fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1293 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1293 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

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This. My mom is always going on about stuff I should not do if there's a man around in case he molests or rapes me (if you have a drink, watch it to make sure he doesn't stick drugs in! If you're on a bus, don't take the window seat in case some man sits next to you and gropes you and you can't escape! If you see a guy in a lift, wait for the next lift to come, don't go in alone with him! If there's a man walking behind you, slow down to let him pass in case he attacks you from behind!) etc.

It makes me paranoid to the extent I get suspicious of my male friends. I wish it didn't and that I could trust them because they seem like genuinely nice people, but then I hear about people who got raped by their friends or family members whom they thought they could trust, and that doesn't help.

I also don't know how heterosexual people react to the opposite sex, and it makes me uneasy that they might look at me and think of me in a sexual manner and want to do something about it. I got groped by a stranger once (though the paranoia preceded that) and it just reinforced the fears.

It really sounds like your mom has screwed you up. I really suggest going to a therapist, because a lot of your fears really are completely groundless.

As for what sexual (I'm gay, see) people think when they see someone who's attractive to them? "Wow, that person is really good looking, and kinda hot! Maybe I should try talking to them, see if they like me back." Of course there are people who are more violent, but they're not common by any means. You'll miss a lot in life if you spend all your time worried about what MIGHT happen. Stay somewhat safe, of course. Don't leave your drink laying around, don't walk down dark alleys at night, but as long as you keep your mind about you, then it's likely you'll be fine. You'll have a much better time going out and living instead of waiting for the next man-free elevator.

I want to, so much, but then there's that what-if: what if something does happen, and people go if you hadn't done this and this or taken that precaution then you wouldn't have been raped.

Because I see that happening all the time: people saying things like "if she was wearing that miniskirt she was obviously asking for it" or "if she was all alone with a man in a room what did she expect" and so on. And then I might end up wondering what I could have done differently, like taking a longer, safer path instead of some dodgy short-cut down an alley while walking with a male friend, and the guilt and regret would never end thinking that I could have avoided it if only I had listened to the people who told me to be careful.

Those people who say that she was asking for it are ignorant motherfuckers. Some women who wear miniskirts get raped. More don't. Some women who are alone in rooms with men get raped. More don't. There's nothing you can really do to prevent yourself from ever getting raped. Women in burkas who have never left their homes get raped.

People who aren't as scared as you still get scared some times. As a single young women with very little ability to defend herself, do I sometimes get scared walking alone in the city at night? Yes I do. But you need to understand that your fears have gone beyond the rational and have become debilitating.

I really hope you can some day get over your phobia OP. Relationships with men, all nonsexual in my case, can be some of the more fulfilling in life, and I hope that one day you'll have an opportunity to have a really, really, great guy somewhere in your life. ^_^

the "she was asking for it" people are misogynist scum. Don't listen to them.

There is nothing wrong with keeping yourself aware of your surroundings. Don't leave your drink where you can't see it at parties. Don't let dudes you barely know into your apartment after a date or whatever. Don't wear headphones if you're walking alone (this is helping protect you from mugging as much as rape and hopefully you'll never have anything come of this other than being bored on your way home).

But you can't let it take over your entire life. :\ Seriously, counseling will probably do wonders for you.

Well, what your mom said has obviously affected you in a very negative way. You really need to seek some counselling to get past this, seriously. You're missing out on so many wonderful friendships, OP.

I'm very definitely heterosexual, though, so maybe that's why all the WATCH YOUR DRINK stuff (my mom was raped when she was younger, I think that's why she was like that with me) did make me a bit sucky on the 'trust issues' thing, but I still have plenty of male friends and date guys.

The vast, VAST majority of heterosexual people don't just leap on people they're attracted to. It's preferable when it's a MUTUAL thing. If someone hits on you and you're not into it, do what most hetero girls do: say you have a boyfriend and walk away. There are some gropers here and there in the world, but they are not the norm.

Hell, I once got groped by a chikan in Japan, as soon as I cried out my 4 straight, Japanese male friends ran off after him, grabbed him, dragged him back and forced him to apologize. Not because one of them liked me, but because the groper was a jerk and I was their friend.

I really, really recommend therapy. You are missing out on so much of the world from this.

[ SECRET POST #1293 ]

OP

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oh god, your mom was kinda like mine.