fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #1879 ]

⌈ Secret Post #1879 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.

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02.

[The Dain Curse by Dashiell Hammett]

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03.

[Matilda]

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04.

[Person of Interest]

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05.

[Boston Public]

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06.

[Rideback]

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07.

[The Office (UK)/Harry Potter]

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08.

[Inspector Lynley Mysteries]

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09.

[Prince of Cats]

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10. [personal attack]

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11.

[Misfits]

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12.

[Smash]

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13.

[Hetalia]

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14.

[Shadow of the Colossus]

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15.

[Dragon Age]

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16.

[Zack Snyder]

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17.

[Kill Bill]

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18.

[askandroidwheatley/Wheatley (Portal 2)]

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19. [repeat]

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20.

[TGWTG, Todd in the Shadows]

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21.

[Sailor Moon]

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22.

[Hyvät ja huonot uutiset]

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23.

[MLP: FiM]

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24.

[Once Upon a Time]

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25.

[Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]

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26.

[How I Met Your Mother]

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27.

[Castle]

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28.

[Amanda Palmer]

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29.

[Katawa Shoujo]

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30.

[Homestuck]

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31.

[Evangelion]

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[ ----- SPOILERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

32. [SPOILERS for Salt and TGWTDT]

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33. [SPOILERS for Katawa Shoujo]

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[ ----- TRIGGERY SECRETS AHEAD ----- ]

34. [TRIGGER WARNING for incest]

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35. [TRIGGER WARNING for incest]

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36. [TRIGGER WARNING for child abuse]

[DC comics/DCAU]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 00 pages, 000 secrets from Secret Submission Post #268.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Thanks, I really needed the wake-up call. The stress of trying to have a relationship I never expected or planned to have has been impacting my physical health, actually, so I owe you more than gratitude. My blood pressure's down and I haven't had heartburn yet today. :)

I was born in upstate New York in the tiny little town of Hastings, near Central Square. It was about an hour out from Syracuse, two hours from Niagara Falls, and an hour and a half from Buffalo. It was literally the asscrack of nowhere and the closest town was eleven miles out and you had to drive for ten minutes to find our closest neighbor. Then I move to Ballarat and DAMN that's a lot of people.

Ace-friendly spaces? I haven't met one person yet who knows what being asexual means. I've always been told I was more mature for my age, but I didn't realize I was projecting my own expectations on people as well, expecting them to instantly understand what I was trying to say, that I'd made my point so clear there would be no chance of a misunderstanding. There really is no way for them to "get it" if I have to explain it, it seems.

I probably give off confusing, conflicting signals. I write, watch, and read porn and slightly get off on it(as in I grind on my hand for twenty seconds, get tired and stop. Apparently having a tiny little libido tires me out). I am kinky as fuck in fiction and IRL(funnily enough all of them have me taking a dominant role with no direct stimulation to myself, imagine that...), and make sexual jokes constantly since I call them as I see them(I never let the opportunity for a good penis joke pass me by). I can't but help feel like I am leading them on somehow, maybe making them assume I am much more sexual than I actually am. It doesn't help that apparently I'm a people-magnet. People will meet me and want to date me within a day, saying stuff like "you're so open and understanding and honest" and I'm panicking, saying "nonono, I'm like that because I hate artifice and bullshit; I'm not coming on to you!"

Looking back up at what I've written, I feel horrible. God, I sound like such a pretentious, unappreciative, smug bitch, don't I? "WAH, I'm upset because I attract attention! WAAAAAH! WAAAAAH, I get people wanting to date me and it's soooo horrible! WAAAAH!" No wonder my sister hates when I complain about someone I wanted to be friends with showing romantic interest in me.

TEAL DEEEEEEEEEEER T_T

No, no, I understand completely.

Firstly, it's actually completely normal for asexuals to masturbate. (Not saying you have to identify as asexual, just talking about people who already do ID as asexual.) I haven't done any kind of formal study on it, but just by like, listening and collecting anecdata, it seems that about the same percentage of asexuals and *sexuals masturbate. Yes, that's right, some people who love partnered sex don't like to masturbate! It seems to be a completely different thing from whether you want partnered sex. Children masturbate, even fetuses masturbate, because it feels good, and wanting to feel good is completely different from having an orientation that makes you attracted to other people.

And a surprising number of asexuals like porn, even some of the repulsed asexuals I know who could never imagine allowing someone to have sex with them. Porn allows them to deal with sex as an idea, not an experience, and that's often ground where asexuals are a lot more comfortable. In some cases, it might also allow them to vicariously get into the experience of a character completely desiring another character, something they'd never be able to feel in real life. Or (*cough* this is me a lot) it allows them to explore the ideas of things that actually would not be good if they happened in real life, and might be somewhat extreme in nature, but are titillating when kept purely in the realm of fantasy. Many asexuals have rich and vivid sex lives in their heads. What makes them asexual is that they are unable or unwilling to share that world with anyone. (And some asexuals are completely vanilla, but then, so are some *sexuals.) Having a sexuality that's only for yourself doesn't make you a tease or secretly repressed or anything. That's just the shape of your sexuality.

And god, I make so many dirty jokes. Why? Because they're funny. I also have less of a sense of sexual taboos. I guess when you have no intention of doing any of it anyway, there's less reason to remember to be repulsed by certain things. Oh, and I even like to flirt! Flirting's the best, it's a saucy sort of word game. But when I flirt, I flirt just to flirt, not to signal that I'd like something more. I like flirting with "safe" people (such as a co-worker in a relationship who has no intention of actually cheating, but also likes the game of flirting) and hopefully people who get my actual meaning and won't misread it. Flirting can make people feel good, too, liked, wanted. It doesn't have to go any further. I guess flirting is like sex when it's still in the realm of ideas and possibilities and not yet experiences.

You shouldn't have to be any less you just to communicate that you're not interested in having sex with people. Like, people might have this idea of asexuals as someone completely nonsexed and virginal, and might have a bit of trouble wrapping their heads around me, but they'd better learn fast.

This actually came up in Doctor Who fandom, because some fans said Ten wasn't asexual because he went along with some kisses (which he did not initiate--unless it was to save a life or something--and never followed up on) and was a bit flirty, and basically didn't say no all that loudly when people came on to him, even though he didn't really say yes either. I disagreed, strongly. I read him as completely asexual, just, you know, not repulsed by all things sex. His representation is actually the closest to my own orientation I've ever seen.

Sometimes, with some people (especially people who are not, like, bosom buddies, and never will be) I find it helps to focus on "I am not interested in YOU" rather than "I am not interested in anyone." You'd think it'd be more hurtful, and it's tempting to be like, "No really, it's not you, it's me," but it's something people have an easier time accepting. "I am not interested in anyone" sounds like an invitation to figure you out and get the prize to some people, unfortunately. "I am not interested in you" is still honest, they're just in very good company. A lot of people think a softer rejection is easier, but it just draws it out. The quicker you can kill it, the better. And it's probably true that even if you were into partnered sex, it wouldn't be them anyway. Someone cool enough to get in your pants would also probably be cool enough to get it.

And having a lot of people interested in you isn't a whiny sort of problem, it's a legitimately difficult thing to deal with if you aren't interested in them the same way. Lots of people may wish they had no suitors, but no one wants more suitors that they personally are not interested in.

As for ace-friendly spaces, most of what I know of is online/at home, though I keep to myself a lot. There's AVEN, there's

asexuality, heck, there's even just most of fandom. As I've become an adult, my fandom relationships have passed from just kids talking to each other from other sides of the world but not able to do much about it, to like, you know what, let's be BFFs for life. We're the adults now, and we get to decide what that means, as xkcd put it. Because most of my friends are people I met through fandom, they get fandom things and they get asexuality, and quite a few of them are ace themselves. So we sort of make our own spaces. And I know I'm not alone in this. I know other people in fandom who have advanced to moving in together. Fandom friendships can be amazing.

You might have some luck on queer-friendly spaces though, it depends. Some are a lot more open than others. Whether asexuality counts as queerness is sort of an ongoing debate.

And hah, you thought YOURS was teal deer.

[ SECRET POST #1879 ]

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