fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2463

[ SECRET POST #2463

⌈ Secret Post #2463 ⌋

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Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

so I've been at college for around 6 weeks now and still have yet to make any real friendships. all I do with myself is go to class. anyway, there's this one guy in my english class who seems to have similar ideas as I do, and the other day I decided to finally suck it up, step out of my comfort zone, and try to talk to him. I pulled an all-nighter last night to be sure I would be up early enough to straighten my hair (just to give me confidence) and get a good breakfast, etc. when I got to class I was excited to see that there was a seat open next to him, but when I sat down, he looked really stressed and upset and was quickly reading our assignment. the whole class he looked kind of upset and wasn't speaking, so I figured it was the wrong time...but then at the end of class as I was leaving, I saw him stay behind a bit and heard him start talking to another kid like everything was fine!

I left the class wanting to cry. I feel so stupid for putting all that effort into trying to make friends with one kid and then wasting the opportunity (the class won't meet again until a week from now). I'm so angry and disappointed in myself and I know I probably won't ever build up the nerve to try again. at this point I really just want to give up and book a flight home. I hate it here so much.

sorry

maybe he was stressed because he has a crush on you.

that'd be quite the plot twist, but I'm pretty sure it was something else haha.

I didn't start making friends in college until I started getting involved in a couple of student groups. A lot of people made friends with dorm neighbors, although that never worked out for me.

Try again with the guy. Worst case scenario he gives you the cold shoulder and you're no worse off than before.

that's true. maybe I can try again sometime. and yeah the dorm neighbour thing isn't really an option here since I live in a dorm which is apparently notorious for being antisocial. the one silver lining is that I know where not to apply to live next year lol.

Here's the thing nobody tells you, though: basically everyone is miserable their first year of college. The popular narrative about college is all about fun and drinking and drugs and sex and wild times and unforgettable experiences and instant best friendships, but honestly... most people, in my experience (as in, me and all the people I know) start getting their lives back together around the middle of their second year. Up until then most people are a mess, even if they disguise it really well. Because, y'know, it's hard. This is a part of your life that is inherently difficult. Which I don't say to dismiss your feelings, because jut because it's normal that you're miserable right now doesn't make it any less, well, miserable. But, while recognizing that you're not happy right now, you just have to keep in mind that it won't be this way forever, and in a few years time you're going to look back on the person you are now and want to hug that person and tell them that everything is going to be okay.

Also... don't pull all-nighters. I know it seems like it's just something college students have to do-- it's not, and there's no better way than lack of sleep to make sure you constantly feel and perform at your worst.

that honestly makes me feel so much better. a big part of the reason I've been so down is that it looks like everyone else (all my hometown friends, freshmen here, etc) is having a great time. thank you (: and yeah, I won't be pulling any more all-nighters lol. I was up doing homework til a certain hour at which point I was afraid I would sleep through my first class or else I probably wouldn't have done it.

Hang in there. It sounds like he was probably just freaking out because he didn't do his homework last night. Really, really try not to take it personally. It's okay to try hard, even if sometimes it doesn't work. Maybe tomorrow try talking to a different person and get your feet back under you. Also, are there any on-campus clubs you can join? Those are a good way to get some interaction going.

thank you. maybe I'll try approaching someone new tomorrow.

did you try talking to him? his reaction seems kind of odd if it was geared towards you, so i'm gonna wager it was something else. i'd recommend trying to start a conversation next time if you haven't already; that's the easiest way to tell if someone is interested in talking to you/hanging out/etc. even if it's mostly just in his body language, engaging him directly will ensure that most of his reactions are going to be at you rather than just random or whatever.

idk what kind of college you go to, but most places have clubs and organisations and events and stuff. my first couple of years at ball state were weird; my first year i had a roommate for about a month but then she left, and while i liked having the room to myself, i didn't know anybody at the university and wasn't in any clubs or anything, so w/o a roommate i was more or less solitary. my second year i joined an excellence in leadership program but that was pretty much it. it wasn't until last year that i really started going out, exploring my campus and meeting other people. i joined student government and was in a lot of committees and stuff. i was in the second phase of the leadership program which required me to join a small group and organise/complete a service project together. i discovered the university's electronic gaming league and all the perks that came with it. i'm a pretty quiet person so it took awhile but eventually people would ask me what game i was playing, or would talk to me about SGA-related stuff, etc.

so i mean you might not know anybody right now but sometimes it takes people awhile to establish themselves, or get themselves out there. it's understandable that you feel discouraged but it's also way too early to be giving up, imo.

Edited 2013-10-01 01:21 (UTC)

I realize now that I phrased that poorly; it's not when I sat down that he started to look upset, it's just that I didn't notice he looked upset until I sat down. which is why I didn't try talking to him.

there are clubs and stuff, but 99% of the ones I wanted to join cost $25-50 in membership fees alone, which I can't afford. the one free one that I went to a meeting for turned out to be completely different than what I thought--plus, it was all older kids who had been in the club for a while, and they made a big deal about club bar crawls, which I can't participate in because all the bars are 19+.

it's true that things will probably get better though. I should be trying harder somehow. things are just adding up that make it seem worse than it probably is.

ohhh i get it. yeah that can be hit and miss in my experience, i always err on the side of caution re: talking to strangers who look upset.

sucks that most of the clubs have membership fees though, but there might be ways to get around those. it wouldn't hurt to ask at the very least.

that's true, I can try that. thanks for the advice.

First year is lonely for a lot of people, specially if you're not even from the same country. It happened to me, too, and I didn't start hanging out with people until the very end of the first year. I lucked out because one of my classes was a workshop so there was a lot of interaction between a small-ish group of people, and eventually someone suggested going out for drinks.

But definitely try to join a group or volunteer somewhere; that may speed up the process. But for the time being, focus on your studies and on making yourself comfortable with your surroundings. Try exploring the city/town and finding cute coffee shops and other places so you have something to talk about with locals; stuff like that. And don't pull all-nighters, like someone else said. If you plan your time well you'll feel more in control and more secure

hopefully I'll have some kind of class like that in the future, or at least one where we get to discuss ideas with each other. and I am learning to enjoy finding new places and learning the bus system and whatnot on my own.

First year is a mixed bag, I lucked out in most of my first year classes mainly because I was at a smaller college and I'm... kind of social. If later on you join clubs, or even hang out at department events and other social stuff, that really helps. Helped me when I moved onto an actual university, anyway.

As for this guy, try again! If that doesn't work out, find other people to talk to. But don't give up, it's still early and college can be fun, I swear.

Do your dorm RAs not throw events and whatnot? My first year dorm did a lot of those so we got to meet everyone and make friends. But I guess I was lucky in that the people in my dorm were very social and a lot of them kept their doors open during the day and just hang out in each other's rooms and whatnot.

Even with that, making close friends in first year is still hard, especially when everyone is still busy figuring out how to function in college. Like people below have suggested, extra-curriculars are the best way to meet people on a regular basis. Those were the main ways that my friends who commuted and didn't live on campus formed their social circles.

I totally get you on feeling a bit shy in class because sometimes you're never sure whether the person is willing to talk or if they want you to leave them alone. Buut you never know until you try! I hope things get better for you.

late to the game, but I wanted to say that one way I made friends was by joining a student volunteer organization. Does your school have anything like that? it should be free and you'd be helping the community at the same time.

Echoing that it sounds like his reaction wasn't to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not stupid for "wasting an opportunity" talking to him. You were already out of your comfort zone, had pulled an all nighter, and I'm willing to bet you had an idea of how it would happen that was nothing like what actually happened when you saw him. Seeing him stressed would have thrown most people in your situation, I think. It would have thrown me, anyways. And there's no reason you can't talk to him next week or the time after that or the time after that. If you never build up the nerve, that's OK.

I hope you don't stay angry with yourself and you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself, either. It isn't easy to put oneself out there like that. And that first year of college is absolute hell. Just when you think you've got a routine or are getting comfortable, something changes and you're ready to start packing your bags again. It's scary and stressful and nothing like I ever see it depicted in media. But you're not alone in feeling that way: most of the people around you feel the same way.

I think student groups and activities are a great way to meet others, as some have said. I met most of my friends in college from just running into the same people so often that we were comfortable with each other long before we ever spoke. Oddly enough, most of the time it was while eating that we ran into each other so our get togethers these days usually revolve around food.

Whatever happens and whatever you try, I hope it all goes well for you. And don't be too hard on yourself :)

Settling in and feeling like the people you know are friends takes a while - I figure something like 6-9 months, at least. I was really lucky in my first year of college, and fell in with a bunch of people who shared my interests early on (I went out to register for classes with all my paperwork in a plastic bag from a local comic store and got approached by two people from the year above me who then introduced me to all of the nerds), but it still took months for knowing people to turn into having friends.

Given that timeframe? A week really isn't long (hell, you might not meet your best college friends until two or three years in), and it's not like you lost out on anything (except sleep) or did anything wrong. No harm done, world didn't end, have another go?

Do you like music, and does you college have a radio station? I started doing college radio my freshmen year, and that is when I finally started making friends. College radio stations are generally filled with a mix of shy and eccentric people. But anybody with a similar taste in music to you is going to be thrilled to talk to you. Running a show is also a huge confidence builder. And everybody is really impressed when you tell them you're a DJ.

If you can muster up the courage, and I know it's hard, then join a club, take a self-defense course, or find a support group. If you're not in a small major, this is the best way to meet people.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SECRET POST #2463

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