Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-02-09 02:34 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-02-09 02:34 pm
[ SECRET POST #2230 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2230 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Early because blizzard, not quite sure if power will last.
Secrets Left to Post: 05 pages, 103 secrets from Secret Submission Post #319.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 2 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-02-10 11:10 am (UTC)(link)I have aspergers accompanied by a depression brought on by the constant exhaustion of trying to navigate social situations without cruise control.
I know that my life will never really get much better than it is right now: Holding down a (part time) job that pays well enough for me and a person I love, and delivering satisfactory performance, occassionally cooking for myself and managing not to let my flat turn into a complete pigsty. I'm super proud of having got this far (because nobody coulda predicted it a while back), but that pride does not make me happy or obligated to live.
The only problem is that ending your life is way more problematic than actually just never having it. I'm not an asshole; I don't want to contribute to a rescue worker's or train driver's professional trauma. If I could give it back though, no strings attached, dignitas style so nobody gets hurt? In a fucking heartbeat.
So yeah, my wish to not be (not a wish to die, mind you) has everything to do with my depression, but it is not one of the symptoms. It's just the result of an honest evaluation of my life so far, and the future I see ahead of myself. I got maybe sixty years left, in which something good might or might not happen. It's kind of like a lottery you can't opt out of without hurting someone. Can you see how that's maybe something I wish my parents had considered before they had me? It's a shitty situation to be stuck in.
no subject
E-hugs, anon. I feel your pain. Sixty years is a long time; there's a high probability that there will be psychological changes and interesting events.
no subject
Your wish to die has everything to do with your depression. Like 100% you can blame that fucker for this feeling. Even people with quite severe disabilities still find joy and happiness in life and are very happy to have been born. Even people living in quite desperate situations fight hard to live. Wanting to live is by far the norm, no matter the circumstance, so much so that most people don't even consider killing themselves. It's depression that's the one that tells you that it's not worth while.
You have to understand: Depression is a liar. It blames everything and everyone but itself. It comes up with impossible expectations for everyone and then punishes with derision when those expectations aren't met. It tells you that the way you feel now is the way you will always feel. It robs you of pleasure. It tells you that life isn't worth living and everyone would be fine without you. But all those things are lies. I have depression. It's an asshole.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-02-10 08:40 pm (UTC)(link)I'm sorry you are suffering, but you are being unfair to your parents. They aren't psychic. There is no way for them to have known you would end up like this -- and every reason to expect that you wouldn't.
Here's how I figure it. When you have kids, you make a really big decision for another human. You then owe it to that human, from the moment they are born, to do the very best you can (however much that is) to give them the best odds of making your decision for them a good one. My parents did that. It's not their fault I'm fucked in the head, they both (within their limited means) did what they could. What more could anyone really ask?
You have to understand: Depression is a liar. It blames everything and everyone but itself. It comes up with impossible expectations for everyone and then punishes with derision when those expectations aren't met. It tells you that the way you feel now is the way you will always feel. It robs you of pleasure. It tells you that life isn't worth living and everyone would be fine without you. But all those things are lies. I have depression. It's an asshole.
I actually have a little postcard that my colleagues made me that says "Depression is an asshole" (I love them, haha!), and that's definitely true. If I believed the things my depression tells me, I wouldn't have dared to graduate, get my job or ask for the part time. I wouldn't be where I am now. I would still be in bed, unable to eat, drink or wash myself without assistance (that was not a fun time).
Your wish to die has everything to do with your depression. Like 100% you can blame that fucker for this feeling. Even people with quite severe disabilities still find joy and happiness in life and are very happy to have been born. Even people living in quite desperate situations fight hard to live. Wanting to live is by far the norm, no matter the circumstance, so much so that most people don't even consider killing themselves. It's depression that's the one that tells you that it's not worth while.
I don't actually want to die at the moment. I feel pretty confident that I'm a net positive influence in the world, and there's tons of stuff I still want to do now that the presumably worst is over. Plus, I'm finally having small happy emotions for the first time in my life, which is super awesome.
But if someone offered me an undo, and I never have to go through the months of crippling anguish during either of my depressive breaks? Yes, I think I'd take that.
I used to think the world would be better off without me because I was a horribly abusive person, but I managed to stop abusing, was forgiven by my victim, and now I can confidently say "from my environment's perspective, it's a good thing I exist". I figure that once I have enough positive experience under my belt, I'll eventually say "from my perspective, it's a good thing I exist", too.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2013-02-10 08:46 pm (UTC)(link)no subject