Case (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
case) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomsecrets2013-02-11 06:41 pm
case) wrote in fandomsecrets2013-02-11 06:41 pm
[ SECRET POST #2232 ]
⌈ Secret Post #2232 ⌋
Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.
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Notes:
Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 070 secrets from Secret Submission Post #319.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.
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(Curtain rises.)
SCENE I
(INT: Black depths of space. Enter SERENITY and CREW.)
KAYLEE: Look, all I'm sayin' is that she'd fly better if she could get some of this excess energy out. The only reason she's always breakin' down is 'cause she's sexually frustrated.
MAL: I got no idea what you're on about. Zoe, do you know what she's on about?
ZOE: She thinks the ship should get laid, sir.
JAYNE: Hey, I ain't arguin'. Everyone needs some good sexing now and again.
(Hearing this, WASH flashes a cheeky grin at ZOE, who rolls her eyes good-naturedly.)
ZOE: Later, honey. The captain and I have some business to sort out.
SIMON: Ordinarily I would never have believed such a thing, but I've encountered a lot of...strangeness since then, and...
(He falters.)
SIMON: Well, I just can't answer for the biological processes of a ship.
RIVER: She calls out, but no one hears. Others don't understand. Needs stimulation, craves it, but none can provide.
(KAYLEE beams with pride.)
KAYLEE: See? River agrees with me.
MAL: 'Nara, do you believe this craziness?
INARA: If you'll allow me some privacy in my shuttle, Captain, I might be able to locate a suitable match for Serenity. I have experience in understanding these things.
(MAL sighs, irritated. BOOK is flipping through his Bible.)
BOOK: Well, the good Lord doesn't say anything about spacecraft, but if it truly does possess a soul, then to disregard it as a living being would be tantamount to sin.
SIMON: But how would it even work? I mean, do ships have...those parts...?
JAYNE: Everything's got parts, if ya know where to look.
RIVER: Firefly meets Star Wars, perfect harmony, but discord between the canons. Both beaten, but faithful.
(MAL looks to SIMON, who shrugs.)
WASH: I don't know what she's talking about. Do we have any cannons, Kaylee?
KAYLEE: Not that I know of...
JAYNE: It's prob'ly some gorram metaphor or somethin'.
(ZOE raises one eyebrow, surprised at JAYNE's newest vocabulary word.)
INARA: We're going to have to find out. This ship won't hold together much longer, and I'm not particularly eager to see the day it falls apart.
(KAYLEE frowns, offended.)
WASH: Then what are we waiting for? Inara, give me a destination and I'll set us a course. We're getting this ship laid!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
(INT: Black depths of space, several light-years away from the previous scene. Enter MILLENNIUM FALCON and PROTAGONISTS.)
HAN: Kid, I keep telling you, she's fine. It's just some minor turbulence, that's all.
LUKE: Minor turbulence? This thing's gonna get us all killed!
C-3PO: I have to agree with Master Luke. According to my calculations, the Millennium Falcon is one incident away from falling apart completely. We must do something!
(R2-D2 beeps and whistles.)
C-3PO: Oh, you would say that, wouldn't you, you know-nothing pile of grease!
(R2-D2 beeps again. C-3PO opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted by HAN.)
HAN: Look, would you two lovebirds quit babbling for one second here?
LEIA: If we're really in danger, then we must discover the cause. Surely there is something we can do.
LUKE: Ben taught me this trick before he died. He told me how to use the Force to communicate with spaceships.
HAN: Then what are you waiting for, kid? Go ahead and do it!
(LUKE puts his hand on the wall and closes his eyes. The others watch as his expression shifts from concentration to confusion.)
C-3PO: Sir, I would be happy to plug Artoo into the main console and have him discern the problem.
(R2-D2 beeps in agreement.)
LUKE: No, no, I got it. It's just...
LEIA: Just what? Is it something we can fix?
LUKE: Well...the ship...it seems to be...sexually frustrated?
(HAN gapes at him.)
HAN: What the hell does that mean?
C-3PO: If I may, I believe master Luke is referring to a particular form of, well, of human desire wherein--
LEIA: I think he knows what it means, Threepio.
(CHEWBACCA growls.)
HAN: Yeah, I'm working on that, Chewie. I mean, I know she's got a mind of her own, but this is crazy talk, kid. You sure old Ben wasn't pulling one over on you?
LUKE: Believe me, I sensed a lot more than I wanted to.
LEIA: It can't hurt to try, can it? Nothing else you've tried is going to keep this thing in the air.
(CHEWBACCA growls and turns to HAN.)
HAN: Calm down, I'll deal with the princess's attitude later.
(LEIA rolls her eyes. R2-D2 whistles and rocks back and forth.)
C-3PO: Artoo believes we are nearing another ship that may suit the Falcon's unusual needs.
HAN: All right, then. Fine. If that's really what she wants, then dammit, we're getting this ship laid.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
(INT: Black depths of space. Again. Enter SERENITY and CREW.)
ZOE: Sir, another ship is coming up on our detectors. It seems to be an old smuggling vessel.
MAL: Oh, great. A match made in heaven.
(Enter MILLENNIUM FALCON and PROTAGONISTS.)
LEIA: I'm impressed. You managed to find the one ship that's even junkier than yours.
HAN: Listen up, princess--
(All parties are silenced as SERENITY and MILLENNIUM FALCON approach each other, independently of their pilots. Turbulence begins to occur.)
SIMON: Can't you stop this thing?
WASH: Relax, I got it all under control.
KAYLEE: No, Simon, this is what's supposed to happen! Look how they can't stay away from each other!
(SERENITY and MILLENNIUM FALCON finally meet in the middle of the stage, never taking their eyes off each other.)
LEIA: I guess you were right, Luke. All the ship needed was a little love.
(CHEWBACCA roars happily.)
LUKE: Wow. Their love is so strong, I can feel it through the Force.
HAN: Yeah, yeah, real heartwarming. What's supposed to happen now? Do we have to marry 'em or something?
SCENE IV
(INT: Black depths of space, where else? All players are congregated into one large group.)
BOOK: We are gathered here today to join these two illicit cargo vessels in holy matrimony...
SIMON: So...now that we're all together, aren't there supposed to be some kind of wacky crossover hijinks?
(HAN and MAL exchange glances.)
MAL: Eh, we'll save that for another fic. Someone out there's prob'ly written it already.
KAYLEE: Aww...I was looking forward to that part.
C-3PO: Oh dear. Artoo, I think I'm going to cry.
(R2-D2 lets out a few beeps and whistles.)
C-3PO: Well, isn't that nice? I daresay I tolerate you too.
LEIA: So, Inara, I hear you're also pining for an impossible man.
INARA: Yes, it has been a struggle. Hopefully both of our captains will come around.
LEIA: Or maybe the two of us could go somewhere more private...
INARA: I like the way you think, your highness.
(INARA offers her arm. LEIA takes it. They exit.)
JAYNE: I'll be in my bunk.
(He exits.)
RIVER: Can you teach me to use the Force?
(LUKE jumps, surprised.)
LUKE: Uh, I don't see why not. Let's, uh, let's just go over there.
(They exit.)
SIMON: Wait, River, you don't even know him...I should at least come with you.
(He exits. KAYLEE pouts and follows him.)
WASH: So, Zoe, about that thing you promised me...
(ZOE smiles and tugs WASH along with her. They exit.)
BOOK: Well, now that this affair is concluded, I believe Chewbacca and I have a few items to discuss.
(CHEWBACCA growls in agreement. They exit.)
C-3PO: Wait a moment, just where is everyone going? I don't believe we were authorized to leave the stage!
(R2-D2 beeps at him and and starts rolling away, turning his dome to beckon C-3PO.)
C-3PO: Oh, well, you do make a good point now and then. Let us check to see if the engines are suitably repaired.
(They exit.)
MAL: Hey! Everyone get back here...ah, gorrammit, they left us alone.
HAN: I guess those hijinks are gonna happen after all.
MAL: That don't mean we need to let the audience see 'em, though, does it?
HAN: I like the way you think, old man.
(MAL and HAN exit. SERENITY and MILLENNIUM FALCON turn to face the audience.)
SERENITY: And thus the shipfic reaches now its end,
Though many hijinks guaranteed ensue.
Our crews of misfits each have found a friend,
For mine is hers, and hers is mine anew.
MILLENNIUM FALCON: For years to come, our crews will venture off,
For now our engines' processes abide;
Smooth rides I say they need no longer scoff
As long as she and I are side by side.
SERENITY: We speak in Shakespeare's manner, for, you see--
MILLENNIUM FALCON: This script is strange and cracky parody!
(They exit. Curtain falls.)
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I love it.
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