fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2220 ]

[ SECRET POST #2220 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2220 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Sherlock, The Hobbit, Doctor Who]

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[Hotel Transylvania]

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[Skyfall]

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[Love Actually]

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[The Walking Dead]

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[Small Wonder]

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[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]

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[Downton Abbey]

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[Magi]

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[Homestuck]

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 042 secrets from Secret Submission Post #317.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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Here's the thing, F!S. I know I have depression, but I feel too guilty to go back to counseling. I could break down crying or have a panic attack, but ten minutes later it feels like I was faking emotion. I should get help but I just don't think I should be able to get it, if that makes sense. I actually got to the point where the college counselor said, 'Okay, when you come back next semester we can get you medicated-' but I didn't make a new appointment when I came back.
I've been gradually eating less and less for months, down to one meal a day. But in the last 48 hours I have eaten a protein bar and a carrot but I literally can't convince myself to swallow any more food (I just spit it out). I'm shaky and nervous. I can't concentrate on anything and I've been cutting to the point that there are two solid patches of scar tissue that are a few inches wide and across, and I'm ready to cry all the time. I know this isn't good. What should I do?

You need to get help if you are able to. You sound like you're in really bad shape and the only thing that's gonna help you right now is going to a professional. Your condition sounds really dangerous and unhealthy and you could get an infection from all the cutting and get in really bad shape from the not-eating.

Please go get help, ok?

I know I should get help but I feel really guilty about it. I guess what I'm asking is,how do I stop feeling guilty for it? I can't think of my feelings as legitimate.

That's part of depression, not feeling legitimate. It's called inappropriate guilt. Your feelings don't have to be 'legitimate' otherwise it wouldn't be a disorder.

If you really can't bring yourself to go because of your depression pretend that you're not going for that, you're going solely because you are starving and injured. If you were starving and injured for other reasons, you would go to the doctor.

Thank you.
I'm sorry. I just feel shitty right now.

Also,How do I tell the counselor that I'm cutting myself? I don't know how to bring it up.

I know it's hard, anon, but there's not an easy way other than saying,

"I'm cutting myself. A lot."
*shows cuts*

Any kind of brain-doctor you see isn't gonna judge you for them. They see depressed, self injuring patients every day. So you gotta just get it out there.

It's actually all under the band of my underwear so I would literally have to pull down my pants. But I guess it would work.
I would literally be getting it out there badum-tishhhh (sorrY)

If you feel like you really can't bring it up or talk about it, write it down - everything you want to bring up - and bring that. It can either be a list of topics, detailed description of your feelings, anything. And you can use it as a reminder to keep yourself on track, or even just hand the whole thing over to the counselor.

I often have problems with words. I tend to go mute and literally cannot bring myself to talk when it's a tense emotionally charged situation. I once spent an entire hour long counseling session in complete silence just trying to will myself to say anything. The writing it down idea was brought up later and really helped me get through some of the harder topics, one of which was self injury.

Re: OP

(Anonymous) - 2013-01-31 04:58 (UTC) - Expand

OP, this is your depression working against you.

It doesn't want you to get help, it doesn't want you to get better.

But please, don't listen to it. Get help, for YOU. You are worth it.

Please please please go back to the counselor. Maybe print this whole thing off and bring it with you to just hand over and explain, because sometimes words are too hard.

This sounds like something you can't get out of on your own, so please seek help if it's at all available to you.

Printing it out is a good idea. I never could get myself to bring up what was really bothering me (the cutting and wanting to kill myself) while I was talking. Its humiliating to be so weak, and it feels so dramatic to say it.

ayrt

I know exactly what you're saying. I had the same problem with therapy. Unless I'm in the middle of an episode it all just feels...silly. Over dramatic. Like I'm blowing things out of proportion. But it's not true, and you shouldn't feel guilty or weak or anything.

I just saw this the other day, it's about the idea that getting help is somehow a weakness: http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i

Yeah, it's hard. I've been worrying about it all day. I know it's getting worse but it either feels cake or like its happening to somebody else.

*SA
Fake not cake

Get that help and book yourself a counseling appointment if they're available to you. Even though you feel as though you're lying, emotionally, it's a good opportunity to hash out what's going on in your head out loud for your own introspection. Take advantage of the resources available to you :(

Yeah, you're right.
I just feel bad for taking up the counselor's time.

That is in the most literal sense what they're there for

you are making use of their time in the best possible way

Think about it this way: Your counselor is PAID to listen to you talk. If they don't have patients, they don't get paid. So you aren't wasting anyone's time, if anything you being a patient is beneficial because it means they get money. Not like they don't care about their patients, but therapists don't go "man this guy is wasting my time" as long as they're getting paid, and often more 'interesting' people are more difficult to treat so your therapist will probably be relieved that it's just a 'run of the mill' case of depression they have on their hands.

I can see how I'm being stupid but on the other hand, she seems like such a nice lady and I don't want her to think I'm full of shit.
I'll try and call or email or go to the counseling center in person tomorrow though, I guess.

You really, really should.

And, think of it this way - I don't know, maybe it won't help you, but it helps me - the odds are really, really good that you're not the most extreme person they've seen in any given direction. If you are full of shit (but you're not, for Christ's sake, look at what you've already written) but even if you are, she's seen people who are more full of shit than you are, and she's not going to judge you too harshly or be too shocked or anything.

Re: TW: Eating disorder

(Anonymous) - 2013-01-31 04:20 (UTC) - Expand

Go to the fucking counselor.

It doesn't matter whether or not your feelings are "legitimate". What matters is - can you live a life where you're happy? And it seems from what you're saying that you can't, and so you need to go to a counselor. Even if it were the case that your feelings were illegitimate (they're not, they're totally legitimate and you need to address them and it doesn't make you a bad person or weak to feel them) - but even if they were illegitimate (they're not), the fact that you have these illegitimate feelings temporarily would in itself be reason to go to a counselor.

You aren't happy, and you have an eating disorder. Regardless of the legitimacy of you feelings, that's something a counselor can address (but your feelings are legitimate)

I'm so sorry to hear all of this, I've been there and it's an awful and a lonely place to be. Try to just be kind to yourself, for now -- and don't try to tell yourself you don't deserve it, because you're a person. A human being. You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect, just like anyone else does, and I know you wouldn't anyone else to hurt the way your illness is trying to hurt you now. Get help when you can, and take what steps you can, just know that you're not alone and there are people who love you. Even if there's nobody there next to you right now, there's at least me and the others in this thread who care about you. *huuuug*

If you're having trouble getting past the guilt and the feeling that you don't deserve help, try this: Imagine you have a friend who tells you that they're experiencing all the things you're going through -- the depressive mood swings and panic attacks, the cutting, the inability to eat. What would you say to someone who wasn't you who was experiencing all those things?

Now understand that the same thing applies to you, and please get the help you need. *hugs if wanted*

I actually do have a friend in a similar situation to me. We agreed to both go to counseling but I can't get myself off my ass.
Hugs are always wanted. C:

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