fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2392 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2392 ⌋

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I'm pretty sure I'm asexual and it's really depressing me. :( There's no one IRL that I can talk to about this kind of stuff so I mentioned it to some online friends on a forum we all post on, and the first comment was something along the lines of "OMG that sucks! i feel so bad for u that u will never kno what its like to have a real relationship :( :(". The rest of the responses were at least more eloquent but the general sentiment was the same: sex is the only thing that differentiates a (romantic) relationship from a friendship and if there's no sex, it's not a 'real' relationship.

And now it's really bothering me. I know it would be difficult since there aren't many out there but I was starting to think maybe someday I could find another asexual to have a relationship with, but apparently even if I could it wouldn't count or be real, so now *I* feel bad for me that I'll 'never kno what its like to have a real relationship :( :(' and I hate it.

So now I don't know what to think. I've never thought sex was the one thing that made a relationship real but now I feel like I've just been fooling myself all this time and it's making me really sad. :( What do you guys think?

It's not. Honestly, if something is a relationship or not depends on the parties involved, not some society ordained 'THIS IS THE STANDARD TO MEASURE IF IT'S REAL OR NOT'.

those people say that because they're not asexual

they are wrong, though

there can be friendships with sex, romance without sex, and even feelings that go deeper than those two

sex isn't the be all end all of every serious relationship

it will be harder to find someone who is okay with not having sex, or perhaps not having it very often if you are okay with doing it every now and then, and it's true that for sexual people no sex can be a deal-breaker in a romantic relationship, but that isn't universal

what I'm trying to say with this ramble is that sex is "indispensable to a real relationship" only in the sense that some people will not want to be in a romantic relationship without sex, but not in the sense that romance isn't serious or real without sex

they're wrong

it's a relationship if you and the other person call it a relationship

honestly they sound really naive like they think sex is the ONLY thing you do in a relationship, but you wouldn't say, buy a house, share a bank account, sleep in the same bed every night, adopt pets, maybe have children, etc. with someone who was just a friend would you??

oh yeah and sometimes friends have sex

and complete strangers have sex

and the sex doesn't magically make them in a relationship

Edited 2013-07-21 23:51 (UTC)

This is a beautiful comment, and OP should copy & paste it back to their friends (with credit to you, of course).

You don't need to be in a relationship to have sex. You don't need to have sex to be in a relationship.

Ignore them.

Repeat after me: SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE.

I'm not asexual myself, but I see this message all the damn time, and it's starting to annoy me. (Like in films or books, the love interests will have sex once, and then "We're in love! Let's get married!" In real life, this is generally a bad idea.)

Love - caring unconditionally for the other person, and receiving that care in return - is what characterises a genuine relationship.

Sex is just something fun to do with the other person, but it is not a requirement. Because plenty of other people have sex, without it being a real relationship (one-night-stands, friends-with-benefits, prostitution, and a very dark example, rape is technically "sex", but love has nothing to do with it.)

Please don't be sad, OP. You can find a "real" relationship without sex.

You know what I think a "real" relationship is? It's caring deeply about somebody, wanting to spend time with them, and being able to rely on them. It's laughing together, crying together, and sometimes arguing with each other. It's being able to talk to them about anything, and sit comfortably in amicable silence.
Personally? It's being able to steal his food because I already know he doesn't like it. It's asking for "no onions" in my food because I want him to be able to try it (and I don't want to smell like onions). It's watching that silly show he likes with him, and him letting me snark at it because he thinks it's funny. It's being able to flail and make distressed noises and have him know that I need a tissue. It's him knowing the difference between my "I spilled something" distressed noise and my "I saw a bug" distressed noise. It's knowing that sometimes he just needs a good hug when he's anxious.

There is a lot that goes into making a relationship "real" - sex is a very small part. For a lot of people, it's a very important part, yes, but an asexual relationship is no less valid than a sexual one. You can be emotionally intimate with somebody without being physically intimate. So it boils down to: if it feels real, it is real. Don't let anybody make you believe otherwise.

Not really my place to say.

I think the Spouse is so close to ace it's a matter of semantic quibbling, one of my other romantic partnerships of long standing has finally figured out she's ace, and if anyone tells me either of those is not a "real relationship," I will kick them in the kneecaps.

Then again, there are a lot of people who claim none of my relationships are real, because none of them are monogamous. People such as these cannot be reasoned with and should be roundly ignored. (Or kicked in the kneecaps. Or both. Your choice, really.)

[ SECRET POST #2392 ]

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