fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2365 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2365 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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[Community/Mad Men]

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[Antoine Becks]

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[Arrested Development]

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[Naruto]

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[Miyavi]

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[Breaking Bad]

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[Nardwuar the Human Serviette]

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[Spartacus]

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[Bridal Mask]

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[Malcolm In The Middle/Breaking Bad]

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[Pillars of the Earth]

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[The Kills]

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[Sarah and Brendon Urie]

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[Hannibal]

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[Hannibal]

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[Ashlee Simpson]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 04 pages, 078 secrets from Secret Submission Post #337.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 1 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, I have a couple friends who, when we were all hanging out in a fandom place, were really cool folks and were in general good to hang around with.

I've had to drift away from fandom in general because hey, that's life. Work and shit. We've continued to keep in contact, but without the filter of fandom, I'm starting to get irked by them more and more.

In general, I'd say they're both over privileged middle class teenage girls who don't have enough life experience to realize that some of the shit they say is angsty, dramatic, or just plain offensive.

And to be honest, I kind of resent them for feeling so ruffled and upset by things that don't-- and can't-- ping on my shitometer. If I had, I would have been incapable of functioning long ago. In my view, they're perfectly safe with a very decent support structure around them-- of course, I have to caveat this with the fact I only know them on the internet. (But there's substantial research that says you can make startlingly accurate assessments of someone through fairly little firsthand knowledge of them, but I digress...)

I am not safe. My living situation is not stable. I do not have money, nor a support structure.

I feel like I can't connect with them anymore, and fandom can't bridge our life differences.

I don't want to be lonely, but I don't want to be angry at a couple of kids who are too privileged and clueless to know when to shut up.

It sounds like you need more life experienced friends, then.

Stop talking to them and hangout with SJWs.

If they know this about you and still say really dumb things, then I'd say yeah, might be time for some new friends. Being oblivious to the fact that you're far less privileged while rubbing their first world problems in your face isn't just an issue of privilege, it's an issue of why people who are supposedly your friends are behaving like inconsiderate asshats. I realize that's not necessarily an approach you want to take, though.

I guess if you want to do it in a reasonably and relatively non-confrontational manner, you could try and ask them questions about why they feel this way about XYZ while simultaneously contrasting your different take on things. You'd have to be really careful not to do this snarkily, though. It'd also require a LOT of patience and a willingness to try and get your friends to be a little more empathetic and a lot less selfish.

Teenage Me wouldn't have had the patience, so only you can figure out how much work you want to put into this. One thing you might want to keep in mind is that... well, this sounds cold, but teenage friendships don't last forever and sometimes that's a good thing. Sure, there are people who have best friends they met in grade school, but that's more of a rarity these days. The older you get, the more people you'll meet, with greater chances of finding people who are on the same page.

IMO? Life is too short to invest time in being friends with people you don't like or who don't treat you well. Unless there's a more pressing reason why you can't simply fade out of their lives, it's a very tempting thought.

Yeah, look, if something they say upsets you, politely tell them so. If you're not especially close to them, however - and it sounds like you aren't - don't talk to them. Join some larger fandoms if you can, or panfandom comms like FS, or another comm, that has people with more life experience.

Eh... The fact that there are other people who have worse problems than (the rhetorical) you doesn't make your own problems stop bothering you. Maybe your fandom-friends' problems don't seem that important to you compared to what's going on in your life, but that doesn't mean those friends need to feel like their lives are perfect. Resenting these people for having problems that aren't as bad as yours seems like a lot of wasted emotion. Unless they're actively expecting you to devote emotional resources to their issues while ignoring your issues -- which you've shared with them -- I don't see that they're doing anything wrong or worthy of anger.

The fact that you have serious financial or family problems doesn't make them horrible people for complaining that their little sister hogged the Wii all afternoon. If they're trying to tell you how much better you have it than them, or ignoring your complaints and concerns when you bring them up in conversation, then yes, that's offensive and you have a right to be angry. But if they're just being upset by things going on in their own lives, and you're resenting them because their lives are better than yours and they're still unhappy? Then they're not the ones causing the problem.

If you find being around people who are in a better situation than you to be depressing, that's understandable. You might be happier finding people whose problems are closer to your own and who you can relate to more. But being financially secure and having a supportive family does not make it offensive to be upset about things that happen in your life, either.

This.

Unpopular opinion time!

Chances are, even if you've told them your situation, it's entirely possible that it just didn't sink as ~real~ for them. Teens in most cultures [at least that I've seen/talked to people from] are pretty self-centered. Things just aren't as ~real~ or bad as what they're going through unless it's happening to them, or right in front of them. It's also entirely possibly that they think you're making it - a lot of people do exaggerate to an impressive amount online, and it's not completely out there for them to be assuming that. A lot of people seem to think 'If they can get online then it must not really be that bad.'

Not saying that it's right, or justifies their behavior though - even if you do seem a little thin skinned when it comes to people complaining about things that you, personally, don't see as a problem. If you decide you want to try remaining friends with them...maybe try remembering that what you see as a problem/wouldn't bug you doesn't mean it wouldn't bug anyone and that's a perfectly valid thing? Otherwise stop being friends with them. You'd be doing both sides a favor.

[Also, re: parenthesis bit- there's also substantial proof that people act differently online than off, so all your assessments would be based on that and not their offline 'real life' personalities.]

[ SECRET POST #2365 ]

Friendship advice...?

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