fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2315 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2315 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Okay, I'm a little bit freaked out. Seriously, your whole comment is pretty much exactly what I was thinking when I said I didn't quite like the *romantic variations or asexual as labels but didn't know how to explain it.

To me, every sexuality only really has one main 'rule' (like, homosexuals are into people of their own sex, heterosexuals into the opposite sex, and bisexuals into both) that you should fit, but anything beyond that (having sex a lot/a little/not at all, feeling attracted equally or not, being up for wild monkey sex with a stranger or only being able to get it up for someone who is your best friend) is more like guidelines.

That makes the most sense to me of anything I've heard. I think all the extra labels/categories just make it unnecessarily complicated, and to be completely honest I think they're what's caused me so much angst and confusion over this.

Also, the unfortunate implications. Well, these might just be me personal, but... I dislike how the asexual community (which is where these labels originated from, as far as I know) gets so hyperfocused on sex, to the point where they really seem to create this unnecessary us vs them attitude, -sexuals vs asexual and it just kinda makes me uncomfortable, especially when it so often comes with a nice dose of slutshaming.

That's actually exactly the same way I feel about it. And I feel kind of slow for just now realizing this but you're exactly right that it's the asexual community who's created that us vs. them mentality with the various labels and their definitions (if someone had asked me before now I probably would've said 'society' was responsible but honestly, I'm not sure that most of society is even aware of those labels). And that definitely goes a long way to explain why asexuality-centered sites have always made me feel so shitty. That kind of us vs. them attitude is not productive or helpful to anyone.

When someone is bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, whichever, that label actually doesn't say shit about the amount of sex they are having. The -sexual in the label is not a reference to any making of the beast with two backs, it just about the sexes of the people who you are willing to date. So in that way the labels feel very superfluous. very much 'oh god don't lump me in with those people'.

That's how I've always thought of it. I've been told by a handful of people that I'm wrong and the -sexual in all of those terms refers to the actual act of having sex, but that's never made much sense to me.

Plus, well, I think there is a trend were people are trying to narrow down something as complex as sexual attraction into these neat little boxes and labels. Which leads to increasingly narrow labels that to my mind actually do not help anyone. It makes everything more confusing than it should be and gives people unnecessary anxiety over not meeting the whole washlist of tiny details of all these very specific labels like you experienced. Rather than work on finding some tiny obscure label for something who matches the going label for like 80% and then has some personal uniqueness, we should be working on being more inclusive. There is far too much discriminating even within our minority groups. None of this 'you are only a real lesbian/gay/bisexual if XYZ'. We already gotta constantly fight against discrimination coming from the outside, could we at least stop trying to stab each other in the back, you know?

Definitely.

(not to mention, wow overshare? Like, okay, the world at large wants labels, but with all these really narrow new labels popping up, it just feels like, man, I just wanted to know if I had a chance with you, I really don't need to know if you only turn your crank every other tuesday while yodelling in the moonlight. Quit telling me about how much sex you are (not) having! I really do not need to know.)

I think that's why I don't really like asexual as a label (at least when used with its 'official' definition). If it just meant 'not interested in dating either sex' like gay people are into the same sex and straight people are into the opposite sex and bi people are into both, then it would at least make sense to me. But to have a whole separate label/category based entirely on how much sex someone is or isn't having just seems kind of unnecessary to me.

Anyway, yes. You are awesome and your comments have made me feel way better and less confused about things so thank you.

I'm glad if I could help you out a little bit. It is a pretty big thing to figure out, but you can do it.

I think there is definitely pressure from society on those that do not fit the general sexual mores, but with the asexual community... to me a big problem is that they seem to see it as this pressure that is solely directed at them. As if, the moment you have sex you are totally in the clear and nobody pressures you at all anymore. Which is very much not the case. Especially not if you are a girl. So by making it this us vs them thing, not only are they alienating a lot of people who would otherwise be sympathetic to their cause and also understand what it is like, but well... we need all the people we can get to change this ridiculous attitude our society has towards sex. Again, by dividing us up unnecessarily, we have far less power than if we all come together.

[ SECRET POST #2315 ]

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