some pretty rough times in recent years, taking a lot on himself and never complaining. I can't sort it all out in my head at all.

Thanks for the link by the way. Will read it.

I understand,relationships are complicated. Just remember that nobody is 100% shit. That doesn't excuse their shitty behavior - and both the incidents you described are shitty. I'd call his gaslighting abusive, in fact.

[ SECRET POST #4579 ]

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