Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-04-10 06:36 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-04-10 06:36 pm
[ SECRET POST #1925 ]
⌈ Secret Post #1925 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #275.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 1 - repeat (same text, different image) ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
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My exact diagnosis is 'Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features'. From what I understand/have been told by my Psychiatrist, it is notoriously hard to diagnose, because most, not all, but most patients retain insight, which means they're aware that their hallucinations and delusional type thoughts aren't real. You can have pseudo-hallucinations with depression and anxiety especially, sometimes. Pseudo-hallucinations would be things like seeing shadows or shapes out the corner of your eyes, thinking you've heard your name being called, that sort of thing. I get pseudo-hallucinations as well, and they are very different to actual hallucinations. When I'm having a proper visual hallucination, most of the time it looks as real as how anyone else would perceive something, like I've had hallucinations of cats, and actually reached out to pet them, just before I realised they weren't real. The hallucinations themselves (auditory and visual) I can tune out to a degree, so they're kind of annoying and scary at times, but unless they're particularly bad they don't really interfere too much with me being able to do stuff like writing (just sometimes it's a bit hard to focus or concentrate when you're hearing a very loud orchestra coming from your fridge). What does really stop me from functioning is more the actual depressive symptoms, and also I get something called expressive dysphasia, which means I lose the ability to process language properly. Like I'll know what I want to say or write, but it gets blocked somewhere along the way, and my speech becomes very disjointed, or I'll say something, or write something, and then realise it's basically just random gibberish that makes absolutely no sense (word salad).
I did try and seek help again about 6 or so years ago, when I went through a really bad episode, and things just got too intense. I But when I did finally go to the Doctor, and ask for help, as soon as I said 'I know these things aren't real', I got fobbed off with implications that I was attention seeking, making things up, and just some sort of hormonal, neurotic woman. A couple of years before that as well I was really struggling with stuff, & the mental health system was just a joke, I couldn't get access to services, & when I did finally get access they did fuck all except just tell me I needed to take nice hot baths, and relax. After all this I'd pretty much given up on the mental health system, or of ever getting any sort of proper help. But then circumstances kind of made me think 'Okay, I don't want to have to go through this all over again, because I've had such negative past experiences, but right now it's not a matter of want, I need to get help'. This time around things have been completely different. I was finally taken seriously, I got a proper diagnosis, I was reassured that 'no I wasn't making stuff up, this was a very real condition', I have a great Psychiatrist who does mindfulness therapy (he actually trained with his holiness The Dalai Lama) in conjunction with medication (the right sort of medication this time) - things are definitely looking up.
Actually, if you give me a few moments, I'll post something I wrote about the experience of having Psychotic Depression to my LJ, and give you the link if you want to pass it along to your friend. Perhaps he might be able to relate, or it might give him at least some sort of basis for starting to ask for help.
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http://emerald1972.livejournal.com/78873.html (http://emerald1972.livejournal.com/78873.html)
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But seriously, thank you! I'm going to show him everything you've said and see what he thinks. I wish you all the best too! It sounds like things are going better for you and that just makes me incredibly happy. <3
So thank you thank you thank you.