[ SECRET POST #7081 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #7081 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.


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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 19 secrets from Secret Submission Post #1011.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

To be fair, we are getting the worst picture of the boyfriend because OP has let annoying things go for far too long and is now a volcano of simmering rage.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

I get that. But honestly, telling people "you can have this for lunch!" is just weird to me. I don't see how OP ignoring that behavior could've fanned the flames, it's a behavior that's odd to start with and shouldn't escalate regardless of OP ignoring their weirdness.

As for the needy texting, it's possible that I'm so old, I'm TOO old for this shit. I didn't grow up with cellphones, there wasn't this expectation of being on call 24/7 to whoever's got your number. For stuff that's obviously not urgent or time sensitive, you send it and wait, and you don't expect people to get back to you ASAP especially if they're working or sleeping. That's reasonable, and not OP's fault.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

It is needy texting, and the thing is, that he wasn't like this in the beginning! It started back two or three months ago and has kind of crept up. He's trying to look out for me and make sure that I take care of myself, but it annoys me because I've been an adult for awhile now, and I am taking care of myself. I don't need someone to tell me when/what to eat. He means well by it, so I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I am going to have to tell him, because it's making me want to pull my hair out. I think he's feeling insecure because he doesn't work, and is pretty isolated, but the clinging is actually making me more likely to break up with him, instead of feeling more connected.

I am going to ask him, tomorrow, to stop sending me text messages at night unless it is something really important. I'm going to ask that he send links through Discord, because I don't get those notifications at night.

Then after that, I'm going to wait a few days because I Don't want to hit him with too much at once, and then I'm going to ask him to maybe not try to supervise me about my eating habits as much. I'm going to have to think about how to word that one.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

DA

Okay, so your comments about his behavior are also raising some red flags for me. I dated a guy for a few months who behaved in a similar way. He was completely normal in the beginning, but over time, he started to ramp up the texts, monitoring, and control. It was almost like delayed lovebombing. I feel like lovebombing usually happens in the beginning of a relationship, or after a breakup/fight? But this guy slowly became more and more clingy until I felt totally smothered by him. And whenever I tried to express that I wasn't happy with something, no matter how gently I put it, he would overreact as though I had just told him I was breaking up with him on a whim. I ended up actually breaking up with him because I felt utterly smothered by him and his neediness and want to control every single thing I did, wore, and ate.

Of course I don't know this guy, and I don't know you, but some of this is a little concerning. Most adults don't need someone to tell them what they can eat on a daily basis.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

If he truly means well and just wants to help you, then he should welcome finding out that his actions are actually not helpful at all. It might hurt his feelings initially, but if you love someone, you wouldn't want to keep annoying and hurting them all the time by accident, right? You'd want to know the truth, so you could stop doing that annoying thing.

Meanwhile, encourage him to get a job or do something productive with his time, because his neediness cannot be cured by you becoming his Human Security Blanket 24 hours a day. That will poison your relationship so fast and if he fears losing you, then he should quit doing stuff that's bound to alienate you and any other potential romantic partner.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

This is very true. The texts about food would be too much for me but I would've told him to please stop that very early on. The overnight inane texts are crazy in my eyes; anyone who wakes me up in the night with a text of a random You Tube video link is going to get an immediate what the fuck is wrong with you reply, but I might be a little bit of an asshole. To me you shouldn't text someone stuff like that at night unless you know they have their phone totally silenced or if they're awake at night. But does the boyfriend know that he's waking her up? Does he know his texts still come through? Has she even told him that much or does he just think he's sending her something that she'll see in the morning and has no idea that she's getting woken up and pissed off?

OP, talk to him! It'll be ok!! And if it's not ok, if he tries to guilt trip you because you don't want him to wake you up with You Tube texts or get a written account of everything you eat in a day, then he's really unreasonable. And you probably don't want to be with him.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

I know you are right. And the night texts are a good first step. He does know that his texts come through at night. I told him when I added him to the allowed list. He knows I wake up sometimes because I write him back after he sends it.

Re: Recovered people-pleasers, how did you work on establishing boundaries with people you love?

[(Anonymous)]

The overnight texts are a very YMMV thing. My friends and I will text each other stupid shit at all hours because we all put our phones on silent while we're sleeping, and it's always fun to wake up to a link to a hilarious TikTok or a neat piece of fanart. If you don't want someone to do that, you need to let them know.