fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2400 ]

[ SECRET POST #2400 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2400 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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02.

[The Silmarillion]

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03.

[Fire Emblem: Awakening]

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04.

[Almost Human]

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[Gundam Wing and True Blood]

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06.

[NCIS: LA]

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07.

[Final Fantasy VII Compilation]

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08.

[Tom Hiddleston/Loki]

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09.

[Scott & Bailey]

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[Pokemon, Mondo/Domino]

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11.

[Merlin]

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12.

[Chris Colfer]

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13.

[Danny Phantom]

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14.

[Twin Peaks]

Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 064 secrets from Secret Submission Post #343.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 1 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

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But I see a lot of people doing it on here, so...

I was on the phone to my brother the other night and we spent about an hour just commiserating about our kinda-shitty childhood. Our mother was quite emotionally unstable, for lack of better words. We think it's highly possible she has narcissistic personality disorder.

We had to walk on eggshells around her, because some inconsequential thing we said or did could set her off and she'd be yelling for hours. Everything had to be done her way, and if we disagreed with her in the slightest, she would guilt us and threaten us with leaving/disowning, etc. She seemed to consider us burdens sometimes -- for example, she resented having to take us home when we went out of an evening, wanting to stay and keep drinking and having fun. She would often get dad to do things for us and take us places instead of her. Eventually, she could no longer handle her "responsibilities" and left. This was when I was 15. I'm 19 now.

I was treated differently to my brother, though not any better. When arguing with my brother, she would just be straight-up angry and insulting. When arguing with me, however, she would resort to mocking my perspective on the issue and my beliefs. Also, she was very paranoid and overprotective of me - including the fact that she would tell me not to talk to my friends' dads, because they might be paedophiles! Mum was afraid that, if I were to be on my own somewhere, something would happen to me and she would take the blame for it. I never did simple things like catch a bus by myself until I was 16, after she left.

It's really hard to explain everything that went on throughout my childhood, because it was just so pervasive throughout my experiences. I've left out a lot, but I hope that gives you an idea. For some reason, me and my brother both have a hard time calling this abuse. I guess because we know that a lot of other kids have had it so much worse. She was never physically or sexually abusive, at least. Does this count as abuse?

I guess I also wanted to just vent about it somewhere where others may have had similar experiences, so...there's that, too.

It depends. I don't think it's our place to say. After all, people can be shitty people and shitty parents without crossing the line into being abusive- it depends on how you felt about it. Do you feel it was abuse?

Well, I don't think it's really done any lasting emotional damage. I have concerns about certain things as a result of my childhood. But I suppose the reason why I'm opening up for opinions here is because I'm genuinely not sure if what happened to me could be called abuse.

...I'm not helpful, am I?

I suppose it might be like growing up with an alcoholic parent. It's hard to say whether it counts as abuse, but it sure doesn't make them good at the role. You had an overbearing, controlling mother who sounds like a terrible parent, but if you're not going to try to press charges against her, maybe it's best not to worry too much whether it qualifies as "abuse" or not. Would being able to label it abuse affect anything?

It's true. I'm really just worrying about semantics here. The fact of the matter is, looking back on my childhood, I didn't have a great one, abusive or not. But it's (pretty much) over now, and I'm in a far better situation than I was. I guess I was feeling like I had no right to talk about my childhood knowing that others have had it so much worse.

Based on what you've typed here, most would not call this child abuse. For example, my parents complained about picking us up when it was inconvenient for them--it looks like she made sure your Dad picked you up rather than just leaving you somewhere. Many parents mock their teenagers perspectives, because their teenagers are teenagers and often say foolish things. This isn't to say that you were actually saying foolish things; that's just how teenagers seem.

It looks like the fact that she left you guys--which frankly trumps everything else--might be coloring your perceptions of pretty common things. That being said, only you, your brother, and your parents know what actually happened. You might want to talk to someone who's actually well versed in abuse--the internet is probably not the best place, particularly some fandom site. It's obvious that bad things were happening.

I'm worried you might think your past has to be as bad as capital a Abuse to be allowed to feel bad about it. It doesn't. You have the right to be upset. You have the right to your feelings. Crappy childhoods are common. You don't need a diagnosis to seek help.

Edited 2013-07-30 00:24 (UTC)

this

You're very right about that. It is very hard to try and explain everything that happened, and exactly the way my mother behaved, in a little text box on Dreamwidth. I have actually been to counselling about it. I'm considering seeing one again.

I suppose I could call it a "you had to be there"-type situation. In terms of the taking us places thing -- most of the time, she wasn't busy; she just didn't want to do it. And I understand that normal parents tease their kids, and she engaged in "normal teasing" as well, but she would be maliciously sarcastic when angry.

Haha, I guess I did come to the wrong place, but thank you! Your post was very good.

if we disagreed with her in the slightest, she would guilt us and threaten us with leaving/disowning, etc.

Does this count as abuse?

Absolutely. If what you describe had happened to me, I would call it abuse. It's up to you to decide if you feel that you have been abused or not, and I wouldn't try to force the label on you, but if you're asking our opinions? Mine is yes.

Yeah. I'm hesitant to apply the label to myself, but there's some reeeeeally fucked-up stuff that happened in my childhood that makes me wonder...

Like I said in a comment above, ultimately it probably doesn't matter. I guess I was just venting, haha!

I'm just going to go ahead and linkspam you:

http://community.livejournal.com/_survivors_/1025921.html I don't know there's any point in getting hung up on the abuse/not abuse thing, but please read this short post.

Some Adult Children of Narcissists stuff:

http://bandbacktogether.com/adult-children-of-Narcissistic-parents-resources/ Overview and some resources
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html Traits of narcissists
http://www.sonoma.edu/users/h/hessm/425-files/narcissistic_parent.pdf this veers into fluffy, gender-essentialist psychobabble but it's an interesting look at how kids grow up around narcissists
http://www.wmeades.com/id211.htm Parentification and how ACoNs wind up learning to respond to the world. From what you've said parentification might not be your specific problem, but the bit about responses might be useful nonetheless.

I am TOTALLY familiar with what you mean about childhood with a narc being too batshit to even explain. There are bizarre holes everywhere, plus tons of weird additions that really, really shouldn't be there. Two things I specifically recognised in your post are the fantastical paedophilia comments (nothing like knowing one of your parents is indulging in rape fantasies about you, is there?), the desire to indulge in alcoholic funtiems rather than parent their kids, and the belittling of any opinions raised by a child that threaten their lifestyle at all.

And then you wake up years later and realise you have no idea what normal life even is because all along you were driven to accept that all this shit was normal - that it was normal for a parent to so thoroughly put their (often very weird and shortsighted) whims above their children, because isn't everyone kinda selfish? You get surprised to learn that that's highly abnormal, and then it gets even harder to talk about the really weird parts. anyway idk hugs, and I hope some of the links are of use.

Wow, thanks for all the links! I've looked up some stuff about narcissists before, but I haven't seen these ones.

Yeah, as I said in a comment above, there's so much that happened that you really had to have been there to fully understand the implications of. I can't believe how different my life was four years ago. I now know that it's not normal to be afraid of your mother and for her to deny your personal growth and independence for her own peace of mind. I'm kind of playing catch-up now.

Thank you for your reply and your hugs! <3

We're pretty certain my dad had NPD.

Abuse isn't always physical. It's not always about neglect either. Emotional abuse is a very real thing, even if it's hard to explain to people who have never experienced it.

My dad could be very charming in public, but was often cold and dismissive at home. He often started arguments that I had no way of winning or lashed our at me for no reason, and if I became upset, he would mock me for it.

We were only ever allowed to socialise with people he approved of. He did his best to isolate us from the rest of the family. He was never affectionate or appreciative of anyone unless he had an audience. He controlled the family finances and took anything we earned from us, only to give us a good allowance so we felt we couldn't complain about it.

I rarely bring up anything to do with him in conversation because anyone who knew him would tell you he was a very generous and loving father, but they didn't grow up in our house. I still have trouble with lots of things because of the way I grew up. I don't trust people or make friends easily, I have a lot of anxiety over money, I feel like I'm not important enough to be heard, like I will fail at everything I try without his protection and influence.

It sucks. I'm sorry I can't tell you how to feel better about it.

I had a shitty childhood, too, OP (I think a lot of people do) Try not to let it become who you are. Think of it this way, you are stronger for it. Sort of like walking through fire and coming out okay at the end. Good luck!

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[ SECRET POST #2400 ]

I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

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Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.

Re: I feel weird talking about this cause I almost never talk about personal stuff on the internet.