fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #6916 ]

⌈ Secret Post #6916 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance]

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[Hazbin Hotel / Helluva Boss / Vivienne Medrano]

08. [SPOILERS for Zootopia 2]

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09. [SPOILERS for Zootopia 2]

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10. [WARNING for discussion of transphobia, pedophilia]

[Monkey Dust]

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There have been threads about the holidays and family members who have passed away, but not one about estrangement, I think. Estrangement or being low/no contact with family at the holidays leaves a different kind of hole in your life. I had a tumultuous relationship with both my parents, though it improved after I was able to move out and they couldn't exert quite the same level of control over me like they did when I was younger.

But they never gave up completely and it can be a really draining battle keeping them at arm's length and over Thanksgiving the family togetherness got to be too much and things blew up. Chances are I won't be seeing them for Christmas, and honestly? I don't want to. I'm not sure if they plan to punish me by excluding me from the holiday gathering altogether, and while there are other relatives I would like to see, I think I'd prefer to just visit them separately and not see my parents at all. That sounds really relaxing to me, like finally... a stress-free holiday. I'll do what I like, with nobody scowling in the corner trying to make me feel guilty and miserable for not measuring up to the child they wanted me to be.

I know not everyone is the same re: their family estrangements, so this thread is for you to vent or commiserate with others if you need it this holiday season.

I hope you get to see your more civilised relatives. It's nice to have a few of those: cherish them! Mine have had the narrative controlled by my other relatives. So.

Christmas for me is tough. Almost all the family cut me off because they think a chronically ill person living alone should be looking after a nonagenarian parent, leaving them to enjoy themselves. So I'm out in the cold (not a new sensation for me.) Last year I got round it by going on a cruise to the sub-Antarctic. This year, no such luck, and after a brush with cancer that's doubly hard. I'll get through it, I guess.

Friends are great but they're doing family stuff at Christmas, rightly so. I wish I was well enough to still have cats.

Losing your relatives to other toxic relatives is pretty common from what I hear. I'm not entirely sure myself that I'll still be able to maintain a relationship with the family members who are decent. In my experience, an interruption in the family dynamic like this makes it awkward for everyone and people tend to ghost you rather than confront it or discuss it. It's disappointing.

I'm sorry you won't be going on a cruise or some other getaway, because that sounds like a really nice way to put some distance between oneself and difficult family. I hope you at least have some peace this holiday, and are able to see your friends afterwards.

I hope you manage to hang on to your decent rellies. Even one or two can make all the difference. If not, there's always the internet, and friends in unexpected places.

It's quite a wise insight, that families tend to form a circle to exclude the one who doesn't conform\comply. It makes me feel a little better about the process I'm undergoing right now.

Yep, being able to get right away, especially doing something awesome, and especially being looked after while doing it, does make a difference. I was lucky to be able to do it even once. And friends are around, and some of them have similar problems, and one of them has invited me to their in-laws' old place on the local lakes next month, so that will be nice. Might even see dolphins.

My very best wishes for a peaceful and restorative Christmas for yourself, anon!

I understand your situation all too well. I have been estranged for the better part of a decade. It was the right decision for me, but it definitely is painful sometimes, especially around holidays. I don't exactly miss my parents, I tried many times to mend our relationship before cutting ties and I am at peace with my choice to leave. But I feel grief for the lack of the people I wish they were, and grief for not having family support. Also, some family members have since passed away and that has been really weird and sad.

I support whatever decision you make in this nonny and good luck. Estrangement was right for me but I have no judgement of people who are able to reconcile or maintain a low-contact relationship. Hope your holidays are as stress free as possible.

Not the thread OP, but it's so hard to comprehend, sometimes, that family members are exactly who they want to be and have exactly the relationship they want with you (general you.) The fantasy of saying the right thing to make the "misunderstandings" go away, the sorrow of seeing other people with close and loving relationships (however illusory those might be) - they all hurt worse at this time of year. Sentimental media with emphasis on family relationships do not help at all.

I'm gonna get through it by putting my head down and powering on through. Hope you can manage something for yourself, too.

ayrt

Well said, I often wish there was an answer that doesn't exist. And yeah, all the sentimental happy media is so alien and makes me wish things were different. Good luck with powering through, definitely a tough time of year.

Thank you. I think I know what you mean. I miss the relationship I wish I had with my parents. It was never ideal, but there were times when we did get along and found some common ground. It just didn't last long, unfortunately. We're too different to get along well in close quarters and sooner or later, we're back to the usual routine where they express their disapproval as concern - concerned that I'm not dressing right, haven't chosen the right career, am pursuing hobbies that aren't productive/monetarily rewarding, etc. I can fix all that by just doing what they tell me to do.

That's why we can't be in each other's company for long. Low contact was working to a certain extent, but I think the loss of control and access is getting to them, especially because it's the holidays and they feel the need to keep up the illusion of happy family time. Which is ironic, because I'd love family support and togetherness, but not at the cost of being criticized in the death by a thousand cuts method.

ayrt

Omg, yeah. It's very frustrating for me when I get the impression that my parents want me back in their lives only to maintain their image, and so they can see themselves as perfect parents. And we could get along I guess, if I did everything exactly how they like it and never stuck up for my own values. I feel much freer and more peaceful after leaving.

There are situations where people are able to reach compromises or keep family at a distance while staying in contact, and situations where more distance is needed, it is definitely hard to navigate and figure out the best way forward for you. You can do this, both making it through the holidays and through the future of your family situation.

[ SECRET POST #6916 ]

Family estrangement and the holidays.

Re: Family estrangement and the holidays.

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Re: Family estrangement and the holidays.