fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4898 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4898 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[cats]

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[far cry 5]

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[kimetsu no yaiba (demon slayer)]

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[she-ra]

Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

how do you tell someone nicely that they really need to make some other friends? i have a friend that i like and enjoy talking to, but i'm getting the feeling that i'm pretty much her only friend because she seems to want me to be around 24/7 to talk to and it's starting to get exhausting. sometimes i want to do things with my other friends! she isn't my only friend and i can't keep constantly channeling all of my attention to her. i've tried suggesting other stuff she might enjoy so she can find new fandoms and meet new people but she never seems to be interested in any of it and i'm really starting to get frustrated because she doesn't seem to want to lift a finger to do anything for herself.

i don't want to just cut her off because like i said, i do like her and i like talking to her about our shared fandom, i just don't want to be her one and only point of human contact.

So, make times to do stuff with your other friends. Is this online only or IRL?
Tell her ahead of time that 'oh, I won't be around this day', and then don't go on the platform or chat or whatever you go on with her.

Do stuff with your other friends, just ignore her chat or text or however it works.

Do that whenever you want to do other-friends stuff, and just be very matter-of-fact. 'Oh, I'll see you Wednesday, got stuff going on tomorrow, have a good Tuesday!'.

Good luck!

online-only. i've tried to do that but she gets really mopey, which is why i feel like she doesn't have any other friends. i've tried inviting her to do group things with my other friends but she never seems to want to do that either, so i'm really not sure what else to do.

The only thing you can do is ignore her mopey behavior and just do your stuff.

Once you've set those boundaries, it will be easier. Sounds like she's kind of guilting you, which sucks.

Your friend needs to grow up, and IMO you absolutely should not cater to her on this. (Frankly, it's kind of codependent if you do.)

Ignore her mopeyness. Don't acknowledge it. Continue to invite her to do group stuff. Continue to not be available to her all the time. Be clear, and stick to your guns.

Also, realize that you can just not feel like chatting or RPing or whatever you guys do together. "I just don't feel like it right now. Rain check?" Is a 100% acceptable reason to not do something with someone.

Let her be mopey, then. You know from personal experience that she has other options and she's choosing not to take them. She must learn to help herself, she cannot rely on you for everything.

Can you schedule time with her?

Like, hey, some things have come up as of late, and i want to make sure we can have our time together -- let's chat/video/whatever Wednesdays at 9. I feel like it highlights that you value her friendship, but also value your own time and freedom.

I'd not tell them what to do, it never works. Just do what you want to do, as others say. It's so easy to do online. Do them a favor and stop things before you grow to hate them. Maybe they are in love with you, maybe they're a stalker or something, you never know.

You don't have to cut her off completely, but find a level of socializing with her that you're okay with and do that. It's not mean to gradually cut down the amount of time you're available to her. Look at it this way - her reliance upon you isn't healthy for her, and it's allowing her to remain in this current state, i.e. with one friend who's at her beck and call all the time. If she's going to be lonely and unhappy without you... let her. Let her motivate herself to socialize more.

Look at it this way, by doing this, you're preventing yourself from being utterly burned out by someone who is super needy, and you're preserving what friendship you do have. If you make yourself available to her as often as she wants you, this friendship is going to have a much, much shorter lifespan.

how do you tell someone nicely that they really need to make some other friends?

The overwhelming response seems to be, "Don't tell her anything, just ignore her until she gets it." XD
I'm a big fan of addressing problems, so I don't agree. A case like this, chances are she's just going to see you pulling back suddenly without reason and be hurt, and then you'll both have lost a friend. And I doubt she'll then be in the mood to go and make new ones.

I think it was a really good idea to try and steer her towards making new friends. Kudos to you! Bummer it didn't work.

So imho, yes, do tell her. As for how:

• For me, the goal would be to keep it light and not turn it into A Thing. Because if it's A Thing, that means there's Something Wrong With Her, and then it'll just become so much more complicated. So try to be positive and casual, no big deal.

• In person is best for such things, or as close as you can get. Chat, I guess, in your case? Do not write a lengthy e-mail (or whatever the equivalent).

• Do not point out her flaws or problems ("you need more friends"). That's insulting and will just make defensive.

• Do not tell her she's a burden or exhausting. Do not make this about you! I mean, it is, kinda, but just in part. You do like her and want her to make friends because you think it'll make her happy, right? So don't frame it as, "you need to change because you're making my life harder" but as "I think your life would be better if you did this".

• Maybe, at the end of your conversation, remind her that you like her and value your friendship and that you do not want to overstep (and/or insult, but only use that word if you think she did feel insulted at some point). Again, subtly; a phrase like "I value your friendship" is an A Thing thing.

• I think I'd go with the, "We get along so well and talk so much, you're nice and have cool takes on our fandom. You should have tons of friends!" angle. She'll probably tell you what the hold-up is (if not, prod a bit), and then you can coach her through it.

• If she's shy or too passive to go for it, give her specific people to talk to. Better yet, make her name her own candidates. Ask her about other people that she exchanged a few words with, or even people she'd like to be friends with. Ideally, do this earlier in the conversation (or even an earlier conversation all together), so she does't know where this is going and doesn't filter her replies. Then encourage her to talk to these people specifically, maybe make it some kind of joke-y challenge. "You really should talk to them! It's a challenge! You have one week!"

• If she says she doesn't need more friends, you're enough, I'd say something like, "That wouldn't work for me. I need that sense of a fandom community, that's why I try to keep a bunch of friends. Are you sure you're okay with only me? I have only so much time for you." And then you can start pulling back, as other anons have said. This should make it clear that she is one friend of many, and that you don't want to give her preferential treatment. It also gives her a very clear way out of her situation: make more friends. You've also showed your support and that you're willing to help. Keep inviting her, and maybe she'll be more inclined to come along now.

• If at some point it does turn into A Thing, mention that you were unsure about bringing this up but finally decided to do it – in a subtle way. Tell her that you are worried about her because you get the impression that, while she is one of several friends to you, you're her only friend; that you don't have as much to time to devote to her as she is devoting to you, and that you feel bad for her; and that you want her to have other friends, so she doesn't feel alone. And again, start pulling back after that. Make it clear that you spend time with other friends, and that you're not "cutting her off", but just don't want to give her preferential treatment. Keep inviting her to things.

I hope this helps. Good luck! And I'd love an update at some point.

[ SECRET POST #4898 ]

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