fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2419 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2419 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Way early because taking dog to the vet. :c

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 075 secrets from Secret Submission Post #346.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 1 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've never met her in person and didn't actually know her real name until super recently.

I'm trying not to be hypocritical and knee-jerk react with "Noooo I know the kind of porn you write. No impressionable children for you!" but I don't think that's the only reason I'm uncomfortable with the request.

From our conversations she seems like a nice enough girl but that's just a teeny glimpse into how she chooses to present herself online. I've never seen her interact with kids or really have any idea what her personality is like in real life situations.

It also bothers me a little that I'm one of the few people she asked because before this I wouldn't have even said I thought she thought we were particularly close.

Even if I did write the letter I don't even know what I would say. "She's always accepted constructive criticism as an opportunity to grow. She has always displayed a very unique, creative way of consuming and interacting with media. She uses capitalization, punctuation, and grammar effectively. She's never asked me to wire her money or cyberstalked me."?

I just can't shake the feeling maybe I'm being unfair or this is one of those situations where I have the wrong read on who is actually being the socially awkward one.

I don't think you're being unfair at all. There are some things that a fandom friend would be an acceptable choice to right a reference letter, but I don't think this is one of those cases. As you said, you have no frame of reference for how she is with kids or really much about her at all outside of writing and fandom stuff. I really think it was odd of her even to ask.

Yeah, this. I don't think people should write references when they don't really know the person in question (or know the wrong side of them).

I'm not sure why she would ask someone who can't actually vouch for her children handling skills. (I mean, the only reasons that come to mind aren't very good and it feels wrong to judge a person I don't even know, so I'm not saying them. :V)

I would decline, were I you.

Let her ask someone who can actually tell whether or not she'd be good for it.

I don't think you're being unfair. This is the type of thing that's normally used for close people. I've asked a fandom friend for a reference, but she's one of my best friends, and I've looked for help from another friend, but we've worked together on a website. From what it sounds like you aren't particularly close, so it's understandable you're hesitant to recommend her for something like this.

I think it's an odd thing to ask someone you've only known through fandom for a reference like this.

I wouldn't write a reference for any of my fandom friends. It's nothing against them, it's that I don't know them, just what they tell me online and what I see about how they act on the internet. That's not enough for me to recommend someone for anything, but particularly for an instance involving children.

I think it was inappropriate of her to ask you, and it also makes me wonder about them as a person that they are turning to people they don't really know for their reference. Don't they have people in their life who know them better than fandom friends? Or is it that the people in their life who know them very well wouldn't recommend them? The whole thing makes me nervous, tbh.

If she's asking someone she's never met in person, there's probably a reason that she can't ask the people she has met in person. Seems suspicious to me.

I would just state that you don't feel comfortable writing a letter for someone that you have never actually met in real life.

Your not being unfair, that is not the kind of thing you ask someone to do that you do not "actually" know.

So just say you're not comfortable writing rec. letters for people you aren't very, very close to? That way it generally doesn't come across as if you're judging her specifically [and helps avoid drama that way], while still saying you're not okay with doing it.

That's weird. You can't really be their reference if you don't know them? Let alone online friendships. Fandom!friend's gonna need to suck it up and find someone IRL to be a reference, even if it means volunteering somewhere for a week or so

I had a fandom friend sign an immigration affidavit for me, but there were reasons for that and we had been meeting up IRL on/off for years. One of those reasons was that I'd moved a few times and there was hardly anyone I'd known IRL long enough for them to legally be able to serve as a reference.

But yeah, I wonder if this person feels closer to you than you do to her or something. If you don't want to do it, you can just say that you feel like it should come from someone she knows IRL /shrug

Thank you all for your replies! You all seem to be pretty much in agreement that my instinct is reasonable so I rest assured! I kind of have a reputation for overthinking things and being a bit aloof, something that has been in the forefront of my thoughts lately, so thank you for taking the time to answer something that might have sounded like it should have been rhetorical.

no prob, that's what 2nd opinions are for!

[ SECRET POST #2419 ]

Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.

Re: Fandom friend asked me to be their reference for Big Sister application.