fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2431 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2431 ⌋

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So, I hope this will make sense and not be some mad ramblings.

When I was rather young, I attempted suicide. Fortunately I wasn't very good at killing myself, so I survived the attempt.
I self-harmed for years after, and was not the most stable of individuals, but I eventually got my shit somewhat together.

I won't say I'm a perfectly functioning adult, but I'm no longer suicidal.

But the first think that is weird, is that I have somewhat mixed feeling about my suicide attempt. Like on one hand it was traumatic, but it also really clarified that I did NOT want to die, so I guess that's a good thing.

It's been almost 20 years now, and while It's not something I dwell on regularly, I do feel like...I dunno, it defines me? Maybe not just the attempt but the whole mess I was like a teenager. While I'm not that person anymore, I feel it shaped me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I feel like it's a shadow looming over me, like I'm one of those antiheroes that will always be defined by their past. And in a fucked-up way I guess I liked it, because I never felt more alive than when I was closest to death.

While I do not want to be that destructive person anymore, I miss that alive-ness. I guess I'm just sort of apathetic now.

I'm not even sure any of this makes sense, but thanks for listening.

those seem like pretty natural feelings and thoughts to have, I think

but from what you say at the end, about missing that alive feeling and being apathetic now, you might want to talk to someone

Okay so full disclosure: I'e gone through some really bad stuff in my life. I'e been hurt a lot, I'e seen others hurt a lot, I grew up without regular water, food, or electricity

I would say that it also shaped me, in that I lean toward jobs and callings in life that put me in risk and protect others. In a lot of ways, I would feel miserable if I weren't in a life that I didn't somehow feel like I was risking my health and life for something. So I pursue jobs in life that I feel would equate the experiences I had that shaped me.

I am not used to the idea of safeness. I feel like because I grew up in pain and toil, this has shaped me for the rest of my life. Home= danger, stress, and pain. I seek familiarity, where others see risk.

I also feel like other people wouldn't understand me; I feel like it's set me apart from what they see and understand. But sometimes I also feel estranged, lonely and unable to reach out, because what I am and what I hae done is so far apart from others' experience that it makes me something pitiful or monstrous.

I tried to kill myself because of severe bullying when I was a teenager. I saw the failed attempt as a sign by God that it wasn't my time.

Now, I use the time I would've lost to help other kids who are being bullied. I can tell the ones thinking of doing it that, "Hey, I've been there. Come here and let me hug you and let's talk, because I want you to stay alive."

[ SECRET POST #2431 ]

TW: Do you ever really "get over" suicide? And how do you deal with mixed feelings?

Re: TW: Do you ever really "get over" suicide? And how do you deal with mixed feelings?

sort of know what you mean

Re: TW: Do you ever really "get over" suicide? And how do you deal with mixed feelings?