fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4746 ]

[ SECRET POST #4746 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4746 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Devil May Cry]

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05. [SPOILERS for Rise of the Skywalker]

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06. [SPOILERS for Rise of the Skywalker]

[Star Wars, Berserk]

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07. [WARNING for discussion of transphobia]

Notes:

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Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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My dad figured out today that I've blocked my sister on Facebook. And he and my mom gave me a hard time of it. Insisting that she was family and that when they were gone she was all that I'd have left. Sorry, but family doesn't mean you can just do anything and I'm going to keep up a relationship and keep trusting you. Trust is earned. Yes, she's family as in we're related. But she's proven untrustworthy. She's proven she's not my friend, so why should I have her as one on Facebook? Why should I share my life with her? Argh.

Honestly not surprising. To them family is first above everything. And my grandmother and great aunt stopped speaking years ago over stupid reasons, so I know my dad was affect by that. And my grandmother stopped speaking to him after he left the church she's a part of and didn't talk to him again until I was born. So he knows what it is like to not be talked to by family.

Although, frankly, if it were me I wouldn't have forgiven her that easily. And my mom forgave her brother who assaulted her when they were kids and doesn't treat him any differently than any of her other siblings. I fundamentally don't get that. But that's how they view family. Family is unbreakable to them, and you always forgive family, and forgive means you forgive and get over it.

That's not me. Like I said, to me trust is earned. And to me you can forgive someone and still not want a relationship with them. I don't trust easily, and to me relationships require trust. They just don't get that.

I think you have every right to not want your sister in your life or on your Facebook. People don't always have to forgive family or maintain relationships with them. I guess I have a skewed perspective as I come from a very small family and have no siblings, but still, no one should have to let someone treat them badly just because they're related.

That's my general feeling. I'll forgive for my own sake, but I'm not going to have a relationship with someone who thinks they did nothing wrong when they did and who completely destroyed the trust and relationship we had. But my parents just don't get it and think family always keeps relationship with family.

I view family the same way you do. What your sister did was very hurtful and cruel to you, and you have every right to block her on FB, take as long as you need to come to terms, and decide if you can/even need to forgive her at all. I can't imagine what you could do about your parents though...
Like, it's almost the same boat where both them and you have such drastically different ideals about family, and neither you nor them are able to fully understand where the other comes from. The difference is that where you live and let go, how not understanding why your father would forgive his mother, or your sister her brother, (I myself, wouldnt be able to understand it either, tbh) you accept that this is how they are, while they're trying to commandeer your ability to make decisions for yourself.
Here's hoping that things simmer down some in the near future, and you can get some normalcy back into your life again!

Yup, apparent self-preservation = personal attack, you're breaking up the family, you're being selfish

I wish we as a society would grow up and realize that DNA isn't everything, and doesn't entitle you to a relationship (note that I'm not referring to parental obligations). You still need to do the minimum, like, not screwing the other person over, and hopefully the relationship is mutually beneficial.

I maintain that it's perfectly consistent to forgive someone and then want to keep them at a distance, if not cut them out of your life entirely. Forgiveness doesn't mean no consequences. It's not right to put the burden on the forgiving (i.e. injured) party to fix the situation and pretend nothing happened and eliminate all tension. That's like saying "I hurt you and it's your job to fix it."

If they're at all Christian: "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

Ugh, I'm sorry. I was in the same position, except it's my brother in my case. He'd been emotionally abusive to me for YEARS, and after dozens of "second chances" that I gave him to "keep the family together" for my parents' sake, I finally said enough is enough and just stopped talking to him. I don't use Facebook but I absolutely would've blocked him if I had. I haven't seen or talked to him in a few years now and my life is so much better.

The whole thing about when your parents die...I had a similar conversation with mine when they were still trying to get me to keep the peace with him and I told them that when they died I was done with him and never seeing or speaking to him again and I said "it's really sad that I'm not going to be able to be happy until you're dead" because I was miserable with him in my life. I think that was what finally made a difference for my parents and they stopped trying to force me to keep him in my life.

My dad has a similar mindset to your parents, with the "family's everything" and you always should keep them in your life no matter what, and I think he's still kind of pissed at me over me not talking to my brother, but I've made it clear to him that I'm an adult and it's my choice who I have in my life/have a relationship with, and I refuse to have a relationship with someone who's treated me the way my brother has, and even though he disagrees he doesn't mention it anymore so I try not to take it too personally, or let it affect my relationship with HIM.

My mom has gotten a lot better since I've stopped talking to my brother. There were some passive-aggressive comments to me at first, but it's been a few years now (I can't remember exactly how many, I want to say three or four, maybe) and now she'll acknowledge the way he treated me and agrees that I don't deserve that. She also acknowledges now that my brother hasn't always treated her the greatest, either (he was never as horrible to her as he was to me, but my dad is clearly the only one in the family that he likes and actually seems to respect...I don't know if it's a sexism thing or what, but it's not how he was raised; he was a good kid, and I still blame the "bad crowd" he hung out with as a teenager for the type of person he turned into).

I'm not sure what else to say, but I know how difficult that situation can be. I hope your parents can eventually see your point of view.

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