[ SECRET POST #2471 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2471 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

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Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 02 pages, 034 secrets from Secret Submission Post #353.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

[fscom]

03. http://i.imgur.com/tENFh2N.jpg

[blitzwing]

Maybe that decently active rl social life is your problem... for a lot of people, their online life is the more significant one...they're probably putting more time and work into it than you are. It can be hard to be noticeable or have interesting discussions if you're a more casual fan and everyone else is all otaku-level on it. (Not that I'm calling you a casual fan, but I've definitely been in those fandoms where everyone else seemed to know a zillion times more about the source material than me...and everything I had to say had been said an equal amount of times before.)

Also...of course its kind of about the cliques? Almost everyone has their little in-group, inside a fandom. You have to find or make your clique and get in it.

[lunabee34]

I agree with you and would also add that if OP has a decently active RL social life that he or she is probably not spending the *time* online that many of these other people are. Although this secret is not about being a BNF, I think BNF-dom is in large part proportional to the amount of time a person has to spend online--which means they can more quickly get that episode tag posted or start a discussion right after the fannish event happens or comment on all the posts on their friends list as soon as they go up. I think that's true for making and keeping fannish friends to a certain extent as well. If that makes sense.

[(Anonymous)]

Here's the thing I've found with fandom cliques - while they can be a pain in the ass, unless the people actively don't want to add anyone to the clique/aren't friendly, you can usually work your way in if you both stick around long enough and keep trying.

It doesn't always work, and - of course - depends on how your actions lead the group to think of you but...it can be done.

That said, I generally have more fun with people who aren't in a super tight clique so. -shrugs-

[(Anonymous)]

A lot of people on the Internet, especially fandoms, don't actually have decent social lives irl. Fandom is the only social life they have, and society online is way different from irl a lot of the time. When I was a teenage recluse, I was always really active online and had loads of friends, but now I'm older and I find that I enjoy real life society far more, and now I have less time online so my online friends have either drifted away, or we just don't talk that much anymore.

I mean, I know that's a lot of presumptions in one paragraph, but that's certainly the way I've experienced it.

[(Anonymous)]

I have a lot more friends online now that I have an active social life than I did when I was in middle school. Though I made a huge chunk of friends online when I went away to college and had a really horrible experience at the school.

Now, I have a huge chunk of offline friends, but don't have a huge lot of online friends. They're all people I've met at conventions, though, so I don't see the non-locals 95% of the year.

[(Anonymous)]

lol, it's weird. All the other comments are like 'yeah, you're not putting as much time in because you have a good social life' and my most active period in fandom coincided with my most active social life period a couple of years ago....I guess I was just more friendly back then or something.

Now I don't have a social life on or offline! I don't even know... :( At least you have a good RL social life. I know I'd rather have a good social life in real life than in fandom. But, tbh, I'd take either at the moment. Don't try to get sad about it, you're clearly a likeable person if you have plenty of friends in real life. Fandom can just be hard to crack into sometimes, it's nothing to do with you :)

[(Anonymous)]

my most active period in fandom coincided with my most active social life period

That happened to me, too. It might have been a coincidence, that the time when I had a highly active offline social life (namely, in college) just happened to coincide with my interest in fandoms that I felt especially inclined to get very involved in. Or maybe the two social lives fed each other, giving me the emotional support to take more risks and reach out to more people.

[elaminator]

Making and keeping friends is difficult. Idk what your situation is but everyone's different, and there's lots of things that can factor into it, and as disappointing as it might be, I say don't rule it out. It could happen someday when you least expect it.

At least you have a nice social life IRL (I hate the phrase IRL; the Internet is not an alternate universe)? That's something to be grateful for, anyway.

[ninthlife]

Is it a ship-heavy fandom? Maybe you're not talking about the ships enough.

Maybe you could try focusing on one or two people in the fandom that you like and talk more to them.

[ex_mek82]

I feel ya', OP. :(

[forgottenjester]

I don't know how to help, OP, but if you're just up for chatting I'm really talkative.


Hmmm... maybe you haven't tried to integrate yourself into the right groups of people? I dunno man. Sorry I'm not much help.

[sootyowl]

I'll talk to you about gummy bears if you want <3

[thene]

You may be being taking things more seriously than they deserve. A few people who post a lot and do a lot of public back-and-forth with each other might look like a clique, but in reality all they have going on is a heavy activity level. Fandom is very much an 80-20 rule space - in fact, I remember reading Dreamwidth business stuff that said the conversion rates are something like 9% of total site readers contributing (ie. sometimes leaving a comment or making a post), 2% contributing heavily. So, maybe it looks like those 2% are a 'clique', but really they're just talking in public a lot. They probably DO have strong social relationships that are driving them to contribute so much, but there's nothing they have that you don't have other than free time (and maybe enough luck with reaching out that they never hit your point of hating what happens when you reach out).

[augustbird]

i like this interpretation :)

[tabaqui]

When i see secrets like this, I want to say 'link me to a few places you've commented, OP, so i can see what you're doing!'

I dunno - not like i'm some guru of LJ or social interactions or anything, but i kinda feel like a neutral set of eyes would help, sometimes.

Good luck finding your group, OP.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was active in fandom and RPG, if you were interested and weren't an ass or a jerk, you were in like flynn. There wasn't any need to put in an effort to be social. We had a blast, too. So much fun and I had so many friends.

It does seem to be different these days. All of my older friends have told me this, and, yeah, I'm beginning to see it.

[(Anonymous)]

Don't waste your life. Internet and fandoms (especially cliquey ones) can be really messed up. If you want to fit in badly, you could end up doing things you'll be really ashamed of later (like mocking and bullying people).

Just...let it go for now. Step back. Breathe. Be you. Maybe you'll be happier in the long run if you stay away from the cliques.

This is my just advice, but at least think about it!

[(Anonymous)]

The same can be said of offline things, tho. The "if you want to fit in badly" thing.

[(Anonymous)]

Agreed. After some really bad fandom/online experiences, it's best to embrace your IRL friends and social circle.

[diet_poison]

Anon, I honestly wouldn't put that much stock into an online social life, especially if you have a good one irl. Interactions online are really different and can be harder to navigate, nastier, more juvenile, etc. because it's harder to get to know people and people are more removed from the consequences of what they say. I come here to chat and have fun, but I've made very few close friends over the internet, because it's hard to make and maintain the kind of connection I'm looking for online, and while I spend a lot of time online it's not all spent being social and it's not the only thing that I do.

Also, I hope you can get/are getting help for your depression. That shit sucks, but it can and does get better. :) *hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

i definitely agree with online friends being hard to maintain. especially if you become more invested in the friendship than they are.

i thought i had an awesome online "clique". we talked almost every day for two years, became very close, discussed our lives and our problems, exchanged phone numbers (this was back in the day before msn and social media), etc.

then one day one of them left for university, then another left because they got promoted and had no more time for online fandom, then the rest slowly just disappeared without explanation. it disturbed me to think that they could just up and leave, while i was left alone and wondering why nobody else was as invested in "our group" as i was. sometimes i miss them. but it also made me realize that i much prefer IRL friendships, if only because i find it much easier to keep in touch with someone i can actually see in the flesh.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, if online fandom is making your depression worse, maybe it's time to give it a break for a while? When I was first diagnosed with depression, I'd spend hours upon hours online to the point where I started neglecting my real life. I'd get invested in arguments or online drama, and would find myself feeling worse and worse because of it. Getting away from the internet was hard. But in the long run, I'm glad I did it. There's more to life than being popular in fandom. Fandoms eventually fade, and you don't want to be left feeling even more alone when everybody leaves the fandom.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm going to give the same advice I give Nice Guys (TM): people can smell desperation. It makes them uncomfortable. What you may not realize you're doing is that you're being desperate for friends, and they can tell, and it's not a comfortable thing when it feels like someone's more interested in having you as another number in their friendcount than you as a person.