[ SECRET POST #5799 ]

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⌈ Secret Post #5799 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 32 secrets from Secret Submission Post #830.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Family stuff vent.

[(Anonymous)]

I've been low level stressing all week because family's visiting for Thanksgiving and... I love my family, but it's a lot of work and hate cleaning house. My dad is also... quite exhausting at times. He's not a bad person and he doesn't mean to be, but he's got a lot of annoying habits combined with a total lack of self-awareness that usually ends up being too much after a while and I struggle not to snap at him.

He does this thing where he just asks SO MANY QUESTIONS. Just trivial ones, like why I do such-and-such thing this way, etc. and he says he's just curious, but that's not what bothers me. It's that before he asks the question, he's already got an answer in his head of what he thinks *I* should reply, and if my reply doesn't match with the pre-determined answer, he keeps asking me why why why I do it that way instead of THIS way, HIS way, the RIGHT WAY why why why. He's not mean about it, just befuddled as though he cannot wrap his head around the idea that someone might do something differently than he'd choose to do it. So 98% of his questions can usually be answered by some variation of "I do it this way because this way works best FOR ME". This doesn't satisfy him, of course, so he will explain HIS WAY for the third or fourth time and then ask me hey, don't I think HIS WAY is like... totally better?

If I get mad and tell him no, I'm not an idiot and I've already figured out the best way to do [something], he'll get hurt and say he's just trying to make conversation. Only this isn't a goddamn conversation, it's an annoying interrogation that he performs multiple times a day over random, dumb shit like why I put my shampoo and conditioner bottles on THIS shelf in the bath instead of THAT one, like he would, etc. etc. He refuses to accept that I have a legit reason for doing things may be and that it's just as simple as being easier/more convenient for me, so he'll keep nitpicking at me wanting to know what my REAL reason for using that shelf is, because nooooo it can't be easier that doesn't make sense because he'd use the OTHER shelf blah blah blah...

On top of that, he's an awful mansplainer. Like... so cringeworthy bad, and always has been. He'll come and hover while I make a dish that I've made dozens of times and he's never made before in his life and ask if I'm SURE that I'm doing it right because blah blah blah wouldn't it be better [this other way that doesn't work at all] blah blah? It doesn't matter if he knows nothing about a subject, he still wants to talk about it like he's an expert and you're a moron who asked him for advice. EXHAUSTING.

I know he means well. He just wants to help and feel useful, and he feels anxious about this as he's getting older. But my god sometimes I just want him to shut up and relax and stop questioning me about every single decision I make or trying to pick apart everything I do.

Re: Family stuff vent.

[(Anonymous)]

That sounds exhausting and a lot like my own dad. Can you redirect his attention? When my dad is over, my husband hangs with him a lot or I ask him to do little chores, even if it’s keeping my dog occupied or doing “man” tasks around the house. He hung the hanger rails in the laundry room for me after I asked so he’d get out of my hair while I cooked dinner. I’ll put a screwdriver in his hand and has free rein to go around fixing things, most of which are actually things I set I up for him. “The back door latch is catching, can you take a look?” Yeah it’s catching because as he was pulling into the driveway I was loosening the catch plate LOL It sounds manipulative and I guess it is but it makes his visits more pleasant and he feels useful, which is something he doesn’t get to feel a whole lot since my mother died and he knows he’ll be gone before long, too. He wants to be needed and giving me advice fills that role in his mind when I don’t have anything specific for him to do. I also ask about how to do things, most of those questions are genuine because I became a first time homeowner at the start of the pandemic and it’s been slow going identifying and addressing issues. I ask him about finance stuff, not that I care because we invest differently, but again it occupies him and makes him feel needed. I also ask more and more about his childhood and parts of his life that I don’t know much or anything about. “What was the time out with your friends? How old were you when you learned to swim? What book do remember best that you read in school?” It’s good mental exercise for him and helps our bond and gives me stuff to hang onto when he passes.

Re: Family stuff vent.

[meadowphoenix]

Anon is absolutely right that if you know some of this is about him feeling useful, counter-intuitively it may decrease if you give him something to do that makes him feel like you value his advice.

also, is there a conversation you would like to have with him? if he excuses himself with "I would just like to make conversation" you can then say, "oh good I would like to talk about X" and if he tries to drag it back to your choices, you can say "I thought we were talking about X?" and then say something more about X. It just removes one of his excuses.

If that doesn't work. I would also try responding, calmly and curiously, with the same questions. him: "why don't you do it this way?" you: "why would I do that?" him: "manslains" you: "but then it's not where I want it so why would I do that?". The conversation is already repetitive, you might as well make it so he has to explain himself, rather than you explaining yourself. he might prefer this, and you might feel less attacked. alternatively, he might get annoyed and do it to you less.