fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2106 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2106 ⌋

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Notes:

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That I don't want to have sex with people or find them sexually appealing?

Makes sense to me!

What doesn't make sense to me is "I have sexual urges, I masturbate, I love written porn, I have sex with my partner. Oh, what? No. No, I'm asexual."

I mean, I'm not saying there's something wrong with a person who says this, or they're a liar, or anything. I'm just -- what?

I mean, like, I dislike jazz music. That doesn't mean I'd never listen to it, or never ever appreciate it, but I don't like it. So while I can see writing about a character who likes it, or enjoying reading about a character who does, I'm not going to seek out stories about it. If my partner likes it, I might listen to it now and then with her, but I wouldn't collect an Itunesfull of something I don't like.

Yet many asexuals seem to really be into smutfic, where it's an actual interest and not just a "Oh, I love this character, and she's sexual" like I might "Oh, I love this character, and one of her quirks is how much she adores jazz."

So it confuses me. Especially when it's coupled with descriptions of "sexuals" and what we're like and what we want that... don't resemble anything about my life, but I like sex and want sex with my romance, thanks.

Hmm, well I do masturbate but it's mechanical really. Like one time I spent the time thinking about math test...

Also I do read a lot of smut because often it's the only choice for pairings, or I know those characters probably aren't asexual so they'll want sex. Smutfic is also a way to 'see' into a place I don't really understand (actually wanting sex lol). But, those are my reasons at least.

(I also write porn because I'm shameless and love reviews...and smutfics are usually reviewed most. It's a good boost when some of my non smutty fics are ignored. Terrible, but I can admit it anon)

It's a confusing thing, even for people who fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum. I'm still trying to figure out what I am, because, like... I like the concept of sex? I enjoy it in fic, because I like to see that dynamic play out between characters. And visual depictions of sex (ie. porn) turn me on... and are, in fact, the ONLY way I can get off. I am basically incapable of keeping myself interested and aroused enough to masturbate to completion without outside visual stimuli. So like... that seems kind of sexual?

But at the same time, while I have a drive for masturbating and watching sex, I utterly lack a drive to have sex. I don't feel any sort of sexual attraction to anyone, and my arousal is never associated with wanting to get laid, just wanting to get myself off. I have recently developed some curiosity about sex, because if getting off feels good, sex probably feels good, right? But at the same time, this curiosity still isn't directed at anybody, and I'd relate it more to any interest in, say, visiting a foreign country. It could be kind of neat, I may or may not enjoy it, it's something I might want to do some day, but it's not a pressing concern or something I think about often.

So... I don't know what I am. I sort of feel too sexual to identify as fully asexual, but I'm pretty sure my feelings aren't aligned with normal adult sexuality either.

I hate to bring it up if it's something you hear all the time and my hunch is wrong, anon, but how old are you? I ask because I know that when I was young, it was really difficult for me to tie the things I thought about to any concrete desire to do anything with anyone. I wondered if that meant I was asexual (as I understood the word) or had no libido, too.

(This next bit gets really personal, as in clearly is talking about me myself and I, so don't think I'm saying this is you.)

The first thing I personally figured out was I'm not asexual, I'm kinky -- I didn't think about genitals on, in, or against things, I thought of power and pain. But then I assumed all that meant I had a fetish in the clinical sense and would never enjoy sex. I still thought of sex as strange and even repulsive, even as I recognized that sadomasochism was probably somehow related to the thing people called "sexuality." I was kind of Freudian about that: I guessed I had a substitution or replacement for "sex" in my mind, so I'd never need or want it. (I also thought this meant I was crazy, but that's a whole other can of worms.)

I only tried sex once I found the BDSM scene -- it was only by connecting it to what I knew I wanted that it became remotely palatable to me as an idea. But you know what? Once I tried it, I discovered it was pretty cool in its own right. I'm still kinky and I still like those other things, but I'm capable of happily dating and doing sexy stuff with someone who's much more vanilla than I am. (I don't know that I'd be able to function well with someone totally uninterested, but mild D/s-y overtones can, apparently, be enough for me. I had no idea.)

My point in all this being that while I'm sure some people know from a very young age that they're asexual, I suspect some people who are young are still figuring themselves out -- particularly if they're kinky, or gay. (The plural of anecdote isn't data, but I know someone who identified as asexual and really wrestled with how ace she was or wasn't and then realized she's... kinky and queer. Which makes two of us, though I never got into asexuality as an identity, just wondered why I didn't seem interested.)

That I think is the concern I have -- that once you take on an identity it can be really difficult to shed. That was tough for my friend. She'd built up this whole idea of herself that fit a label, and then suddenly it was "Hmm, maybe if a woman Xs my Y -- wait, what they hell? I'm not supposed to want that!"

Where I keep thinking maybe if she'd let herself float a bit in "I don't know. That doesn't sound so amazing. Hmm." maybe there wouldn't have been the same kind of identity struggle.

I mean I don't think IT'S DAMAGING TO IDENTIFY AS ASEXUAL!! or something. I just have the concern sometimes that young folks may decide they have no sexuality just because their feelings don't fit what their peers seem to be doing or wanting or enjoying.

Edited 2012-10-09 02:46 (UTC)

I'm 24. I tried on the identity of 'bisexual' when I was 12-14, then realized I was equally unattracted to both genders, rather than equally attracted, and started labeling myself 'nonsexual', after which I found out that asexuality was a thing that other people shared, and thus waffled between identifying as 'asexual' and my original 'nonsexual' (I was actually pretty creeped out by the idea of sex up until I was pushing 19/20 and started exploring my own body and masturbating, though I am still kind of squicked about the idea of getting a penis near me. I'm much more comfortable with the idea of sex with other women, though again, still more vague curiosity.)

I'm pretty sure I'm not kinky in any practical way, since one of my biggest kinks is xeno (alien/monster/robot) stuff. ;) I'm not really that worried about picking a label and sticking with it, though, so at the moment I mostly just consider myself as 'undefined'.

I've recently started falling in love with someone and have a lot of urges for intimacy of the more 'innocent' sort (hugging, cuddling, holding hands, maybe kissing), so I guess as that relationship develops I'll be better able to see if I fall out as a homoromantic asexual, or as a lesbian with really low sexual attraction.

[ SECRET POST #2106 ]

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