fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #4981 ]

[ SECRET POST #4981 ]

⌈ Secret Post #4981 ⌋

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there's nothing wrong with not getting married but like

you usually don't just marry some rando you don't trust

like you talk as if debt and divorce are a forgone conclusion

you do you I just find it kinda funny

nayrt but to be fair, a LOT of people don't really think about financial responsibility when they choose a life partner. Like. A shocking number of people don't consider this a major dealbreaker, and they should... and then they're surprised later to find out that their spouse has 50K in debt because they're shit with money. So I can see why it might seem like a serious pitfall to OP if they've witnessed something like that.

You're right that a lot of people don't but like. Idk how to explain it. The way the original comment was worded just made it sound like they were expecting a marriage to be thrust upon them...or they're just like, expecting the person to be hiding 50k in debt. Like I 100% get not wanting to share finances with someone or getting married it's more the tone of "These bad things COULD happen that means they WILL happen". Idk. I just thought it was kind of funny tbh.

To be fair, some people don't show their true selves for years, or they do things that can be reasoned away so that their partner has no reason to suspect there's a problem until well into the marriage.

And even with good marriages, things can happen (not saying they WILL but they COULD). It's why tax laws exist.

That seems to me to be less of an argument against marriage and more of one for making sure you really know your partner well before you get married, which... you should be doing anyway.

I trust plenty of people in my life and I still wouldn't want to share a bank account or a mortgage with them.

And the divorce rate is nearly 50% or something? So like, even if you think that it won't ever happen to you because it's true love or whatever, isn't it just better to be prepared?

God yeah. For example, I trust my father with my life, without a moment's hesitation. But I would never trust that doofus with money, oh my god, we'd have NO savings. All of my MY savings would be gone in a year.

ayrt

Omg. Same. My dad has a goddamn masters degree and he replies to Nigerian princes who email him about exciting business opportunities!

Otherwise normal people can just be so bad at basic life things.

~~sorry i touched a nerve i'm not telling you to get married lol~~

Sorry, I jumped the gun with this comment. I just mean ofc I don't advocate marrying just anybody. It's everyone's personal choice whether they want to get married or not. But I just think there's a difference between saying "we could possibly get divorced" and "divorce is INEVITABLE" and the latter just feels really bleak to me. Plus like I said above I just thought the OP was a little funny like, marriage isn't just something that happens to you overnight. I guess what I'm getting at is a lot of people make stupid decisions in getting married but that doesn't make marriage itself a stupid decision.

But like ultimately it's a personal preference and I don't care what people do just thought it was funny.

Edited 2020-08-26 05:18 (UTC)

NAYRT - You're reading into OP's comment with stuff they didn't say. Nowhere in their comment did they say anything was "INEVITABLE." They literally use the word "could" twice.

I think they're basically saying they're in a relatively good place while single, and they're not interested in spending a lot of time and effort on a gamble that could wreak havoc on their life if it doesn't pan out (and the odds of it not panning out are moderately high).

new anon to thread

"I think they're basically saying they're in a relatively good place while single, and they're not interested in spending a lot of time and effort on a gamble that could wreak havoc on their life if it doesn't pan out"

That's how I feel. I honestly can't think of any benefit to marriage that would be worth risking a potentially horrible outcome.

You're reading into OP's comment with stuff they didn't say.

Yeah kind of, I guess? I wasn't trying to quote them directly I was just explaining the mental image I got from their...tone isn't the right word but I'm not sure what the right word is. They didn't say the word "inevitable" but they're speaking as if it is inevitable, does that make sense?

I guess if someone said to me they were single and not looking for anything more I'd just leave it at that. Maybe I just know enough happily unmarried people that I don't see it as something that needs to be confessed or explained. Like, meh, marriage isn't a goal for you. I guess I'm just coming from a different place than OP.

I really wasn't trying to start anything and I didn't think anyone would even reply to my comment. Sorry again.

OP of confession here

I am a big romantic and I love the idea of marriage romantically, but having experienced financial hardship already and knowing how hard it is to recover from, I'm not willing to be someone's for richer or poorer person and let my life be dictated by their choices, good or bad.

That's kind of a useless statistic because there are different ways to calculate the divorce rate and they give wildly different answers. When the divorce rate did rise in the US, it peaked way back in the early 1980s (granted, this probably has a lot to do with the passage of no fault divorce laws, but it's also ~20 years after the US marriage rate peaked and age at first marriage was at it's lowest, and I say no way that's a coincidence) and has been going down ever since. The lower divorce rate now is no doubt partly due to marriage rates being lower and people who do marry waiting longer to do it, but if the point is to have healthy, stable marriages and not just pair everyone off then that's how things should be.

Yeah, I don't think it's any surprise at all that when people jump right into marriage when they're young and haven't really finished figuring out who they are/have lived their own lives for a while, they're more likely to get divorced. How can you know if you're a good match with someone when you still aren't entirely sure who YOU are and what you want out of life? I have one friend who married young and, unsurprisingly, she and her husband ended up getting divorced in their late 20s because it turned out that being compatible at age 20 doesn't mean you'll be compatible when you're 27 and a full-fledged adult.

Yeah, for real. I'm seriously wondering what kind of people the OP knows because, uh, that's... not what the vast majority of marriages are like.

Maybe you just happen to know people with good marriages, but they're definitely not "the vast majority", there are plenty of awful ones.

People in awful marriages are still a small minority, though. I know plenty of people who got divorced and even then their marriages weren't awful, they just had some fundamental incompatibilities that they couldn't work out and decided that splitting up was for the best.

IME most of the people who end up in truly awful marriages either a) rushed into it, b) got married too young, or c) were willfully in denial about what their partner was really like. But even the ones who do A or B more often than not just end up growing apart without huge drama. It's C that tends to lead to disaster.

Thanks for getting what I was saying.

Just the fact that they think that marriage is something that's likely going to end terribly tells me that they've been around some pretty toxic people and don't even realize how much it's warped their thinking. Do some marriages end in horrible, ugly drama? Sure. Is that a common thing? No.

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