fandomsecrets | [ SECRET POST #2474 ]

⌈ Secret Post #2474 ⌋

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[Once Upon a Time]

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07. [SPOILERS for NCIS]

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08. [SPOILERS for Breaking Bad]

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09. [SPOILERS for Dangan Ronpa]

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10. [SPOILERS for Breaking Bad]

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I just wanted to write this somewhere. I find it difficult to talk to anyone about this stuff, especially my friends, who I love and appreciate that they're trying but they can be really...obtuse about all this.

So...a few weeks ago my youngest brother, who is barely out of high school, was feeling really bad and we had him rushed to the ER. Turns out he had a huge tumor in his colon. He went into surgery and they got the tumor out but I found out today that he has stage three cancer (but the doctor wants to do a CAT scan to be sure that it is stage three). I don't really know all that much about cancer but I do know that it's really rare for someone as young as he is to have colon cancer. His doctor said it's most likely genetic. He's putting on a really brave face, but when I asked him if he was scared he said he was. My heart just breaks for him because I love him so freaking much. With the way our culture is, I basically raised him since the day he was born, which was when I was nine. The way I care for him is relatively different from the way I feel about my other siblings. It's hard to put into words, and I just feel weird verbalizing it or trying to explain it. I'm not at all saying that I don't love my other siblings, because I do, and I love them all very much, but I always feel like it's my personal responsibility above all else to look after my brother. So it's really hard to cope with this, because I just blame myself for the way things have turned out, and I think of my mom and she's been so amazingly strong through all this that I just can only imagine a tiny fraction of how much all this is really hurting her. I was bawling the day before my brother's surgery and my mom was the one who calmed me down, which is probably the first time she's done that aside from when I was in grade school. I know it does no good to look back and blame myself, so I'm trying not to, but it's really hard not to keep doing this.
On top of that, throughout the whole thing my parents have been more or less at odds. My dad's always been distant, so I wasn't completely surprised when he wasn't there all that much when my brother was in the hospital (both physically and emotionally), but it didn't stop me from being pissed at him. But yeah, my mom would tell me that once when she asked my dad why he didn't visit my brother at the hospital that much, my dad got up and left in a huff. He slept in the basement that night. I mean...I guess they're doing fine now, but I do think my dad's feeling guilty but doesn't want to or know how to apologize or try to fix that. Like...I'm sure my brother does feel sad that my dad's been really distant and not as invested in the whole ordeal, but, again, it's not surprising. My dad's always been distant, especially to my youngest brother. When I was about sixteen I began to worry that my dad had these feelings of contempt towards my brother, but I never really verbalized it to anyone in my family because I don't know why my dad would feel that way and you know, I'd probably be called crazy or something by my older sister and my mom and it probably would have stirred crazy ass drama. But yeah...I don't know. I just really hope my parents are doing OK, especially my mom, who's so amazing. I didn't realize how amazing my mom is until a few years ago (because teen angst makes us all assholes who think our parents are the devil; I was a pretty stupid and rude ass teen), and the ways she's been handling everything for the past month or so has just made me respect my mom even more.
And for the last bit of family drama, my youngest sister just entered middle school and her teachers and councilors think she may have autism. In elementary school, the teachers and councilors there thought the same, but they tested her and they determined that she wasn't autistic. However, I've always felt that maybe she is autistic. She didn't start speaking until she was probably four or five, and for a very long time she only said short words and phrases. She gets easily agitated, and she has some really bad temper tantrums. One of my aunts from my mom's side of the family has a couple kids who are autistic. I mean, I know I'm no expert, but I've always felt like my sister at least has a learning disability where it's difficult for her to process what is being taught to her. Because my parents are immigrants from small farming towns in South East Asia, they don't want to think that my sister is "special needs" because to them that means she's a hopeless case and society will shun her forever, and considering a cousin of mine did the translating when my sister was being tested the first time around, I felt like my cousin fabricated things to "smooth it all out", because, you know, it'd be the worst thing ever if everyone found out that my sister needs extra help in school. I've talked about this to my friends before, and they're also second generation Asian kids like me, so I thought I'd get some support from them, but they tended to tell me that there is nothing wrong with my sister, as if it's supposed to comfort me or something. I actually got kind of pissed off at one of them last night when I was telling him that my sister is going to be tested again, and he "assured" me that my sister is "normal". I kindly told him off; what good is it to deny that perhaps my sister needs some help processing things? If there is a chance that she is autistic, what good is it to her that it goes untreated? Wouldn't it benefit her more if we can find some ways to communicate with her better instead of just shrugging off her "oddities" as "nothing to worry about"? That hasn't worked out all that well thus far, and I just am feeling so frustrated. It's not comforting when people are telling me that my sister is "normal" and that I shouldn't worry. First, what the fuck is "normal"? And second, by saying that it's not calming me down in the slightest. Obviously, I'm worried because I know that there's something not right. I want to know what we can do to help her reach her true potential, and feeding me comforting lies is pissing me off. It also angers me that people still have this stigma that if you have a mental disorder that society will look down upon you so avoid it if you can, as if it's easy for someone with a mental disorder to snap out of it.

So yeah. I'm just hoping for the best. My youngest brother is going to get chemotherapy in the coming weeks, and it'll go on for about eight months. I heard that chemo is really painful so I'm terrified that I'm going bawl my eyes out a lot in the coming months. I just really, really want him to get better. I want him to beat cancer and live a full, happy, healthy life. For fuck's sake, this kid hasn't even really had the chance to live life at all yet, and now he needs to put it all on hold because cancer's a fucking asshole. I mean, if I could, I would give my life to him. And I hope things work out at school for my youngest sister. I just want to know if there's anything we can do to help her, because I don't want her to live her whole life with everyone coddling her because they thinks she is incapable of being a full functioning human being. I want people to treat her like a real human being and I want her to kick ass because she's a pretty amazing and funny kid that people just can't seem to see.

That's awful all the way around, anon. I hope things get better for you and your family.

(You could ask your youngest sister how she feels about a possible autism diagnosis. If she's in middle school, she's old enough to have an opinion.)

I'm so sorry, anon. I hope your brother does really well on chemo and that his cancer goes into full remission.

I hope things go well for your sister too.

Good luck. <3

[ SECRET POST #2474 ]

Buried in my family drama

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