fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1754 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1754 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

__________________________________________________

02.

__________________________________________________

03.

__________________________________________________

04.

__________________________________________________

05.

__________________________________________________

06.

__________________________________________________

07.

__________________________________________________

08.

__________________________________________________

09.

__________________________________________________

10.

__________________________________________________

11.

__________________________________________________

12.

__________________________________________________

13.

__________________________________________________

14.

__________________________________________________

15.

__________________________________________________

16.

__________________________________________________

17.

__________________________________________________

18.

__________________________________________________

19.

__________________________________________________

20.

__________________________________________________

21.

__________________________________________________

22.

__________________________________________________

23.

__________________________________________________

24.

__________________________________________________

25.

__________________________________________________

26.

__________________________________________________

27.

__________________________________________________

28.

__________________________________________________

29.

__________________________________________________

30.

__________________________________________________

31.

__________________________________________________

32.

__________________________________________________

33.

__________________________________________________

34.

__________________________________________________

35.

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 10 pages, 248 secrets from Secret Submission Post #251.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 2 - not!secrets ], [ 1 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 3 - too big ], [ 0 - hit/ship/spiration ], [ 0 - omgiknowthem ], [ 0 - take it to comments ], [ 1 - repeats ]
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've never felt like things such as Coming Out Day were intended to pressure people to come out? I've felt like it's kind of there to give you an excuse to do it if you want to, but need a little bit of an extra push. But I've never felt like it encourages people to feel bad about not coming out to anyone and everyone?

Plus, queer people aren't divided into "so deep in the closet they're in Narnia" and "everyone knows it, even random passersby." You can come out to your best friend but not your mom. You can come out to your online social circle, but not your real-life social circle. You're right that coming out should be a personal decision, but I think that not being out to anyone is a really enormous weight on your shoulders, and most queer people would be much better off if at least one other person knew. Not necessarily everyone, not the people who'd hurt them or fire them or kick them out of the house... but someone. And most queer people do have at least one trustworthy, understanding person in their lives. If someone doesn't, I totally understand not coming out, but I don't think that's the case most of the time.

And like it or not... while it IS an really personal, private decision, coming out also affects the community the closet-leaver is a part of. It is rare for someone to be the only queer anywhere, and if there's at least one queer who's out, it'll have a positive effect on the others. Studies have also shown that straight people with close connections to queer people are much more likely to support queer rights. Does this mean people shouldn't come out when it's not safe to? Hell no. But it's not only an individual issue.

AYRT

I've never felt like things such as Coming Out Day were intended to pressure people to come out? I've felt like it's kind of there to give you an excuse to do it if you want to, but need a little bit of an extra push. But I've never felt like it encourages people to feel bad about not coming out to anyone and everyone?

Yes, that is what it was intended as, and I even said so in my comment. Unfortunately, a lot of queer people (or at least the ones I've run into) tend to use it as an excuse to pressure others into coming out. That somehow you're betraying the movement if you don't. It's one of the many many many issues I have with the LGBT "community", but that's a rant for another day.

Unanonymously, I'm not out to anyone, and I don't see it as a burden at all. Because the subject itself almost never comes up where I am (and on the rare occasions it does, I would prefer to leave the room than hear the BS that comes after it). While I do have some trustworthy friends who would be understanding and accepting, I simply don't think my sexuality is any of their business. I don't think it's anyone else's business unless I'm dating them.

The ones I know think you're not betraying anybody if you don't, but you're helping them if you do. Kinda where I am. Queer people can be douchebags, just like everyone else, and I don't want to associate with douchebags. Telling people they NEED to come out isn't an LBGT thing, it just means that person sucks.

If I can ask, why don't you want to be out?

I just don't think it's an important enough aspect of myself that anyone really needs to know about unless they're in or considering a sexual relationship with me. If I'm asked directly, I'll be honest about it. But nobody has ever asked, because frankly, no one around here cares. And that's more than fine by me. I'm a private person by nature.

Er... that last bit was worded badly. I'm trying to understand your reasons, although I can't really relate (I experienced a lot of homophobia as a teenager from my family, and was punished whenever I did something that was perceived as a plot to make out with girls, even if what was actually going on was just me wanting to hang out with a platonic friend. So I spent my underage years wishing I could be out, and now that I can, it's really important to me to be open about my sexuality.)

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: It would be nice if people didn't assume the orientations of others before they've been told, but in reality "no indication of any preference" is seen as "total hetero." If you have friends that you know would get it, why would you rather they'd assume something untrue about you? I'm not making a moral judgment on this, and I'm sorry if it's coming off that way, I'd just like to understand better.

I experienced quite a bit of that, too, and it's another reason why I keep my mouth shut unless someone requests that information; I wish to avoid potential backlash over something that I don't think is anyone else's business in the first place. Even though I have friends whom I know would "get it" in the sense of hot hating me or ending our friendship over it, it's also something extremely personal that I just...don't think anyone really needs to know unless they're a potential romantic partner. I don't really feel the need to be open about my sexuality; if people want to assume I'm straight, I really don't care. I know how I identify, and that has always been enough.

That's cool, then. Coming out's still useful to a lot of people, but I'll need to remember from now on that it's not for everyone.

Best of luck.

Thanks. It's really more..apathy than anything. My sexuality is no more important to me than my choice of dipping sauce for french fries, and if there's one super-issue I have with the "queer community"* that kind of trickles down to all the others, it's their tendency to see me as nothing more than my sexuality. It's just as dehumanizing as the homophobia I've faced all my life is, just in the opposite way.

* I use the air quotes because in my experience, there is no "community"; it's a bunch of people too busy forming cliques and fighting over how special they are rather than pushing for any actual progress, and unless they cut out the petty squabbling, nothing is going to get done. Ever.

I think that's a nice way to look at it, and I wish I could feel that way about my sexuality. It's a big deal because people have made it a big deal, and because I've seen it a lot, I can't un-see it. You know? But I'd have liked to live in a time where most people would have treated it like a fry preference.

Also, I agree it's ridic that a ton of queer people seem to think any two queers are going to have more in common than a queer person and a straight person. I do think there's something of a common experience that can be something to bond over for certain people, but individuality is a thing too you guys~

I want fries now.

Exactly. Which is why having an entire day dedicated to being out has always made me pretty uncomfortable. Coming out should be kept as a personal choice rather than held up as a rite of passage that every queer must go through before we're taken seriously even by our fellows.

Didn't see this for a while, sorry.

Anyway~ I think it's possible to celebrate coming out, without holding it against the people who don't? Because even though queers are a diverse group, coming out IS helpful to us as a group? Like, if Alice and Bob are both queer, and they work together but aren't particularly close. If Bob comes out, then Alice knows she's not alone, and if Bob's coming out is well-received, then she knows that if she did come out, she wouldn't be discriminated against. And if it's not well received, then at least her decision on whether to come out or not is going to be an informed one.

You're right that there are some Alices that wouldn't particularly care. You're also right that Bob doesn't OWE it to Alice to put himself on the line. Doesn't change that for most Alices, it would be a really helpful thing.

Sorry if I'm all scatterbrained and whatnot, I guess it's mostly just like... if coming out really doesn't matter to you, what's wrong with people celebrating something that means something to them? As long as it's not being used to shame people who aren't out, and I don't think it has to be.

[ SECRET POST #1754 ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject