fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6854 ]

[ SECRET POST #6854 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6854 ⌋

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[D&D Dragonlance]

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https://www.boredpanda.com/does-marriage-benefit-women-discussion/?cexp_id=137117&cexp_var=2&_f=homepage_featured

The older I get, the more I think it's better to be single. It's not that I hate men, it's that I value my own peace and tranquil space a lot, and it's hard for me to share that space with anyone else no matter how much I like them. It's also difficult because frankly, I've had too many relationships with men who weren't bad partners, exactly... just not great, and not good enough to make me want to stay with them long term. Especially not in a co-habitation situation.

Every single relationship with a man I've ever had kind of went downhill in the personal responsibilities department where even if they seemed mature and competent when we first met, as soon as we got serious and started sharing an apartment they lapsed back into this child-like mentality where they began to slack off with the household chores and I ended up feeling like their mom, not their girlfriend. We'd have talks about it, they'd agree that oh yeah, it's not fair that we both work similar hours but somehow I'm the one who ends up doing most of the cleaning and cooking, and when it's their turn to do dinner, dinner is frozen pizza or takeout. Things would improve for a short time, then they'd backslide again and the next time we have a talk or a fight, they'd be all sulky and complain about how I was being too hard on them, etc. followed by some weaponized incompetence where a grown mad suddenly forgets how to do laundry or grocery shop, followed by a break-up. I'm just tired of parenting my boyfriend because he wants to enjoy his home life like his childhood, where mom cooks and cleans and takes care of everything for him.

What I would like? To have my own private space, with room enough for me and a guest if I wanted one. To live in a community with my friends nearby, someplace walkable and quiet and safe, with lots of trees and nature. We'd all be able to meet and hang out when we wanted to, but everyone has their own sanctuary to retreat to as needed.

Life goals. I've almost achieved what you want. It's so peaceful. Scary sometimes, but not as scary as being in a relationship with an abuser.

It;'s a good idea to keep reiterating this sort of thing to the young 'uns. They may listen, they may not, but at least they won't feel as alone.

How did you find it?

I can't speak for anyone but me. But I've come to realize that I don't actually want a long-term relationship. I don't want to have a romantic partner I live with. Some of that is the massive reduction in my sex drive post hysterectomy. But even before that, I think honestly sex was the only part of a relationship that I was actually interested in. And now I just don't need even that. And I'm saying this as a bi woman who could have a relationship with a woman too.

Edited 2025-10-12 07:49 (UTC)

I relate but also don't at the same time. I hate being single, and I don't feel satisfied by platonic relationships. Ever since my last break up I haven't had any close friends. I currently live with family for economic reasons, but my sister will move out when she marries her long term boyfriend. I can't live alone, it would destroy my mental health. But I also realized that I only want a relationship because I really just want a close friend. My more casual friends moved away, or have their own partners and families, and I'm just on the backburner. Dating is hard for me due to neurodivergence and PTSD, but at the same time it's "easier" in comparison to pursue people to date compared to just having a lifelong friend to hang out, share interests, and be vulnerable with during the good and bad times. I know some people have these friendships, but I haven't as an adult.

I feel like women hold relationships higher because society makes us. I get accused of being a "NLOG" when I share this, but I always felt so betrayed growing up when my female friends would ditch me for their boyfriend. But half of the time they seem unhappy with their boyfriend. My sister has been in a healthy relationship for nearly a decade but she sometimes gets exasperated with her boyfriend's immaturity (he's almost 30) and settles for it. But she would be worse off without him and would lose a long term support network if she broke up with him, just like how I am without my ex-partner. If marriage and romance wasn't considered more important than friendship, I doubt either of us would be in this position.

A part of me wonders that maybe I'd be happy if I had several close local friendships for emotional support, and when it comes to sex/intimacy I could just have hook ups or FWBs to satiate that aspect. IDK. But I don't know anyone who lives that way or where to find others open to this, especially my age (early 30s-early 40s).

You were accused of hating other girls (because that's what being an NLOG is really about) because... you wanted to stay friends with other girls? NLOG-accusers are the worst.

I don't take the term seriously anymore, tbh. I've been called a NLOG for not having kids and not relating to coworkers who do. They see these statements and automatically assume I'm implying something negative when I state "we are different" (this isn't wrong).

Under the best circumstances, a romantic relationship can be like being married to your best friend, but honestly... that seems rare, for the long term. I think it complicates things, for starters, to have both the benefits of a friendship AND a romance in the same person and complications usually lead to stuff breaking down more easily. Not to mention that if you're a straight woman, what you're dealing with is the added baggage that most men don't view women as friendship material, only romantic/sexual (with emphasis on sexual) partner material so the whole friendship aspect can be sorely lacking, and it won't be strong enough to hold if the sex part goes away.

I think one of the reasons why I feel more comfortable with not wanting a boyfriend/husband is because I do pretty well alone. I've always had a low sex drive, and honestly do not miss that part of a relationship at all. When I did and it was good, that was nice... but not worth the trouble of dating or navigating hook-ups, IMO. And I have friends who I wish were physically closer to me, but I feel supported by them. I have family as well. If I didn't have those things, then I agree that I'd probably feel more pressured to find a partner.

I'd advise any women (especially young women) to prepare themselves:

1) Take the steps to be financially independent - develop your career, save your money, keep at least one bank account separate and in your name only even if you get married. Keep your important documents like passport and birth certificate someplace safe, preferably where they can be easily accessed by you, but not by others.

2) Don't live together to save money or because you'd like to see them more often. Not until you've seen them demonstrate long term that they can support themselves financially with a steady job, keep their own living space clean and organized, and organize their own work and social schedule. LONG TERM. 1 year is the absolute minimum.

3) No matter how happy you are or how awesome the man is, never stop living your own life separate from him: pursue your hobbies, keep up with your friendship circle, don't ditch or ghost your female friends just because you're in love and want to be with him 24/7. You need to maintain your happiness and emotional connection with people who love and support you, outside of the relationship with your partner. There will be plenty of time for romance if things go well, and you don't want to date someone who's jealous and controlling of your time. Abusers want to isolate their victims so there's nowhere for the victims to escape.

4) Don't get pregnant. Pills can be tampered with, condoms can be tampered with. Double up on birth control and/or choose something with a lower failure rate that cannot be tampered with. Babies complicate even a healthy relationship, but in the U.S. where it's harder to get an abortion, they can tie you to an abusive loser in ways that will be difficult to extricate yourself from. Even if you want a child, having that child with a terrible man who's likely to be an awful father (because there are rarely men who are bad partners, but excellent dads) will make the journey harder on everyone, including the child.

5) The bar is low for men. Don't lower it for your partner. Expect him to pull his own weight around the house, to be as attentive and thoughtful and considerate as you're expected to be. Don't accept excuses for why he somehow can't manage to do basic household tasks - he can learn, there's Google and Youtube right there. Don't let your partner live like he's a 12 year old boy and you're his mommy, because even if you "don't mind" doing that for someone you love, the relationship imbalance will likely lead to resentment and contempt and that will kill your relationship deader than a dodo.

AYRT. Most of this advice doesn't apply to me, but this is good for those it does.

I've spent my entire life living with other people. Never dated but constantly witnessed couples struggle with each other. Growing up, I learned and experienced community safety and reliability from friend groups (experienced neglect and abuse from family). Due to a mix of my personal experiences, I've come to desire wanting to live alone and not wanting to date.

Pretty sure I'm aroace. I give time and energy into my friendships and I try to show up for my immediate family (parents, siblings and my nieces and nephew), but I'm understanding I need to really show up for myself.
I can't imagine being in a romantic relationship or a sort of situation where I have a person be my "other half"/my "one person".
For a long portion of my life, I thought I needed to find my "other half" to feel like a complete person.
With a family that never supported me or shaped me into being a self actualized person, I thought the only way to finding purpose/an identity was through finding a person who would see me and take on the world with me.
But at some point, I realized the only person who can fix me and me feel like a real person is me.

The people I've lived with have always made it clear that living with other people means you have to constantly have conversations about cleaning and chores. And the dumbest most petty arguments can come from that.
And I'm so fucking tired of being everyone's mom.
I'm a mom to my parents, my siblings, my siblings' kids, sometimes even to my own friends.
At some point, I understood that chances are that I'm likely to end up serving others if I choose to find a soulmate/"other half".

Whereas if I live alone, I can finally show up for myself. I need solitude. I need to nurture and repair the neglect that's been with me for a long time. Like, since I was a tiny little child, I needed to be nurtured and prioritized. And no one can give me that but me.

I'm approaching 40, and as I get older, I do wonder what my life will look like when I'm old and weak. But I still would rather try to achieve a life of living alone than find someone to be by my side for life, mostly as a security measure from fears of what life might look like when I'm old.

"I'm approaching 40, and as I get older, I do wonder what my life will look like when I'm old and weak. But I still would rather try to achieve a life of living alone than find someone to be by my side for life, mostly as a security measure from fears of what life might look like when I'm old."

I wonder the same thing, but I look at it this way. You don't see very many men taking care of their female partners who are in poor health, or who need someone to nurture and support them. It's not that no men at all do this, but it's rare. What I personally see is a lot of women who end up being nastily surprised when they have a health emergency and their partner either cannot or will not step up and be the caring partner: fathers who don't know how to parent their own children through school, mealtimes and bedtime when the wife isn't available to do it, boyfriends who sit around and play video games waiting for their sick girlfriend to feel better so she can clean up the messes he made while she was lying in bed with the flu, husbands who find it too difficult to handle their wife's cancer diagnosis so they leave her and get a girlfriend, etc. etc.

But at the same time, should a man get sick or need emotional/physical support, they expect their girlfriends/wives to deliver it selflessly and without a murmur of complaint, and they have a far better chance of getting that support and comfort. It's a hypocrisy that goes along with toxic double standards for gender roles.

I know that a male partner is no guarantee that there'll be someone to take care of me if I get sick, and when I get old. Even if a man loves you like you're the center of his universe, that doesn't mean he's capable of doing that or willing to do that when push comes to shove. That's something you won't know until you're both tested by unfortunate circumstance.

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[ SECRET POST #6854 ]

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