[ SECRET POST #2188 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2188 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 102 secrets from Secret Submission Post #313.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock

[dethtoll]

Alien Resurrection is an absolute abortion of a film and a leading example of why Joss Whedon is one of the worst writers in Hollywood. He needs to stop fucking writing everything like it's a comic book. It is not good writing. It is not funny. It is not witty. He is a hack who should never have been allowed near the Alien franchise. The man can't write dialogue to save his life. His script for Alien Resurrection is like a bad fanfiction. It does have a few good parts, but it escalates way, way too quickly. The first three movies have always been about the slow buildup of tension and suspense. Even Aliens, far more actiony than its prequel or sequel, built tension to an almost unbearable point. Alien Resurrection is basically the movie equivalent of premature ejaculation, and you're left wondering "what the fuck just happened?" But its biggest problem is the dialogue. It's horrible. There are too many characters and they all end up sounding the same, which is basically true of nearly anything Whedon creates because of his fetish for ensemble casts.

Whedon once said he likes to cast actors who can do comedy because he believes comedy to be harder than drama, and so if they can do comedy... Anyway he's wrong and he should feel bad, because the comedy ain't fucking funny and with the exception of Christie (who is the only black character in the movie and therefore is gonna die) the only characters even worth remembering are the ones who make it all the way to the end. But the biggest crime is the Newborn.

Oh my GOD the Newborn. The concept itself is kind of apocalyptically stupid but could've gone over better if it didn't feel so tacked on, not appearing or even being hinted at until the last third of the movie. Sometimes a sudden appearance can work (such as the Queen in Aliens), but in this case it didn't, it failed horribly. The scene where they introduce it is singularly awful- possibly the worst scene in the whole movie. If the scientist hadn't taken on the ridiculous "THIS IS RIPLEY'S GIFT TO HER" horseshit and just kept on mumbling scientifically I would have liked that scene a lot more. But no, he actually fucking says, "you are a beautiful beautiful butterfly." I puked in my mouth a little.

The directing is equally bad. Never let a Frenchman direct a horror film. Jean-Pierre Jeunet's directing is flatout fucking terrible and only compounds the problems caused by the shitty script. The tone he brings to the film is all over the place: wait here it's serious, wait now it's a surreal comedy, now it's serious again, no wait it's a bad 80s action flick, wait now it's a comedy again. One thing in particular he did that irritated me to the point where I gritted my teeth every time he did it was when he zoomed in on people's faces at odd angles during what were supposed to be emotional moments. All it really did was show how overacted the scenes were and resemble a college student film thesis.

I'll be honest, I did like the setting somewhat. It was kind of a cross between the interior of the Nostromo from Alien with the grittiness of the colony buildings in Aliens. But I wasn't happy with the alien hive at all. The hive in Aliens was smooth and almost skeletal. In Alien Resurrection it reminded me of those horrible tentacle rape .gifs you used to see on the internet back in the day.

There's a few parts I did like: Gary Dourdan, Ron Perlman, watching Ripley rip out an alien jaw, the bit from the director's cut where they show her the pictures of a little girl and she cries (why this was taken out of the theatrical version is beyond me, because it adds depth to the character that's largely absent otherwise.) I also liked the underwater scene and the director's cut ending. But overall? This movie could've been so much better if it had a different script, a different director, a different plot, a different and smaller cast, and was basically not this movie.

And no fucking Newborn.

However, if Joss Whedon were to catch fire right now for his horrible horrible script, I think that would make the movie so much better because I could enjoy it in the knowledge that if nothing else, Joss Whedon died in a fire for this terrible movie.

Fuck Joss Whedon and fuck this movie.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[fingalsanteater]

Damn, son. Now that's a good rant. Kind of makes me want to watch the movie again.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[visp]

The first three movies have always been about the slow buildup of tension and suspense.

But after 3 movies, you really can't try to drag the suspense out that much. They're aliens. They lay eggs in your chest, and have lots of teeth. We already know that, dragging it out wouldn't be suspenseful, it'd be tedious.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[dethtoll]

All the more reason Alien Rejection should never have been made.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead d

[visp]

Not all movies have to follow the "guess what it is" model. Sometimes the "here's the setting, now let's see it play out" model works - especially in violent action. (See: Dredd or 13 Assassins)

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead d

[dethtoll]

All of this is moot, however, in the face of the horrible script and directing. :)

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

You got some of your feels in my Cheerios, bro

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

You might be taking this a tad bit too seriously.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[dethtoll]

It's Alien Resurrection. I'm allowed to froth over one thing. ONE THING. I don't froth over much. Please let me have my hate for something that ruined one of my favourite movie series.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[fingalsanteater]

Just pretend it doesn't exist. Like the rest of us do.

I pretend the third movie doesn't exist too.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[dethtoll]

The third movie was my introduction to the series. And the Director's Cut is awesome.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

Well, you also used Alien Resurrection as a springboard to rant about Joss Whedon in general.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[intrigueing]

(also, Joss Whedon kinda totally agrees with you that the movie sucked balls).

+ like a million

[(Anonymous)]

PREACH IT

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

I despise that movie and I think that Joss Whedon is a lot more hit-or-miss in his writing than most people will admit, but the man himself has said that that movie was terrible. There was a lot of studio interference and crap that went on behind the scenes, too. I don't really think that it would have been a brilliant movie even without that, but the movie's shittiness isn't totally and completely his fault. A large part of it, but not all.

[chugway]

i like you

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

Wow, dethtoll, tell us what you really think! XD

I'm not a big fan of Resurrection by any means--Aliens was my favorite by far--but I have to confess (shamefacedly) that I liked it better than 3. Never did get over Newt and Hicks, and "violent men in prison" films never did much for me. I wasn't impressed with the Newborn's birth scene or the way the whole thing was introduced either, but I thought the basic concept of the genetically engineered infantile hybrid killing machine and the bond it had with Ripley was interesting, and I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the poor wretched thing.

As for the secret...subtext? There was subtext in that scene? O_o

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

OP here! I meant the subtext Ripley had with Winona's character, haha.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[tabaqui]

Whoooo!! That is a gorgeous rant. I feel pretty much the same - Alien is in my top three all-time favorite, love-to-death movies, and that movie just sucked balls so fucking hard.

It was awesome to see Ripley again, awesome to imagine some little station somewhere with aliens and clones and horrible, sekrit shite going on and smugglers smuggling in people...but, yeah.

Now, i did love The Avengers, so i can't totally despise Whedon, but i have *never* understood the slavish 'Joss is God' bullshite. He really just *isn't*.

So - bring on the fatwa!!
*icon is for Whedon, not you*

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[insanenoodlyguy]

I just read part of this aloud with an english accent. I can't remember where you are from but it really worked for your dialouge. She laughed. And thought you had sound words to say.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

:high five:

I love the first two alien movies. That's it.

Also I was gonna say to each his own, but this post was kind of epic. lol.

Alien Resurrection was disgusting. I've only seen it once. Never again. I like to pretend it never existed.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

I LOVED ALIEN RESURRECTION.

I loved it because it was ridiculous.

I loved it because it was weird and silly and a little stupid. And I LOVED Brad Dourif's beautiful butterfly moment.

It may not be a great movie, but it entertained the fuck outta me, which is all I want half the time, so I love it.

I also love Alien and Aliens for different reasons. This is one of those series that one movie didn't really affect my opinion of any of the others.

Still, this was a lovely rant and fun to read. Thanks for that.

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[al28894]

I'm currently amused that that the words "fatwa" and "give two tugs of a dead dog's cock" are both in the same sentence. guess who's a Muslim in this comm but is too busy laughing at your title to care

Anyway, despite not knowing about this film, that was quite an enjoyable rant to read!

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[visp]

I fail to see the connection. "give two tugs of a dead dog's cock" is one of Spider Jerusalem's preferred profanities and 'fatwa' just gets thrown around like 'Nazi.'

Re: This rant will renew the Whedon-fans' fatwa on me, but I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's coc

[(Anonymous)]

I thought somebody messed with the script so much it hardly even resembled Whedon's script at all? (Assuming you're not referring to his original script- I've never seen the movie.) Or maybe I'm completely wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what I heard somewhere. I don't know.

(And no, I don't really give a crap about Joss Whedon)