fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5367 ]

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So my day started out okay, what with the California recall vote failing. But I was walking on my lunch break and there was a homeless guy turning blue on the sidewalk, with his buddies freaking out.

Someone was already calling 911 and someone was doing chest compressions, but I called work to ask if we had narcan (no) but forgot we have an AED. I was three blocks away. Once the fire department got there, I went to buy lunch because I would just be in the way.

On my way back a couple minutes later, they were covering the guy with a sheet. I don't think he was one of our regulars, but I still wish I'd thought to ask about the AED.

And then I got back to work and everyone was being evacuated because the fire alarm was going off. I didn't eat much of my lunch.

My mom would've been 71 today. Idk, today just kind of sucked.

I am sorry. That's rough, for everyone involved.

Also, not related except for where it is, what would have been my father's 67th birthday is coming up soon. It's still very strange and sad to think of how he should be here even though he hasn't been for such a long time.

AYRT--sorry about your dad. Missing parents can be hard. I tell myself at least my mom didn't have to live through much of Trump's presidency.

I'm just feeling so miserable. On top of the sinus infection, my hormones started this morning. Everything hurts now. I really wish I could stay home. But tomorrow and Friday are busy days at work, and I have to be there.

Can't login into ff14 so I tried to contact support, and while NA has a chat that responds in 5 minutes, EU has no such thing. Also I hated the site's layout. Anyway, I'm waiting for reply. I was in the middle of mb war om several items so the timing is unfortunate.
It's possible that I have ff14 addiction as I cooked an elaborate meal and did a few chores that I wouldn't have done if ff14 worked for me.

I didn't understand any of this, but congrats on the cooking and chores and better luck next time!

Thanks!
ff14 is an MMO game.

you're obviously going to buy this then? https://store.na.square-enix-games.com/en_US/product/679036/the-ultimate-final-fantasy-xiv-cookbook-book

ooh, looks awesome!

CW: Child abuse, sibling abuse, mentions of SA and PTSD, sorry for the rant

Fuck my sister for thinking that I was being unreasonable for being mad at her. She asked me to help watch her kids over the weekend because she didn't do any of her schoolwork for 2 classes and everything (quizzes, essays, tests) was due Monday morning. She spent her weekend procrastinating and not getting her homework done until late at night. She spent Sunday going out to town for 7 hours with her mother in law and a friend who lives nearby. And walks around telling me that she "didn't want to go". Sure, whenever I go out with my friends, even if my mom is there, I'm going to bitch and moan that I'm not having a good time. Fuck off. She wanted a break from her kids.
And she has the audacity to be like "I asked you days ahead if you're OK with watching the babies" and I replied "You said you wanted help watching the babies so that you can do homework but you spent most of the weekend procrastinating". When she got most of her homework done her babies were sleeping in bed. So she just wanted baby sitting services during the day so she could fuck around. She worked really hard at trying to spin it into me not saying no to her when she asks me to babysit her kids.

Like, fuck my sister so hard. She's going to complain endlessly to me that our mom was a terrible mother who never wanted to take care of her kids and relied on others to raise her kids. OK I didn't fucking get married or have kids because I spent my entire life raising my siblings and parents and here my sister is choosing to have kids of her own with a husband she picked (unlike our mom) yet she's mad at me for telling her that I wish she'd stop asking me to watch her kids at the last second and the "15 minute errand" turns into 4 hours I have no fucking clue where you are and you text me how the babies are and say you'll be home in 15 and return 2 hours later with a Starbucks in your hand. Fuck off.
WATCH YOUR FUCKING KIDS
They're not my kids but given that I grew up in an extremely neglectful and abusive household with an older sister who projected her resentment onto me, I can't just refuse to properly watch her kids just because my sister is a selfish bitch and she's pissing me off for taking advantage of my free time. It's not my fault she married into a family where her mother-in-law doesn't like watching her kids. It's not my fault her teen daughters don't like watching their siblings.
But what I can do is tell her to stop fucking asking me to watch her kids on the weekends. My time is my time. If I want to spend my entire weekend writing smutty fanfic porn instead of watching her kids, I can do that. I'M THE ONE WHO CHOSE NOT TO HAVE KIDS SO I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT WITH MY FREE TIME.

JFC The most selfish people are always the ones who choose to have kids they resent. And then they blame the rest of us for their misery. I didn't ask to be born. And I didn't ask to be free childcare services to my sister either.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister's kids and I don't mind helping out, but she fucking takes advantage of my kindness and inability to say no to her. Because growing up, whenever they'd ask for a favor both she and my parents would always follow up my no with a "why?" and if the excuse wasn't good enough according to them I can't refuse anyway. It was always a trick question, and so I've been conditioned to say yes. My sister really wants to act like she bears no responsibility in that. So today I told her exactly that, I can't say no to her because it wasn't just my parents who would burden me with the responsibility to never say no but my sister did too. I can't just undo it all just because I'm an adult now.
It's doubly irritating when she asks under the guise of "homework" when in reality she just wanted to fuck around during the day. Because really, what the fuck? When she did her homework it was at night and her kids didn't need to be watched anymore because they were sleeping.
If I want to fuck around with my time, I should be allowed that!!! Because my sister's kids aren't my responsibility. URRRGGGHHH the more I think about this the angrier I get. I've spent so long not wanting to see my sister as someone so utterly selfish and she really does NOT give a shit about me. The only real value she gets from me is that she can use me to do things for her and fuck her. This is why the rest of our siblings don't talk to her.

And she's going to tell me that she was mad at the entire family that no one told her about our youngest brother's cancer diagnosis and that he was in the ICU? How about you're the fucking eldest sibling and by the time I was 12 I realized my sister is the enemy. Don't ask her for help because she won't help you. She'll just belittle you. Don't tell her anything about yourself because she'll tell everyone and make jokes out of it. Don't get in her way because she doesn't like you and will either hurt you or make you her slave.

When she got married she hardly ever came around. Never called or emailed or texted any of us. And again, we were all afraid of her. We were glad she got married and left. The only time she contacted us was when she wanted something from us. Babysitting services. Transportation. Help with cooking/decorations for a party (the only time we'd get invitations). And she knows all this.

And she's going to wonder why none of us told her about our brother being sick? Oh, so we're supposed to be the ones with good etiquette but not her? Honestly, the thought that she would even care to know didn't even cross my mind. Perhaps at the back of my head I assumed she'd hear the news from someone. My parents or an aunt or cousin. IDK how she gets her news.

If she's insulted that we don't consider her part of the family that's because we followed her lead. She always made it clear that she didn't want to be in our black sheep family. The only reason why she still has a relationship with us is because she came crawling back, as if she's doing us a favor by speaking to us, when she had no money or roof over her and her family's head. The only reason why she even has any relationship with any of us is because I for some reason keep giving vindictive people in my life chances. My sister really thinks she is the one with the moral high ground. IDK if I do, but I certainly know for damn sure she's not fucking better than me. All 5 of her younger siblings don't want to have a relationship with her. I'm trying to organize a way to move out and eventually (physically and socially) distance myself from her.

OK yeah, certain that I hate my sister and I've been way too fucking reasonable with her. Just remembering when we were kids. She was probably around 12...which would make me around 9. She told me to kiss and lick her feet because if I didn't she'd beat me. When I did it she had me sit in our bedroom and listen to her call her best friend at the time (who was a cousin of ours) and tell her that I actually did what she said and that I was an idiot.
My sister claims that our mom would beat her and insult her (which all the stuff my sister said, I was like "Oh, is that why you'd say those terrible things to me?") but the master/slave stuff I don't think my mom did that. My sister and mom fought all the time. My sister would get whatever she wanted but she'd argue with my mom the entire time. And I would try not to get in the way. They both beat me (separately) and insulted me (sometimes together, sometimes separately). They would also focus on my looks since I was the fat ugly sister and my sister was the prom queen sister. So beating me into obedience IDK...maybe it was our cousin? That cousin was pretty mean to her sister's kids (who were around my age) and I felt my sister's mean streak worsened when she became best friends with this cousin. So IDK...maybe my sister is altering the story to deflect blame and place it all on our mom. Because if she blames it on our cousin, like...I think even my sister would know that the responsibility lied in her. But IDFK. We were both abused by our parents. But it was my sister who beat me the most, made me a social pariah with my cousins, made me mistrust people because even the smallest thing she'd dress it up as a big deal and I was so terribly shy and socially awkward (and after 3-4yo, I was living with undiagnosed PTSD from SA*). I can't forgive her just because she's telling me our mom was terrible to her. Yeah, I was there. She was terrible to me too. IDK How can someone who abused me expect me to feel sorry for her? The only way she can feel bad for me is if it somehow relates to her pain and if she took hand in it she always pushes the blame onto our mom. "I'm sorry I did that, but that's because mom did that to me." Why does the apology have to come with a "But". because the "but" makes me feel like you're not really sorry. But you do want me to say I forgive you or that it's not your fault because yeah, mom. IDK...am I being selfish or unreasonable?
*my entire family (so including our extended family and community) knew that I'd been attacked by a white boy but everyone brushed it off as a bullying and we moved away so I never saw the boy after that so we never talked about it again; TBQH I don't know if many ppl remember this incident? like IDK if my own parents remember this, much less my sister and I don't want to bring it up to anyone

This massive rant and you could have just said no.

STFU and let Nonny rant about their family. Sometimes blood relatives aren't really blood, and they make you feel like crap, and you just gotta let it out.

Get some empathy. Or just shut up, that works too.

This massive rant and you could just... not read it.

I have nothing to say except that I hope it gets better for you (and the kids most likely) and that I'm sending internet hugs.
May your OTP get all the amazing smut fics that you can enjoy in your free time!

A huge wall of text that boils down to "I need to see a therapist in my free time instead of writing porn and babysitting."

Seriously? How devoid of empathy can you get?

I'm sorry, OP. I hope it gets better.

I don't want to agree with the other dickhead, but you might benefit from seeing someone and talking it out because it sounds like your have unresolved stuff that is making it hard for you to get your boundaries respected.

OP here
Thanks! I'm just getting started on therapy, actually. Had a massive rant last night because my sister's been dumping her stuff on me and it's been hard to listen to her because I'm not unbiased when hearing her talk about her trauma. She knows she needs to go therapy but won't. Another thing where I need to work on my boundaries with her, I can't listen to her complaints about our childhood.

Thanks to everyone with the kind words. I wanted to dump a lot of pent up frustrations that I'd been mulling over my head for a couple days (yesterday an event happened that broke the camel's back), been putting them in piles to sort out with my therapist 😅 I've started therapy recently but it's still a work in progress.

PS. I did have a talk with my sister yesterday and I did my best not to project my frustrations into the wrong places and focused on telling her I struggle to say no and I'm sorry that I can't be direct but my weekends are off limits. It stems from a fear of her belittling me and me feeling judged. Credit to my sister she was annoyed but said she'll stop asking me to babysit on the weekends.

A thoughtless reply that boils down to "I'm shit at empathy and have nothing productive to do with my time."

My boss wants to fire me because I've had trouble focusing on my work for a few weeks, nevermind that I've been addled with PTSD and depression on top on my disability for several months and he knows just why, and I don't have the spoons for a discrimination lawsuit.

I'm sorry, but your boss is an asshole. Is there such a thing as reasonable accommodation (where you have a modified work schedule and/or duties because of a physical or mental disability) where you are? I hope things get better for you.

There is, and I had some, but I figure they got tired of dealing with that and jumped at the first opportunity to get rid of the problem. I know I haven't been doing my best at work lately because I just can't at the moment but wow, that hurts.

[ SECRET POST #5367 ]

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