fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #5428 ]

[ SECRET POST #5428 ]

⌈ Secret Post #5428 ⌋

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I'm so terrible at advocating for myself. I'm bad at misjudging when I should and shouldn't do so or just go along with what makes others happy.

Anyway, I've had an injured hip for about 3 weeks now. No idea what is wrong, but the pain is constant at this point to the level I can barely sleep and keep waking up many times at night. I feel like a zombie. I'm limping. It is pretty obvious I'm in pain.

So I finally found a doctor here in Dallas that is nearby, takes my insurance (both the old work one that I'm on for another few weeks and the marketplace one), and is taking new patients. The first new patient appointment they had was for a week from today, so I took it.

The thing is, that's the week of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has always been big in my family. And sister and brother-in-law will be here. And because of my brother-in-law's immune system, if I am in contact with anyone else that week, even at a place that requires masks, they will have to wear masks in our house.

So my mother is insisting that I need to reschedule that appointment so they don't have to wear masks in our house, even though they could still eat out on the porch with us. The next one they have is another week and a half after the one I have.

I want to say no, I'm keeping this appointment, I'm in pain, if you want I can be elsewhere for Thanksgiving. But at the same time, that feels selfish. Anything I want for myself that differs from the family usually feels selfish to me. So I'm torn and I need someone else to tell me whether I'm being selfish and should just cancel the appointment, or if I should keep it.

I say you should say no. If your pain has been constant for almost a month, to the point that it's interfering with your sleep, waiting another week-and-a-half isn't healthy. (Yes, you could survive it, but life isn't a pain endurance contest. You should get it taken care of ASAP so you can start feeling better ASAP.) I know it can be hard and scary, especially saying no to family, but you can do it, OP.

Pain is the body's way of letting you know something is super wrong, so survival is not guaranteed. It is best not to take the chance.

keep the appointment. it's okay to say no if it's impacting your health in such a way that you are in constant pain and Thanksgiving is just a holiday

I'd keep the appointment and make alternate plans for Thanksgiving that include self-care. To be blunt, your family has a history of discounting your well-being and they've done a pretty good job of brainwashing you to make excuses for why their crappy behavior isn't that bad. This is a classic example. Your mother would rather let you suffer for an additional one and a half weeks in pain rather than letting your sister and brother in law "suffer" the inconvenience of a few hours wearing a mask. Wow. Just think about that and what it says about her fucked up priorities.

I get it... you're stuck with them right now, and it's probably easiest not to rock the boat since you're dependent upon them still. But I hope that even if you're forced to compromise your health and well being (again) that deep down, you know this isn't right and that your parents are not good people or good parents to you. Acknowledge it to yourself, even if you can't bring yourself to do it on here or to their faces.

What's the time between this appointment and the next available one? If it's more than a week I would say, "Sorry, I understand that this is creating a small inconvenience to you, but this pain is literally destroying my life right now and it's not something I can delay any longer."

Any decent parent or family member is not going to ask you to extend your pain (and potentially exacerbate an issue) just for a minor inconvenience.

Yeah, agreed. If you can get one the next week then I'd say yeah, go ahead and push it to the next week, but if it's more than that, go to the appointment.

Go to the appointment.

Instead of telling your mom, try to tell your brother-in-law himself first, or your sister if that's your point of contact, and be sure to add what you said here. You're very much in pain, and that you need to go to this appointment. And say you're willing to not come to dinner if that's going to cause a huge problem.

Next, weigh your options about going. Will going cause your mother to guilt you and snipe at you and glare at you? It's probably best not to go, even if your BIL said he'll be fine with it. Do you personally feel too anxious about how you would affect your BIL? Don't go.

If your mom is willing and it won't cause her to do what I already listed or something similar, maybe as her to fix a plate for you that you can pick up the next day.

it's fine to say no. it's fine to expect your family to make accommodations for your health just as your family is expected to make accommodations for your brother-in-law, it's fine to skip out on holidays even if they're "big" in your family for any reason. just because it's family doesn't mean you need to put them ahead of yourself.
it's one thanksgiving. i assume your family has had many great thanksgivings in the past, so if this one turns out less than perfect because of masks or because you can't attend, they can deal with it.

please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

You're in pain. IMO the only acceptable rescheduling should be in the case of an actual emergency. Thanksgiving is nice, but not an emergency.

It's not selfish to want to be in a place where you can actually function.

Definitely keep the appointment. You're in pain and it's unreasonable of your mother to expect you to be in pain even longer just for a dinner. Thanksgiving will come around next year again.

As a compromise, can you get a COVID test before the dinner? If it's negative your BIL might feel save enough to forego the masks anyway. But if that's not an option, I think it would do you good to take a breather on Thanksgiving and give yourself the evening off. From what you've posted in the past your family can stressful for you. It's okay to avoid the drama and just spend the evening relaxing and playing with your cat.

It is always okay to say no. Especially in this case. Your mother is prioritizing social convenience over your health, if there was ever a time to say no to them then this was it. There is no law that says that you have to celebrate thanksgiving on the same day as everyone else. You can always celebrate a couple of weeks late and still have the same food and party, I've done that with Christmas before. Christmas dinner, at the end of January, delayed because of family obligations. It was fun.

At the end of the day, your health has to come first.

I get that you're the kid who lives with them and that enables them with their "take phil for granted" shtick. But enough is enough. They always prioritize your sister and BiL over you, and this time it's impacting *your* health, which is just as important as your BiL's. This would be a great year to go to your doctor's appointment and spend Thanksgiving with a friend or treat yourself to a couple of days in a hotel with a pool.

Thanks. And if I had the money, I'd totally get away for a couple of days.

Not even kidding - if you put up a gofundme or a ko-fi or whatever, the internet would probably be willing to get you a Dallas-area hotel room for a couple of nights. Not the Gaylord, but possibly a Holiday Inn.

^ This. Even as a casual observer over the years, it's disturbing and sad how philstar's parents treat their own kid and this is just a prime example of it.

Say no, go to the appointment. It sounds like if you postponed, you might not be able to join your family at all to celebrate, because you'd be in too much pain.

And if you cancel and then the pain/problem gets worse just in time for Thanksgiving, you could end up needing a family member to drive you to the ER on Thanksgiving or something.

Sorry you're in pain, I hope you feel better soon.

There's an applicable saying... Don't swim oceans for people who wouldn't even jump a puddle for you.

If your mother would rather let you suffer in pain just to avoid inconveniencing your sister and BIL, then I'm sorry but she's showing you how low you rank in her estimation. It's very low. That's got to hurt like hell, but arming yourself with cold, hard truth should inform your decisions here on in - including what you do for Thanksgiving and who you spend it with.

I'll echo every one and tell you to go to the appointment. Try to find a safe space to enjoy on Thanksgiving if you can. You don't have to be with your mom and sister and BIL if you feel there will be hostility. You deserve to enjoy your holiday. <3 You should never have to sacrifice your health. If it ruffles feathers, that will be something your mom will have to reconcile with on her own. You are allowed you prioritize yourself, even at the expense of others. It can't always be easy for everyone else while you are literally in discomfort. I'm sorry you were put into a crappy situation. I hope you feel better and good luck with your appointment!

Three weeks for a hip injury when you don't know the cause is an awfully long time and I don't think you want to mess with it. Not when it's a major joint that can affect your mobility for the rest of your life.

I hate to even ask this, but... does your mother understand how much pain you've been in for weeks? Like, you haven't been downplaying this around your parents and pretending like it's no big deal just to spare them some worry, right? I'm kind of hoping you have, because she sounds like a real asshole even asking you to do this. I cannot even wrap my brain around asking their own daughter to endure that much pain for a week and a half just so my other daughter could avoid the horror!!!! of wearing a bit of fabric on their face for a couple hours. Like, OMG?? Wear... a MASK? On your FACE? Nooooooooooooooo!

You're not being selfish. Your mother is. And if your sister and BIL allow you to put off this appointment for their sake, they're selfish, too. Good luck. And please remember this next time your mother is in pain or ill and wants your sympathy.

You may want to ask your mother why the very mild inconvenience for you sister and BIL of wearing a mask is more important than your health the very real pain you're in. And idk, are your parents not going shopping for that important Thanksgiving party? Because they'll come in contact with at least five times the number of people you will during one doctor's visit.

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[ SECRET POST #5428 ]

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