Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2012-12-31 06:44 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2012-12-31 06:44 pm
[ SECRET POST #2190 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2190 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 064 secrets from Secret Submission Post #313.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ], [ 1 2 3 4 - posted twice ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
Trigger warning: illness and death
(Anonymous) 2013-01-01 06:39 am (UTC)(link)Well, he's not doing well. I last saw him in June and we tried to reach him over Christmas to wish him happy holidays and see about taking him to lunch for his birthday in January, but his phones had been disconnected and his cars were gone. Today, Mom found out he's in the hospital. Mostly he's just old with an old heart, but then he also got pneumonia and things just aren't looking good.
They all live about 130 miles from me. I just got back from five days there last week (left when I got off work Monday, came back before work Friday), and I'm trying to decide if I want to trek back over there this week now, too. Through some scheduling magic, I somehow have a three-day weekend (Tues-Thurs), so I could, but I was already planning to go next week, before we knew all about this, with Christmas gifts for my nieces (who were not in town over Christmas and whose gifts I still have not purchased).
I feel like I should go -- if not tomorrow then Wednesday/Thursday, at least. But I'm kind of in this place where, I know I would probably hate myself if I missed my last opportunity to see him alive because I was feeling lazy, but I kind of don't want to go. Part of it's the wanting a weekend at home to myself with my cat after five days of dealing with family (who I love, but it's a stressful place to be). But also...
I was there when my grandma died, and that was OK. She was on her side, facing me and it really did pretty much look like she went to sleep. But then we all stepped out so the nurses could do there thing, and when they said we could go back in, htey had rolled her over onto her back, and because she didn't have any teeth, her lips kind of drooped backward so it looked like her mouth was hanging open, and even though I immediately turned around and left that room, THAT'S the last memory I have of my grandma. And about half the time -- even when I'm thinking of the good times, THAT is what still pops into my head.
And my mom said that when they went to see Friend in the hospital he was all swollen up and looked really bad, and I don't know that I want that to be my last memory of him. But I feel shitty about that, because he's the one who's dying. Mom said when they showed up he just smiled and was so happy that people were there to see him, and it just feels really selfish of me to essentially be all "Yeah, you can't see me again before you die, because that's not how I want to remember you."
I'm probably going to go, but I wish none of this were happening.
Re: Trigger warning: illness and death
I don't know what you're 'supposed' to do, but I (and my siblings) chose not to see either of my parents after they died (fortunately open-casket funerals are not the done thing where I'm from). I'm still glad I saw them both shortly before they died. You didn't say how long ago you lost your grandma - imx those intrusive memories of sickness and death fade over time and you wind up remembering a more diffuse picture of the people you've lost.
And seriously, being selfish about sickness and death is normal and it's a pity it's so damn taboo that it's almost impossible to talk about it. We can't help defaulting to selfish, especially not in the face of something as unimaginable as losing someone who has always been there for us. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way, but I would like to vote against you acting out of selfishness in this instance.
Re: Trigger warning: illness and death
(Anonymous) 2013-01-01 10:17 am (UTC)(link)I understand not wanting to have him the way he is now potentially be your last memory of him. When my grandmother died, I refused to see her in her casket for the same reason. Just prepare yourself for how he's going to look before you arrive, and the sting may not be as bad. Also, it might help if you try to remember small things, like his smile when he sees you've come to visit him.
It might also not be so bad to talk to your family about what happened with your grandmother and if the worst happens, to give them a moment to make sure he's okay to be seen before you enter the room. There's nothing wrong with this. Just, please, OP, don't suffer from the regrets I've had to suffer from. My grandmother died almost 15 years ago and I still sometimes start crying uncontrollably when I remember that I blew off the last chance I had to give her a hug and tell her I love her and tell her what she means to me. Please, don't be me.