[ SECRET POST #5736 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #5736 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 37 secrets from Secret Submission Post #821.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Non-fandom secrets

[(Anonymous)]

Lately, I have this…fantasy, I guess? Of raising a kid with my long-time best friend and her husband.

Personally, I would actually kind of like to have a kid. But I’m asexual, mid-thirties, have no career qualifications, and none of my family has money, so it just wouldn’t be responsible for me to have a kid.

The last I heard, my friend and her husband were not 100% decided but were leaning towards not having any kids, which I totally understand and respect. Hell, I’m selfishly a bit glad about it, since at least then I wouldn't be the only one without kids.

But.

I know my friend has been struggling (with depression) for a while now. She feels aimless and purposeless. Our mental health struggles aren’t the same, but they are somewhat similar, and they run deep for both of us. Except that I’ve been doing a bit better lately, while it seems like she’s been feeling worse.

So the part of my brain that likes to spin idle fantasies likes to imagine that, if the three of us had a kid together, it would help my friend feel more grounded, without her having to actually take on the brunt of the parental responsibilities. Meanwhile I could be the stay-at-home parent. And my friend’s husband could be the primary bread winner (which he’s already got on lock anyway).

Their current home is already big enough to house a third adult and a baby.

Her husband is a really great guy who I feel like I could easily love in a platonic way.

And I genuinely feel like I could actually do a decent job of being the primary stay-at-home caregiver.

Obviously in reality it would be extremely complicated and the odds of such an arrangement actually working out and not imploding are slim. And it’s not the kind of thing that I would ever actually bring up with them (unless they gave me a seriously good reason to think they would be receptive to that kind of thing, but it seems highly unlikely that they would).

It’s just an idle fantasy I’ve been having lately. A weird and kind of sad one, I guess--though at least it speaks to how highly I think of my friend and her chosen partner?

Re: Non-fandom secrets

[(Anonymous)]

It sounds like you care about them very much.

Re: Non-fandom secrets

[greghousesgf]

I think it's sweet how much you care about your friends. But depressed people really aren't in any shape to have and take care of babies, even if someone else is doing a lot the heavy lifting physically and emotionally.

Re: Non-fandom secrets

[(Anonymous)]

Hmm. I both agree and disagree with you. Basically, I think this is a sweeping generalization and reality is often not that simple. On the one hand, I definitely agree that if someone asserts that they aren't mentally or emotionally up to being a parent, their word on the matter should be believed and accepted. I would also agree that if someone is struggling with mental illness, becoming a parent is unlikely to improve their mental health, and proceeding with a pregnancy in the hopes that becoming a parent will improve one's mental health is distinctly inadvisable.

OTOH, depression is a life-long struggle for many people, and that doesn't necessarily mean they should abstain from having kids if its something they want to do. Many, many depressed people have kids. Some of them are good parents and some of them are bad parents, and some of the ones who are bad parents are bad parents for reasons other than depression. I disagree with the often-implied notion that one must be the ideal candidate for parenthood in order for it to be ethically above-board to have kids.

I also disagree with the idea that, if one does not feel they are mentally and emotionally up to the task of being a single parent, that means they aren't up to the task of being a co-parent. Or, as another example, that if one feels they aren't up to the task of being a co-parent, that means they also aren't up to the task of being a co-parent with a live-in nanny. In reality, each of those scenarios is distinctly different, and the challenges, difficulties, and stressors imposed by each of them are different. So if someone says they aren't up to being a parent in any capacity (or if they just don't want to be a parent in any capacity) then that is something that should absolutely be respected, plain and simple. But if someone says they aren't up to being a parent unless they can lighten the weight of the task by recruiting help, then that's also totally valid, and the fact that they are cognizant of their limitations is honestly a good thing.

Re: Non-fandom secrets

[(Anonymous)]

I think that is a sweet fantasy anon. However, as someone who has gone through periods of depression and who is currently holding their newborn in their arms, I can think of very few scenarios where this would work out well. I think you would also find that having a baby is likely to make you both more depressed, if you have one with the hope it will help your depression. Shit's hard.

It sounds like you would like a child and have identified that your friends could fill in the emotional and pragmatic partner support role.

I know you have said it is unlikely you'll have a kid yourself. I wish you luck finding something joyous and purposeful in your life, because it sounds like you have a lot of love to give.