[ SECRET POST #2610 ]

[case]

⌈ Secret Post #2610 ⌋

Warning: Some secrets are NOT worksafe and may contain SPOILERS.

01.


__________________________________________________



02.
[Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies]


__________________________________________________



03.
[Twin Peaks]


__________________________________________________



04.
[DC Comics, Strix and Batgirl]


__________________________________________________



05.
[my mad fat diary]


__________________________________________________



06.
[Sekai Seifuku]


__________________________________________________



07.
[Lindsey Stirling]


__________________________________________________



08.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation]


__________________________________________________



09.
[Attack on Titan]


__________________________________________________



10.
[How to Train Your Dragon]


__________________________________________________



11.
[Figure Skating]


__________________________________________________



12.
[A Wild Endeavour]


__________________________________________________



13.
[American Horror Story]


__________________________________________________



14.
[The Americans]

















Notes:

Secrets Left to Post: 03 pages, 061 secrets from Secret Submission Post #372.
Secrets Not Posted: [ 0 - broken links ], [ 0 - not!secrets ], [ 0 - not!fandom ], [ 0 - too big ], [ 0 - repeat ].
Current Secret Submissions Post: here.
Suggestions, comments, and concerns should go here.

Comments

*could be triggering/talking about suicide/inside the mind of someone with BPD*

[(Anonymous)]

Same anon in the convo. Don't know who the other anons are. I went to Four Winds (http://www.fourwindshospital.com/) and spent about 2 years total there, over four hospitalizations. Peppered between those visits, were hospitalizations in a secured ward in a hospital closer to home.

If I had to choose, I'd choose the secured ward in a hospital any day over four winds. I remember one girl going through intake in 4W, and her parents were trying to say it would be just like summer camp. It's always stuck with me. There were walls around the perimeter and sometimes you'd get runners. Because we weren't always supervised* and in an attempt to "reward" positive behavior, many girls turned nasty as soon as adult eyes turned. Forget group therapy, too. One girl was lactating still, recently miscarried, and asked to leave (I assume she was embarrassed, because our group therapy was mixed with boys) and our "leader", I don't recall her credentials, told her to sit where she was and it was only a medicine side effect. So. Yeah. I also remember being told by the doctor that if I was sad, I should let someone know and I could be given a sedative and sleep until I was happy.

On the other hand, the safest I ever felt was in the secured ward. It didn't offer any illusions to where I was and if I had any questions or concern over treatment, I wasn't "bribed" or given a sugarcoated answer. One of the attendings got into trouble though because he favored the girls way more than he should have, but the staff and doctors were always respectful to me.

I say inpatient hospitalization didn't work for me because, thinking of the difference between how I am now and how I was then, I could have used more guidance in coping and channeling my symptoms over more medication**. Except for my guardians, no one knows I'm borderline. Friends' general impression of me is that I'm nice with a bitchy side. I have such issues with relationships and I could go on.

*Seriously. Don't know who thought this was a good idea. But 20 girls being managed by 1 attending, or 2 of the most "progressed" girls being left completely on their own has to be the worst idea ever. At least in the secured ward, we usually had 3 attendings for about 12-15 teens.

**I drooled. All the time. And tingled. And lost feeling in my face a lot. Today, I can't write with a pencil or pen very well because my hand shakes after a minute or two. I finally handled myself better when I quit cold turkey (didn't tell anyone) and told myself I needed to work through my issues (after a failed suicide attempt*** via overdose). I do not recommend that, whatsoever. It helped me, but I'm also very, very "I'm right, you're all wrong and I'm going to prove it" in the head and I've seen people stop taking their medication cold turkey and lose it. I hadn't had thoughts of suicide before hospitalization and medication, which is why I suspect medication contributed to the problem at the time.

***In those years, I tried so many times. I'm also incredibly manipulative, and I remember after being wheeled out of ICU, telling the doctor on call, who probably would've admitted me to the secure ward, when he met with me one-on-one, "You're not going to be able to admit me. So you might as well call my guardians in." It was a week until Christmas, and I knew it'd be more important to my guardians to have everyone there for the whole family than have to explain why I wasn't there. I wasn't admitted.

Last note, before I write the story of my life. I'm happy. If someone is in so much pain and is hurting, I think they should be able to seek out help and not be told to hide away. I know a lot of advice on how to be happy says to live in the moment, but I think, from my experience, if you're hurting that much that life isn't worth it, living in the moment just makes things hurt more. OP should look at what their future could hold, and talking to a professional to know about options might be a step that's good for them. While I say inpatient didn't work for me, it's because I don't think it helped me get better or fixed me and all the medication I was on probably made things worse in the end, but it kept me alive during the time I was there.

TLDR - summer camp you couldn't escape is pretty accurate to describe where I was. Things sucked. OP should try to imagine a future where they're happy and look at all things in the present that can help get them there.

Re: *could be triggering/talking about suicide/inside the mind of someone with BPD*

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know if you'll come back to see this or not, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that and I'm glad that you're at a place where you're happy now. The fact that you are offers a lot of hope.